ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Therian Nation
Video Link: https://youtu.be/ull7T4zp0Es

Tumblr: http://theriannation.tumblr.com/

Written Script

Hello and Welcome to Therian Nation. I’m your host, Shannon Jackson. In this video we’ll explain the etymology of the word Therianthropy and see how it has been used throughout history. Greek is one of the world’s oldest recorded and living languages, meaning that it is still in use today. I’ve come across a few different origins for the word Therianthropy.

One source lists “thero” as a Greek root for “breast” or “mammal.” 
And “anthro” as the Greek root for “human." 

Another source list "ther” as a Greek root for “wild animal”
And “anthrop” as the Greek root for “human.”

“Therion” is a Greek word for “wild animal” or “beast.”
Yet another source uses the Greek word “Therios” for “wild beast." 

Google Translate recognizes both Therion and Therios.
And anthrōpos [ἄνθρωπος] is a Greek word for "man”.

The word Therianthropy is a portmanteau or combining of two Greek words, which then loosely translates as human-animal or animal man. The constellation that we now call Lupus, was first called Therion by the Greeks.

The historical use of the word Therianthropy was to describe men and creatures in mythology and folklore who could change shape such as werewolves, were-cats, and other were-creatures. The term has often been used by archaeologists to describe animal-human figures found in prehistoric rock art such as the “Dancing Sorcerer”. Theriocephaly refers to beings which simultaneously share human and animal traits, such as Egyptian Gods.

The word “therian” also has a clear meaning within science and biology. The first attempt to formally classify organisms began in the 18th century, around 1789. Therian, in taxonomy, means a member of the mammalian subclass, Theria, consisting of marsupial and placental mammals or live-bearing mammals and their extinct ancestors. 

When was the first historic use of the word Therianthropy? One source, a book titled “The Human Predator,” written in 2005 by Katherine Ramsland, raises the possibility that the term Therianthropy may have been used as early as the 16th century in criminal trials of suspected werewolves.

One of the first known written and published appearances of the word therianthropy can be seen in a book titled “The Religious Systems of China” written by J.J.M De Groot in 1901. The usage of therianthropy can be found on page 171 of Volume IV, Book II, titled “On the Soul and Ancestral Worship, Part I.”

“The tale of Cheu Chen’s slave shows a new feature in Chinese tiger-lore, which, like so many others, we find also in therianthropy elsewhere in Asia and in Europe, namely, that the change into a beast may be brought about artificially and willfully by means of charms, spells, and other instruments of witchcraft.”

Volume V also includes a few interesting tales of shape-shifting, human-like creatures with blue skin and tusks, “beings resembling men, squatting down sometimes like dogs,” walking trees, women giving birth to monsters and devils, which are also referred to in the book as specters. 

On page 793, a baby is called a yaksha, a broad class of nature-spirits, and described as having “cock-spurs and horse-hoofs.” Page 823 begins a section that includes sorcery and tales of sorcerers changing themselves into animals.

Therianthropy was used to describe spiritual beliefs in human transformation in a 1915 Japanese publication titled, “A History of the Japanese People from the Earliest Times to the End of the Meiji Era.” On page 65 in a section titled “Therianthropic Elements” the first sentence is “That the religion of ancient Japan - known as Shinto, or "the way of the gods” - had not fully emerged from therianthropic polytheism is proved by the fact that, though the deities were generally represented in human shape, they were frequently conceived as spiritual beings, embodying themselves in all kinds of things, especially animals, reptiles, or insects.“

While therianthropy may have been used in the past to describe shape-shifters, old words are often taken and used to represent new concepts. The modern day use of the term, beginning in the early 1990’s, does not imply magic or physical shape-shifting. Modern Therianthropy is a subculture of people known as Therianthropes, or Therians for short, who are intrinsically connected to an animal. The connection can be spiritual, psychological, or both, and this strong connection leads people to identify as non-human animals. However, it is not a mental illness, as Therians understand that they have the physical body of a human. 

In conclusion, the word therianthropy has historical, archeological, scientific, and new modern usages. Upcoming Therian Nation videos will examine the personal belief of Therianthropy more in depth and cover the history of the Therianthropy community.

Links to sources can be found in the video description below. Thank you for watching (reading). 

Therian Nation Mission Statement: https://youtu.be/WtqILBWrn9E

Therian Nation Full Disclaimer: https://youtu.be/_IrZw2XgVmQ

Etymology Sources

https://msu.edu/~mcelhinn/zoology/mammalwords.htm
http://www.biology.ualberta.ca/courses.hp/zool250/Roots/RootsMain.htm
http://wordinfo.info/unit/2678/ip:4/il:T
http://www.oakton.edu/user/3/gherrera/Greek%20and%20Latin%20Roots%20in%20English/greek_and_latin_roots.pdf

Lupus (constellation): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lupus_(constellation)

Wikipedia - Therian in Taxonomy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Therian
Wikipedia - Theria Subclass - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theria

Books, History, etc.

Source of  "The Religious Systems of China” written by J.J.M De Groot:
Volume IV: https://archive.org/details/religioussystem04groo
Volume V: https://archive.org/details/religioussystem05groo

Source of “A History of the Japanese People” written by Captain Frank Brinkley:
https://archive.org/details/historyofjapanes00briniala

Therian Timeline - Words and Concepts - http://www.theriantimeline.com/therianthropy/words_and_concepts

“An Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis of Identity in the Therian Community” by Grivell et al.
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15283488.2014.891999

Therianthropy Research Group: http://therianthropyresearchgroup.weebly.com/research.html

Other

World Wide Words - Therianthrope - http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-the2.htm 

Memidex - http://www.memidex.com/therian

Wiki Fur: http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Therianthropy

Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Therianthropy

Therianthropy wiki: http://therian.wikia.com/wiki/Therianthropy

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 Hello. Welcome to Therian Nation. This blog will feature educational material, discussions, interviews, and news about Therianthropy and the Therian community. Therian Nation’s mission is to educate the public and the community while dispelling false and misleading information. Topics will be presented in a professional and respectful manner and examined with critical thinking. Therian Nation aims to be factual, helpful, and inclusive to all who are serious about identifying as a Therian or anyone interested in learning about Therianthropy. Therian Nation also aims to be inclusive by using multiple sources and viewpoints. Knowledge, experiences, and data will be gathered from across the community, including group chats and communication with members from as many forums as possible. This show will aim to be non-biased. We want to have an open and positive discourse. Therian Nation encourages constructive dialogue from the public Tumblr audience as well. Subscribe to Therian Nation to learn and stay informed about Therianthropy and the Therian community. Please read the disclaimer. Thank you.

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ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 I've come to feel as if my therianthropy is both spiritual and psychological. This is my story, recently written. Feel free to ask questions and leave comments.

I was once a normal, happy, ignorant human child. Youth is shed painfully. Certainly in my case. My first hard lesson came at the age of nine. I tried to show care, concern, and love for a puppy. My mother scolded me and told me not to cry. She said that if I ever cried like that again, she would take that dog away from me. Those words crushed my soul. They killed any true happiness or love in me.

Why get attached to another being if showing any emotional connection to it will result in someone ripping it away from me? I would never have the ability to properly form attachments, make friends, or truly know love. Sure, I have a mate, but to this very day I sometimes question my feelings. I question their authenticity. Are they real? Are they true? I try not to question too much or think of it too often. But mimicry is a major tool for survival. Do I mimic the actions of one in a loving relationship? I don't have the answer.

Even if I can express emotions better after several years of healing, I'm still afraid that my attachments might not be healthy ones. But again, thinking too much only makes it worse.

I suffered depression for months after being told to bottle up my emotions. I suffer to this day. Next my humanity was slowly, agonizingly chipped away. The hell created by my parents went on for seven or eight long years. It continued long after they divorced. Every day of those years was filled with my parents fighting and arguing. I was surrounded by verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. During those years, I think my father asked me once if I was okay. Every night I thought of ending my life. My parents taught me, for the second time, that love did not exist. It was fake. Only anger, hate, distrust, and disappointment are true emotions.

I was broken. I did not allow myself to give in to any emotions. Except when they escaped in rare uncontrollable outbursts. Those outbursts drew too much attention and landed me in more trouble. So, I pushed emotions down deeper into darker corners of my mind. I had no relationships in high school. I trusted no one. I was as anxious and wary as a caged animal as I sat in classrooms. I was a tormented beast that wanted out of my own mind and body.

After one outburst, I was sent to the high school's councilor. I spoke with her three or four times. Then, my mother found out. My mother said that I had no right to talk to other people about her and my father's private problems and private lives. I also took it as being reprimanded again for having emotions and for seeking help with them because they were becoming darker and more destructive. I stopped visiting the councilor. To feel only brought me scorn.

How does a teenager survive all of this? How did I think of suicide every night and day for years and not attempt the the act? How did I wake up and walk through another day filled with depression, self-loathing, anger, and hate? I also had no relationships simply to protect anyone I thought I cared about. I kept them at a distance to protect them from the damning darkness that seethed inside of me. I was worthless. I knew I was incapable of caring or truly loving another person. Why even try? Love was a joke. My parents taught me well. Love did not exist.

Why didn't I give up, with nothing good to live for? Humans are animals. They have basic survival instincts. They just don't admit to being so base. I had nothing else. Without emotion and higher feelings, I became a beast.

That puppy which my mother had told me not to cry over had been a wolf-dog. By forcing us apart my mother brought us together in a way that she could never have imagined. By separating us, my mother actually made that wolf-dog my only reason to exist. Somewhere deep down inside my sick mind, I latched onto the idea that the wolf-dog was my pack and only true family. Even after his mysterious death at only two years of age, I felt as if he was the only one who had ever cared for me. He had been my brother and mentor. That wolf-dog taught me everything I know. A wolf-dog saved this wretched human and with his help, through hell's fire, this soul and mind have been forged into those of a wolf. A beast of survival.

Every day I thought about suicide was a day of perseverance. The wolf in me knew that the famine wouldn't last forever. Every day was just about blending in, acting as normal as possible so no one got suspicious and asked questions. I tried to hide the chaos inside. It was chaotic suppressing emotions while becoming less human and more wolf with each passing day. Again, I protected those around me from this chaos by keeping them at a distance, even pushing them coldly away. But I was surviving. My human brain struggled against the beast growing and taking over. Buy my spirit was beginning to shine through the darkness.

Here, I will throw in another facet of this experience and transformation. In the beginning, I had called myself a Christian. I feared God. I feared being damned and going to hell. It's what led me to hate myself. I was born a sinner. I thought I had read somewhere that children of divorced parents were damned and sent to hell. So, my life was hopeless. My soul was irredeemable. Why was I trying? Why not kill myself since I was damned anyway?

But wolf doesn't think that way. Wolf survives. Wolf does not need to be saved by anyone. I came to realize that there was no Jesus or God. No one was going to save me. Only I could help and save myself. If anyone is responsible for helping to save me, it was, of course, a wolf-dog. Discarding the concept that I was predestined to spend an eternity in hell for my parents' decisions started a reaction that has slowly dissolved a lot of pain. That also led to the wolf being a more free, confident, and powerful being.

The wolf within me was actually the light in the darkness. I saw my physical human form as ugly. I was not desirable. I was weak and sickly. Stress and depression ravage the body and can cause long-term health problems. Through the years, I went to several doctors. Each doctor gave a different diagnosis. Mononucleosis. Irritable bowel syndrome. I could be doubled over from the pain of ovarian cysts. I was anemic and had no energy. A weak wolf does not survive, but the wolf in me was strong and beautiful. I never turned to smoking, alcohol, or drugs during those challenging years of my life. The wolf within forced me to make healthier choices. I began to eat better food and exercise. I got stronger to survive. To this day, not being active enough and eating poorly causes IBS and cyst flare ups. But I manage them.

I still struggle with emotions. But wolves are emotional beings. Wolves are pack animals. They form bonds with others. I am still wary of other humans and don't really trust anyone. Other than my mate, I still don't have any friends. I still just go through my days trying to blend in and look normal. Being a wolf is what makes me a decent human being. Believe it or not, canines and other creatures have systems of morality and fairness. If not for becoming a wolf, the hateful person that I had been would have started to hurt herself and others on purpose.

Believe it or not, my mind is not so sick anymore. I said I still suffer from depression, but I attribute that to being human. I've never taken any medication for depression. I see it like the waves of the ocean. They come and go. Depression rises up and falls down on a regular basis. I'm learning to manage depression along with my other health problems. Being mindful is the key. I am much better off as a wolf that I ever was as only a human. I hated myself enough over the years. I don't hate myself now. I am content with being this beast. This wolf is content with being a survivor instead of a suicide.

Addition:
My parents actually have a good friendship after being divorced for a few years, and I have a fairly good relationship with them.

Wolf Daughter
December 12, 2015

Bear Dream

Oct. 7th, 2010 12:07 am
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
My mate and I were walking along a two-lane road through the woods. Soon, we reached the edge of a small town. We approached a couple of kids, and they pointed out a mother black bear and her three young cubs. The mother and one of the cubs was in a yard eating berries from a bush near a house. The two other cubs were on the other side of the road, afraid to walk across the hard pavement.

I slowly made my way across the street, around some trees and shrubs, and got behind the two cubs. I waved my arms in the air and made loud noises. The cubs became more afraid of me and joined their mother and sibling. I was content and found myself back and my mate's side. We watched the bears quietly, but the mother was becoming nervous as more people gathered around.

She began to lead her cubs away from the house when a crowd of people arrived. This part of the dream was less clear, but these people must have harassed and frightened her. They didn't want her near the town. I think she had started for the woods on the other side of a field. She was leaving, but the people continued to follow her, yelling and screaming. They went too far. She must have turned around and charged at them because she felt the need to protect herself and her cubs. I know that no human was harmed. Her charge was brief before she turned and ran for the woods again, following her cubs. But a man had a gun. He shot her in the back of the head.

I was horrified at what was happening. So many people were yelling and screaming. The man that shot her saddled his horse. He tied a rope around her neck, and disrespectfully dragged her body back to the yard. Other people patted him on the back, congratulating him, and thanking him. I was disgusted. How could they brag about what they had done?

This innocent bear was dead. Her cubs were alone and would probably starve. I was beginning to cry as I stared at the limb body, which had been filled with life and love. She had only been feeding her family and trying to protect them. I stared at the bloody hole in her head. I saw the shattered skull. I was crying as I walked over to her. I kneeled down next to the body. I hugged her and ran my fingers through her fur. I closed her eyes. Many of the people around me were confused at my actions, but I felt like my own mother had been killed. I didn't care what they thought.

Thankfully, not all of the people there were celebrating the bear's death. Natives had arrived. They were moved by my tears. They brought offerings, moved the bear to a proper location, and began to build a pyre around her. Drummers and dancers appeared. They began to dance and sing. The man responsible for the bear's death and many other people wandered away, thinking the ceremony was silly. I watched as the body burned into the night, my mate holding me close and offering me comfort.

Near the end of the dream a strange man walked over to me. He looked mostly white, but I understand that the Natives respected him for his knowledge, beliefs, and way of living, which was similar to their own. He looked me in the eye. His voice was sincere. “There aren't many people like you left in the world who feel connected to the animals. And the time you've spent with wolves truly makes your spirit unique. Don't forget that.” He slowly walked away. I had never seen this man before. How did he know about the wolves?

The Natives continued to dance and sing to the drums. The fire continued to burn, setting the bear's spirit free from the physical body. My dream faded into blackness, then gray, and I slowly woke up. The dream was vivid and left me with a strange feeling. It was very powerful and emotional. I suppose its lesson and meaning will reveal themselves to me on a future date.
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Second Chance

They want me to stay.
Their words held me back years ago,
Their words try to convince me now,
But the memories of this place are
      Filled with Pain
      Filled with Fear
      Filled with Regret
I vowed not to endure again.
Everything threatens to trap me here.
And I don't deserve a second chance.

But my spirit beckoned me
      To a distant place
      Where I found a missing part of myself.

He wants me to live.
His words set me free each day,
His words call to me gently,
And new memories are forming
      Filled with Happiness
      Filled with Promises
      Filled with Love
We vowed to protect forever.
Everything leads to freedom there.
And I have been given a second chance
      To fix my mistakes
      And not take Love for granted.

Wolf Daughter
January 22, 2010
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I dreamed of Crow last night and wanted to share some information about Crow as a totem and spirit guide.

Crow Medicine
 
There is a medicine story that tells of Crow’s fascination with her own shadow. She kept looking at it, scratching it, pecking it, until her shadow woke up and became alive. Then Crow’s shadow ate her. Crow is Dead Crow now.
 
Dead Crow is the Left-Handed Guardian. If you look deeply into Crow’s eyes, you will have found the gateway to the super-natural. Crow knows the unknowable mysteries of creation and is the keeper of all sacred law.
 
Since Crow is the keeper of sacred law, Crow can bend the laws of the physical universe and “shape shift.” This ability is rare an unique. Few adepts exist in today’s world, and fewer still have mastered Crow’s art of shape shifting. This art includes doubling, or being in two places at one time consciously; taking on another physical form, and becoming the “fly on the wall” to observe what is happening far away. Crow medicine people are masters of illusion.
 
All sacred texts are under protection of Crow. Creator’s Book of Laws or Book of Seals is bound in Crow feathers. Crow feathers tell of spirit made flesh. Crow is also the protector of the “ogallah” or ancient records.
 
The law which states that “all things are born of women” is signified by Crow.
 
Children are taught to behave according to the rules of a particular culture. Most orthodox religious systems create a mandate concerning acceptable behavior within the context of worldly affairs. Do this and you will go to heaven. Do thus and you will go to hell. Different formulas for salvation are demanded by each “true faith.”
 
However, human law is not the same as Sacred Law. More so than any other medicine, Crow sees that the physical world and even the spiritual world, as humanity interprets them, are an illusion.
 
There are an infinitude of creatures. Great Spirit is within all. If an individual obeys Crow’s perfect laws as given by the Creator, then at death he or she dies a Good Medicine Death and goes on to the next incarnation with a clear memory of his or her past.
 
Crow is an omen of change. Crow lives in the void and has no sense of time. The Ancient Chiefs tell us that Crow sees simultaneously the three fates—past, present, and future. Crow merges light and darkness, seeing both inner and outer reality.
 
Crow medicine signifies a firsthand knowledge of a higher order of right and wrong than that indicated by the laws created in human culture. With Crow medicine, a person can speak in a powerful voice when addressing issues that are out of harmony, out of balance, or unjust.
 
Allow personal integrity to be your guide, and the sense of being alone will vanish. Personal will can emerge so that you can stand in truth. The path of Crow people is to be mindful of opinions and actions. Be willing to walk your talk, speak your truth, know your life’s mission, and balance past, present, and future in the now. Shape shift that old reality and become your future self. Allow the bending of physical laws to aid in creating the shape shifted world of peace.
 
Information taken from the book, "The Discovery of Power through the Ways of Animals" by Jamie Sams and David Carson.

Walk softly and thanks for reading.

Wolf Daughter
September 17, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
A wealthy royal family lives in seclusion from the impoverished world below their ornate palace. The prison is nothing but a barren fenced in field, with no shade or shelter from the elements, where wrongfully accused peasants slowly die. Beyond the barren field an untouched forest holds promises of freedom and a new life.
“Shut up,” I grumble under my breath at the two clumsy men trying to cut the magically electrified fence. “I don’t know how you managed to get back here without being noticed.”
“We’re not getting out of here,” another woman beside me said with her arms crossed and a bored look on her face.
A third man appeared. “You should be able to cut it now. Hurry up.”
They begin to cut the fence with large sheers, but don’t get very far before patrolling guards come around the corner and shout. The men run for their lives towards the forest. I run too, heading for the end of the prison. With the charge still disabled, I scramble over the fence, along with the other woman who had been beside me. Other prisoners, those with the strength to run, have also rushed the fence.
I catch up with the three men, and the five of us continue running for the forest. A steep hill blocks our path, but we are determined to escape and start to climb. Half way up, an alarm sounds from the prison. Screams come from the stragglers seconds later as a deadly spell, resembling a wall of water, crashes down on them. We don’t stop and climb the spruce covered hill high enough to avoid the first magical attack, but we know another will soon follow. We reach the top and quickly scramble down, sliding on dry needles that cover the ground and stumbling over dead branches.
I’m startled by a noise behind me like a horrendous wind blowing through the trees. I turn around to see what’s going to kill me. To my surprise, a native woman with long black hair dressed in deer skins stands in front of me. She glows with a white light that holds back another magical attack. She takes a few steps forward and stretches out her arms. That’s when I notice the limp body of a juvenile white wolf. I wonder if it is wounded or asleep.
The woman speaks in a soft, wise voice. She tells me to take the wolf and that it will protect me. I reach out to accept the wolf. The light around her grows brighter, more intense, and it envelops me as I shut my eyes. When the light suddenly disappears, I open my eyes again only too see the sky through the tree limbs. My friends call out to me from the bottom of the hill. Their voices bring me out of my stunned state, and I dash down after them.
We ran through the woods for a few minutes and broke through to the shore of a lake. A large tall ship constructed of a golden-colored wood and golden sails was anchored near the shore. No other people seemed to be around. The ship was unguarded. We went aboard to search for food and supplies. Two of the guys went below. The other, along with me and the other woman stayed on deck. (Sadly, I don’t remember any names from my dream.) The other woman suddenly began to yell from the helm. “It’s moving on its own! I can’t control it!”
The ship had detached itself from the moorings and moved out into deeper water. The other two men rushed back to deck. “I can’t control it!” the woman yelled again, unable to move the wheel. There was nothing we could do to stop the ship, and we were in for an even greater surprise. The golden ship lifted up from the water and took to the air. We were flying over the trees and hills. We didn’t know where the ship was taking us or why, but we had no choice.
 
 
 
 My friends and I had imagined escaping to an endless wilderness, but we quickly realized how wrong we had been. After a few hours of flying, the forest turned into a barren dead landscape. Only patches of brambles and thorns grew, and those looked more brown than green.
The trees were either burned to black charcoal or cut so that only stumps remained. The water changed from clear blue to black, as if the rivers and lakes held tar and oil instead of water. The sky turned from blue to grey. The world was no longer one we were familiar with. We’d had no idea this existed, and we all wondered what had happened. What could have caused the destruction of so much land?
 
 
 
 Our answer revealed itself sooner than we’d hoped. The ship rose over a hill and we were suddenly able to see the form of a massive black city that took up the entire side of a mountain. Below, thousands of people were gathered in front of what was noticeably a ruler of some kind. More noticeable were the number of guards and soldiers in armor and masks with blood red capes shifting in the chilly yet choking breezing.
Gasps and screams could be heard from the huge gathering as the ship passed over them. But the guards kept a strict order. To our dismay, the ship landed near this horrible place, and guards quickly approached us. There was no point in hiding, fighting, or running. We let ourselves be captured without a struggle. As we were pushed through the crowd, we got a glimpse of how ruthless and uncaring this place was.
A woman cried as guards separated her from her husband. She screamed. “Please don’t take him away! Don’t make him do those things.” The man did not fight back. He hung his head and faded into the crowd, being taken from his family for some unexplained reason to be a slave.
We were not chained or shackled, but blood red robes were placed on us. The hoods covered our faces. A wide path was open before the ruler. We were positioned in the middle in a V-shape with me strangely in the center, at the apex. The guards shoved us down, forcing us to kneel.
I was the closest to the throne. I lifted my head slightly to see past the dark hood which obscured my vision. What appeared to be a young woman in a light grey dress sat on a black throne. I had never seen her before, yet something inside me said I knew her. I felt immense anger and hatred, as if she had taken everything from me and had destroyed all I had loved. I felt as if I wanted revenge on this woman. I felt as if I wanted to kill her.
She spoke in a commanding tone. “One of you is hiding your true self. You can either reveal yourself or my servants will do so. They can sense the difference in consciousness.”
Other woman moved from beside the throne and approached us. I felt as if I should know what she was talking about. I sensed that my friends were confused and didn’t know what she meant. That left me.
Suddenly a servant was behind me. A hand grasped my shoulder. I was jolted as the woman’s mind entered mine with a shock of pain. And memories flooded me. I remembered. I knew my true self.
I stood up, unafraid. I lifted my head and boldly pushed back the hood, looking the witch in the eye. “I’m the wolf therian. I’m the one you want.”
The witch smiled a sinister smile. “You are the one I’ve been hunting.” She stood and took a couple steps towards me. I tensed. Adrenaline filled my veins, and I reacted on instinct. Without much thought, I charged at her, throwing off the robe as I ran. As I did, I partially transformed into a wolf. My hands became paws. My face elongated into a muzzle. My teeth grew longer and sharper. It felt as if I were stronger, and fur covered most of my body.
The witch screamed and lifted her hand to cast a spell. I dodged to the side, placed my feet firmly under me, regained my balance, and leaped. An invisible force slammed me to the ground, knocking the air from my lungs. I was disoriented. I felt a weight on my chest as the witch placed a foot on me and prepared to strike with a dagger.
I rolled, throwing her off balance and to the ground. I didn’t waste the opportunity and pinned her down. I snarled, showing my fangs. I wanted to sink them into her thin pale neck. Rage boiled inside of me. Every muscle was drawn tight.
“Kill me,” she hissed, staring at me with cold silver eyes.
But I hesitated. Would anything really change if I killed her now?
“You can’t kill me,” she laughed. “You’re too weak.”
A soldier stepped up beside us and a blow to the back of my head made me go limp. I wasn’t completely unconscious, but I was paralyzed. I saw my friends in the distance, huddled together in fear and surrounded by guards. I briefly wondered what would happen to them because I had failed. I wanted to tell them I was sorry for not being strong enough. My eyes slowly closed and everything went black as soldiers dragged me away.

~~~

A light breeze made ripples on the water of a lake. The reflection of a half moon shimmered. My friends and I were relaxing on a veranda. It was quiet and peaceful. But I began to feel as if things were out of place. How did I get here?
The moon in the sky shimmered too. A ring of colors appeared and swirled around it. I felt pulled in as if my insides were also being twisted.
“Are you okay?” the guy closest to me asked. “You look sick.”
I was sick. Lights flashed before my eyes like fireworks. Sparks bounced across the water of the lake. Finally, I could take the disorientation no longer. I went to the rail and threw up. Thick green liquid was ejected from inside me, and my head started to clear. The illusion before my eyes broke and faded away. Memories returned again, in such a rush that I gagged and threw up more of the green liquid.
With my head clear, and a spell broken, I began to tell my friends the truth. They soon felt sick and purged their bodies of the mind controlling substance. Once they were returning to themselves, old feelings rose to the surface within me. I had an unfinished task to complete. I felt the need for revenge.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Saturday night I dreamed of a horse. He was a very light brown, almost white, or what would be considered a "flea-bitten" coloration. He was very strong and spirited. In the beginning of the dream, even as he grazed in the field, a mischievous, playful sparkle was in his eyes. When need be, this horse was calm and well-mannered. It seemed as if he was always aware of  my presence and location. He seemed careful and caution of his strength because he didn't want to harm me when I was near him.

As the dream progressed, something happened and this amazing creature became sick. My efforts to give him good hay and food failed. I gripped his head and halter, desperately trying to make him swallow medicine. But nothing worked.

My family stands in the field on a sunny day, but I stand at a distance from them, alone and sad. The horse is gone. The field is empty. Then a man appears. I have never seen him before, and I don't know his name. If I recall correctly, his hair is dark brown. His jacket and clothing are more like that of a soldier, maybe from the 18th century, but it was definitely not modern. The man was calm and had gentle, caring eyes. He approached me and might have rested a hand on my arm or shoulder. Although he did not speak, he seemed to be communicating feelings to me, and he understood how I felt. However, I refused to be comforted at that time.

When the man moved away, he rested in the grass a short distance away. He motioned silently with a hand, asking me to come over to him. I was still standing, head held low with the burden of sadness and guilt at the horse's death. But I was growing tired. I finally lifted my head a little and glanced at the stranger in the grass, who was watching me with warm, un-judging eyes.

I slowly moved towards him. As I did, my pain and regret began to lift. With each step I felt better. My muscles, which had been tense and stiff, began to relax. I went down to my knees, felt the soft grass beneath my hands, and I rested my head on the man's chest. He put an arm around me, and I felt as if everything was okay. I felt as if all were forgiven. I closed my eyes. I felt comfortable and safe, and I fell asleep. My dream ended peacefully.

The horse in my dream was named Thunder. For many years he was a real friend to me. On December 17, 2008, I watched him die. It was a long and painful battle with colic. I can't imagine the pain Thunder felt. I admit, I still carry some sadness and guilt. I regret that I did not care for him more properly or give him more of my time and attention. But maybe there is no real reason to feel that way. Perhaps the man in my dream was Thunder in a human form, giving me comfort. I would like to believe this. The man did seem to have a strong connection to the grass and the earth. He was unafraid to be on the ground, and seemed very familiar with it and the grass. Also, the entire dream took place outside in the field that Thunder knew well.

It crosses my mind that the man could also be the wolf spirit that often appears in my dreams. He could have also taken human form to give me comfort after Thunder's death. But I don't think the man had the same type of energy that the wolf usually does. It felt different. I feel as if it's more likely that the man was the horse's spirit.

I also wonder why he was dressed in older clothing. It brings to mind a legend I might have heard a long time ago. I think it was about brave soldiers being reborn as horses in the next life. Perhaps the spirit learned and experienced what he needed to as a horse. After becoming aware of that, maybe the spirit returned in my dream to let me know that I shouldn't be sad any more. I can put some of my negative feelings and memories to rest. I hope that's true. I do feel as if I have another spirit and friend watching over me, and I am thankful for the pleasant ending of the dream.

Wolf Daughter
March 29, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I find myself on a journey.

In an unfamiliar place on every level of existence.

Thrust here by events outside of my control.

Emotionally wavering between nothing and everything, mentally juggling emptiness, voids in thought and those times when thoughts fire so rapidly I can’t hold onto them all. Some ideas slip away never to be found again. Others remain and imbed themselves, never to leave. Physically cycling from restless energy to exhaustion. Moments when I feel like anything is possible to moments when each breath is surely my last. But I place one foot before the other. I do take another breath. I continue my journey.

A journey that every wolf takes, and if their trials can teach me anything, it is that all of my experiences are real. Every emotion, thought, and doubt is necessary.

I may not know where I am going or what my goal is, but I will discover it along the way…as I wander, at times seemingly without direction or purpose, sometimes looking over my shoulder at the past as I stray back into old habits, I find truth.

Without realizing it, certain ideas and beliefs attach themselves to my being, become part of me. As the journey goes on, these beliefs will manifest in my actions. I will act without thinking, guided by principles which have lodged themselves deep within my heart and soul.

And once I do realize what I am, what I truly believe, and my goal or purpose is clearly before me, I will be able to fight and die if necessary for what I hold dear, without any fear or regret.

So I am reminded that I am in the developmental stage of my journey. The end or conclusion, if there is one, lies far over a distant horizon that is not even within my sight…and won’t be for a long time.

One foot goes in front of the other…and sometimes I’m even running.

Events may happen along the way that threaten to break my spirit. Continuing may seem impossible, when some beliefs are shattered, faith crushed, and loyalty betrayed, but those things can be found again…but only if I keep going. There is no such thing as giving up. May that idea be permanent.

Even if I deny some truths for a while, the ones I need will repeat until I begin to accept new possibilities.

And what if I misinterpret the signs? How long could I waste time going in circles before I run out of time to learn the truth? What if I’m wrong and believe the lies instead of the truth? What if I become blind? How far can I stray and still be able to redeem myself? Is there a point at which a soul can no longer be reclaimed or saved from a darker path? .

But I said there was no giving up. There is no point at which forgiveness can not be obtained…from others and from within myself. Sometimes we must stray to learn lessons and find the truth.

So even through darkness and uncertainty, when I feel torn apart, I must not stop…even when I question every action and word, when everything is out of my control, and I feel like everything is wrong…I must not give up.

That is actually the point at which I could run the farthest, shine the brightest, and be the strongest and fiercest to show the world what I am and prove that I don’t lay down and die on command when things get hard.

And if I did find out that I was following only lies…what would I do? If everything was taken from me…what would I do?

Would my journey start over? Could I really keep moving forward? Or should I look back, shift through the past to find where I veered off course? Maybe the hardest trial is facing myself…breaking down all the barriers…making myself vulnerable in order to reach out… find hope…the tiniest grain of truth to lead me to a new beginning.

Wolf Daughter
February 20, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Last night my spirit beckoned me to run as if something awaited me or should be witnessed in the darkness. Although I did not go, a similar feeling suddenly returns tonight.

Physically, I sit still.
Inside, I feel my spirit move. A wind teases my fur.
I'm rushing forward. My spirit is a streak of light moving at light speed.
The stars and galaxies blur around me, creating a tunnel of color and light.
All is light and energy!
I don't know my destination, but that doesn't really worry me.
I'm no longer lost or searching for something in the dark.
I might finally have a destination.
 
But what has caused these feelings and inner shifts or journeys? I feel that the physical world and the people around me, including recent events, have catalyzed my spiritual state.

It's the small things. They have the greatest impact. A glance, a second of eye-contact, body position and body language can actually be the strongest communicators, transmitting the greatest amount of information.

It's my spirit now having the ability to react with the spirits of others. Or rather, a stronger ability to recognize and understand how my spirit reacts to those around me. I might also understand why my spirit reacts the way it does to stimuli and why that makes me feel the way I do.
 
I feel held, lifted up by an energy that is warm and encouraging.
I stand taller, more confident, more aware of my surroundings.
My spirit soars through space now.
Within minutes, I have traveled an incomprehensible distance.
Farther than ever before. So far I can't possibly go back.
And I'm okay with that truth.

.....There is only forward.....being guided by something that calls to me, tugs on me.....

I can't know what the outcome will be, but I can't be afraid to find out.

Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could slow my momentum. I can't stop the events that have been set in motion.....but that doesn't really worry me either....

Wolf Daughter
October 18, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Lakota Words of Wisdom

"It is important to walk in balance and live in harmony although people today have lost that balance."

"Everything has its own song. When you have spiritual knowledge, you will learn to hear those songs. For instance, the rocks and colors sing; the fire has a song; so do the earth, the water, the green leaves and grass. There are songs in all life forms -- four-legged, two legged, and even creeping-crawler creatures."

All things have a voice. All things speak to us, but we rarely choose to listen. It's hard to hear the Earth and animals as they whisper to us these days. Humans create a lot of noise in this modern world, including vehicle motors, tires against the pavement, trains, cell phones, music, electronics, TV's, computer, and more. The hardest noise to quiet is our own voices, whether talking out loud or holding conversation with ourselves, in our own minds. All of these things distract us, separate us from the quieter sounds of the Earth.

The Earth is always sending signals and messages to us. If we could learn to be silent and open our minds, the messages of the creatures and spirits around us could be heard. The trees and plants sigh and creak in the wind. The grass rustles and flowers sing softly. Birds chirp and sing. The Earth is always speaking. She's alive, reaching out to those who will listen.

The world is filled with mystery and secrets that can be discovered. I believe there is still magic here. Spirits surround me, and they all have stories and lessons to share. Being closer to the Earth and all the beings around me is not an easy thing to achieve in this fast-paced hectic life, but it is a life goal that I am setting for myself. I want to find balance and harmony with everything around me.

Wolf Daughter
October 12, 2008

The Cave

Aug. 19th, 2008 11:10 pm
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
My dream from last night still has me wondering about all the symbolism and meaning that was possibly included. It is a dream that I will think about often in the days, weeks, and possibly months to come.

I don't remember all of the dream. The first half is unclear or forgotten. I know I was in a Native American village. An elder or shaman was guiding me through the village. He pointed out objects, herbs, and other things which were important as we walked. I might have met several people, but I only remember the warrior. After we had met, he began to follow the shaman and me.

The day was sunny with a few clouds, and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the nearby oak trees. The seasons were changing, like they are now, and fall was approaching.

The shaman led me and the warrior to a river. A canoe waited there for us. The warrior stepped in first and took up a paddle. It was his duty to ensure my safe journey. I also got into the canoe, but the shaman was not going with us. He pointed at a cave nearby that went deep into the opposite bank. 

The shaman said, "To understand the meaning of life and to know your true self, you must first die and be reborn. You must go there and face your fears."

The warrior began to paddle across the river towards the cave. As we entered and the light faded, the dream came to an end.

I don't think the shaman was refering to an actual death. Entering the cave is more likely symbolic, like a vision quest. It is a time of reflection. I agree with the shaman that I have fears which I need to face. They are holding me back and keeping me from having as fulfilled a life as possible. Some little fears are faced each and every day. But I know of some larger fears that will come later in the future. They all have a proper time at which I will need to confront them.

Wolf Daughter 
August 19, 2008

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
This dream began at college, in class, with some people that I know. Later, we were at the beach, and that's when it got a little strange. I walked away from the others and was exploring the beach. Many people were there swimming and playing, doing ordinary activities. I changed into a wolf, and no one seemed to notice as I walked along, heading up a large dune.

As I approached the top, the sand didn't feel the same under my feet. I lowered my nose to the ground and smelled a terrible odor. Flocks of seagulls and other birds clearly stayed there often. The sand was covered with their feces. It made me uneasy and hesitant, but I moved forward. At the top of the dune, I saw a bird on its nest. I wanted to chase it, but I stopped myself. Something wasn't right. The bird should have been more alert, and it should have flown away. I was able to get a little closer and saw that the bird was malformed and sick. I kept my distance and moved on.

A few other interesting events occurred on the beach, but I don't want this description to be too long. So I will skip to the part where the dream environment changed. I was now running along a paved road through some woods. I startled a deer and once again wanted to take chase. But something told me not to as it leaped deeper into the trees, away from the road. I think the deer might have also seemed a little sick, like the bird.

As I continued to run, the trees became smaller. They appeared to be young, but I think it was because the soil was bad, not allowing them to grow properly. A large truck, loaded with recently cut trees, entered the road ahead of me. The sounds it made frightened me. The fumes from the truck, of diesel and grease, filled my nose. I coughed and felt choked. I was saddened by the sight, but kept running. Even though the truck disappeared, the smells lingered in the air. Something also wasn't right about the trees and plants. They all looked unhealthy. I began to feel scared and unsure of where I was.

That's when a large black wolf appeared from the woods. He took the lead in front of me, and I had confidence in him. I recognized this wolf as my spirit guide, who has appeared in many of my dreams before. I stayed close to him, pushing myself to run faster when I fell behind. I didn't want to loose my guide. I needed to show him that I could keep up with his pace.

The road became rough and deteriorated. There was no longer forest to either side. It has been replaced by thick growth of brambles and weeds, as if the land had been clear-cut. As I followed my guide, we started to meet sad, dejected wolves along the way. Each was curled up tightly on the ground, as if they had lost their will to live and were simply waiting to die.

Each time we came to one, my guide would touch his muzzle to the other and lick the wolf, encouraging it to get up. My guide was trying to restore their spirits, and he was asking them to join us. Soon, a pack had formed behind me as we ran and followed the black wolf.

But the landscape grew increasingly dark. It wasn't ordinary clouds that kept the sun from shining. It was smog and filth that filled the air. The ground turned to slick mud. All the plants were wilted and on the verge of death, struggling to live in the putrid environment. At this point, my guide slowed his pace. He carefully stepped on leaves, remaining patches of grass, and anything that helped keep his feet from sinking deep into the mud. "Watch your step," he warned us. "The ground here is poison."

We continued forward slowly. I don't know our destination. I don't know why we were in such a place. Perhaps it was our duty to find the source of the pollutants and try healing the land.

I've also thought that the landscape might reflect something inside of myself that needs to be cleansed and healed. But there is hope in my dream. In previous dreams when my guide had appeared, I had been unable to follow him to where he was going. This time I was able to run and keep up with him. But I also shouldn't ignore the warning he gave me. I need to be cautious and watch my step.

Wolf Daughter
July 19, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The shrill sound of a hawk's call woke me up today. For many hours its cry periodically filled the air. Each time, my heart beat a little faster as if with anticipation of the Unknown. The hawk's voice was moving and powerful, but I went outside and also watched the bird of prey circle above the trees. It moved so easily and gracefully in the wind. Its freedom inspired my spirit, and I felt elation at the sight of the effortless glide. As I stood there, I noticed the hawk's wing movements changing.

A special display was about to be performed. The hawk folded its wings close to its body, remained suspended for a blink of the eye, and began to free fall. As the dive began, my heart raced with the hawk in a flood of joy and adrenaline. I almost couldn't believe I was witness to this beautiful act of nature as the hawk transformed into a plummeting white speck as its feathers reflected the afternoon sun.

I wondered what it would be like. Did the hawk understand that the dive could be the difference between life and death as it aimed for a potential meal? The precise, instinctual movements of the hawk were amazing to watch. I have glimpsed this sacred event and feel blessed. This day has been a blessing, and I am thankful.

As a totem the hawk symbolizes power, magic, and it serves as a messenger between this world and the spirit realm. It holds the key to a higher level of consciousness. The hawk awakens vision and inspires a creative life purpose. It reflects a greater intensity of energy within life: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual forces.

The shrillness of Hawk's call pierces the state of unawareness and asks us to seek the truth.

Hawk tells us to remember that all gifts are equal in the eyes of the Great Spirit.

Wolf Daughter
July 16, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Dream from June 22, 2008

I was standing in a sandy arena. Other soldiers were lined up on either side of me. A king sat at one end, towards my left. A ceremony was taking place in his honor. The setting seemed to be Medieval from the looks of clothing and armor. I was among the knights and warriors there to protect and serve the king. 


The festivities continued as planned. The king ordered us to march in the arena. Men dressed in bright colors were probably clowns and performers. As the king became drunk, he ordered them to join our ranks and march too. He and the audience laughed and enjoyed themselves.

Until the situation changed. Spectators began to scream and scatter. Enemy soldiers rushed into the arena. They were clearly after the king, but we were alert and prepared. Swords were out in seconds and fighting erupted.

I was right in the middle of it, unafraid. Swords clashed and rang as soldiers grunted and yelled. The arena was also becoming dark. Late afternoon was upon us. Night was approaching, and there was a lot of dust in the air. I fought well. A couple enemies were quickly cut down. More took their place. I parried, spun, and killed another. I grappled with one soldier, threw him to the ground, and finished him.

As I stood and looked for my next opponent, a sword stabbed my chest. With one hand, I held the blade, preventing my attacker from pulling it away. With my sword in the other hand, I fought on fiercely. Soon, after two or three cuts, my foe was down. But I was bleeding, weakened, and stumbling.

I think it was also at this point that I started to feel the wolf within calling to me. My hand was still gripping the sword protruding from my chest. I gritted my teeth, pulled, and the blade slowly emerged, slick with blood. The pain buckled my knees. I fell back. The swords, released from my limp hands, landed beside me.

I remember feeling very much like a wolf during the dream, almost as if I was transformed. A wolf might have also come to watch over me. This most likely happened as I lay on the ground in pain, feeling my breaths get slow and labored as I died.
I saw the fight continue, but it was almost over. There were very few soldiers remaining. The arena was must darker. I felt sand under my cheek and hands. Dead bodies were all around me. As my eyes closed, the feeling of being a wolf was the strongest. I think it is the wolf spirit that would not give up or die. My life was not meant to end there.

I don't know how long I slept or was unconscious. Perhaps it was for centuries. As I opened my eyes, I found myself in a modern setting. To be more specific, I was on the floor of my grandmother's house. I was still in some pain. Slowly, I moved stiff, aching muscles and sat up. A sword was also on the floor, within reach. It frightened me. I looked down at my shirt. There was no blood or hole in the fabric. But when I stretched the collar down, a healing white scar was on my chest.
I carefully stood. I heard my grandmother coming into the house, snatched up the sword, and found a place to hide it. The dream ended there.

The pain and being stabbed had seemed very realistic. Upon waking, I did look at my chest. No white scar, but there is a red rash where one had not been yesterday. Maybe I was bitten by a mosquitoe or something in the night as I slept, causing my mind to fabricate my death. Or maybe it's something more. The mind is powerful, and sometimes what we imagine does have small physical effects on the body. Of course, I can't know for sure. I just try to think of multiple possibilities.

I do believe that this dream is a sign of the strong wolf spirit within. Even when our physical bodies die, the soul remains.

"There is no death. Only a change of worlds." - Chief Seattle, Dwamish Tribe

Wolf Daughter

Wolf Mother

May. 1st, 2008 10:35 pm
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I keep thinking about a dream I had last night.

I was with my Mom and her parents. Being with my family starts out pleasant enough. I think we have gathered to eat lunch, but at some point things start to feel strange to me. After eating, we are walking outside. A sunny day begins to turn cloudy. A couple stray dogs come into the yard. One attacks me, but I growl and fight back. When things settle down, I realize I've been wrestling with an adolescent wolf.

A think heavy fog rolls into the yard. It's hard to see my Mom and grandparents across the yard. That's when a large grey female wolf comes up beside me. She says I fought well with her pup, and I have potential. She tells me now is the time to leave my human family if I want to become a wolf. The two pups with her are friendly and seem hopeful that I choose to go with them.

At this point, the dream gets strange. I move through the thick fog towards my Mom. I guess to speak with her as I decide to stay or go with the wolves. But as I get closer, I see that she is holding a baby. This confuses me. Lightning strikes, or a fire is started somehow. The baby is badly burned and injured. I'm frightened. Mom is also scared and crying. I think I try to talk to her, but she doesn't hear me or see me.

At this point, I decide I no longer have a place with my Mom or the people I've known. I don't belong there any more, and I follow the wolves. I recall howling in the dream. It was probably during this time. The grey female becomes my new mother, and she teaches me all I need to know.

Another part of the dream occurs during a hunt. The female and I are in a meadow. We have been unable to catch anything for a couple days, and we are hungry. The female tells me to be quiet and patient. She tells me to listen to the grass and the plants around us. They would help us locate the pray. The Earth provides everything we need. A short while later, we are able to hear the grass moving because of hidden birds, and we eat well that day.

There are parts of this dream which are confusing. I don't understand the whole thing, but other parts seem very important. There are lessons to be remembered, and I believe it means some major changes might happen in my life soon.

Wolf Daughter
May 1, 2008

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 This dream was a series of events. There were jumps and and skips in the dream, but I believe it was all linked together. I’m not exactly sure in what order things happened, so I will try to remember what I can.

A middled-aged man and woman are looking for someone or something. They talked to other people, asking for directions. This couple had a younger woman with them, and I believe she was me. I am the woman because I see from her point of view. We eventually find a couple men to help us. We are in a vehicle when we come to a shopping center. The lights are going off. The store is closing, and people are scurrying to purchase food. Others are stealing it and running away. The men helping us also steal some food.

Maybe I should go backwards though. I remember a part of the dream where I’m in a dim room like a bar, except it’s mostly empty. There is one counter where a couple guards sit. I’m at a lone table, sitting and coloring a drawing. I have a backpack next to me. At the back of the room, I sense another person. He is completely in shadow. I can’t see him, but I don’t like how he makes me feel. I know he is watching me. I start to feel like it is time to leave. I believe I entered the place willingly, but I could be wrong. It’s also possible that I was being held captive, because I sneak out during a disturbance. The guards go outside to check on something they have seen on surveillance cameras.

Maybe at this point, the older lady and gentleman help me. It’s also at this point that I begin to realize something bad is happening. There is like a war starting, and we look for a safer place to stay.

The man leads us to a house, and he talks to a guard there, convincing him that we are friends of the master or owner of the house. This new man is strange in a way, but he is also kind. I think he is actually someone quite powerful, like a magician or wizard, but those aren’t really the best words to describe him. He always has plenty of food. The chocolate pasteries are my favorites. The oddest and most noticeble thing is the interior of the house. It is all shades of blue. The painter, as I will now call him, continuously repaints the rooms of the house. The shades of blue are the most beautiful, painted in intricate, expressive patterns.

One day as I watch him paint, I ask him why he only uses blue. He says it is because he is poor. That is the only color he can buy, or it is the only color people don’t use often. I tell him that one day, I will buy him more colors. He simply nods and smiles. I think I begin to fall in love with the painter of few words. After being in the house for a while, I begin to understand that he is creating a protective barrier by constantly changing the rooms. All the symbols and patterns he paints change the energy in and around the house. He is keeping us hidden.
Something goes wrong though. The dream does not end peacefully. One day, soldiers find the house. 

The painter tells the older couple and me that it’s not safe any more. The house seems to crumble around us. I remember being on cliffs over a waterfall. The cliffs were breaking apart too because the soldiers were attacking. Then, beautiful, calming music filled my ears. It penetrated my spirit and lifted me upward. I transformed into a bird. I didn’t really have a physical body. I was spirit. I was soaring and flying away from the danger. It was one of the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. It was like flying through a rainbow. I was free! But not for very long. The painter had probably put the spell on me and the couple so we could escape. I did fly for a long distance, but when I turned to fly into space, a voice told me I couldn’t go that far. I had to return.

It’s as if I blinked, and I was flying above the desert. Red mesas and cliffs passed by below me. I was back in my human body. I think the older couple was flying too, but the painter wasn’t there. Someone else had taken his place.

Below, I saw more soldiers on horses. The horses were able to run and jump almost vertically across the mesas and cliffs. They were clearly chasing us. At this point, I understand that some person was trying to take control of the land. In order to accomplish that goal, he needed to find and destroy the powerful protectors of the land. Again, they are similar to wizards. They are strong and use some form of magic and energy manipulation.

I blink again. I’m sitting in a room beside a powerful, dark man. He seems to be cloaked in shadow like a dark silhouette. But I’m not afraid of him. I think I’m actually glad to be there. But I’m also feeling guilty. By being there, I have put this man at risk. The person trying to conquer the land has found this shadowed man’s hidden fortress. He is using his energy to keep us safe, but the soldiers are breaking through his defenses. The rooms shake. I see the older couple there too, across the room. They have done their best and protected me as long as they could, but they can’t do anything against the combined strength of all the soldiers. 

My new protector, the stranger beisde me, has his arm tightly around me. I feel tired and my head is on his shoulder. I’m causing him to be in danger. His face comes close to mine. A hood he wears puts me in shadow too. He holds a device that shows the remaining strength of the defenses around the fortress. The number of green bars decreas as explosions cause more shaking damage.

We don’t have much time he says in a deep, calm voice. The soldiers are coming soon, but he seems unafraid while I tremble. But I could be trembling because he is closer to me now. He puts away the useless device he had to monitor the fortress. His hand clasps mine. Our lips almost touch.

But I still feel guilty for leading the soldiers to this man. I turn to a window and look down on the struggling soldiers. The magic, though weakened, is killing many of them. Horses leap away screaming and rider-less down the red mesa cliffs.

The man is silently, patiently watching me. I face him, and he leans in toward me. Our lips touch tentatively at first. Soon, he is hugging and kissing me strongly.

The soldiers are approaching. The fortress is almost defenseless. Yet this strange man seems unworried. I don’t know what he has planned, but giving up and being captured clearly isn’t part of that plan. Unfortunately, I don’t know what happens next. That’s where I woke up, with intense kisses slowly fading from my lips.

Looking back, I feel like the painter and the mysterious man, dressed in the deepest black and masked in shadow were possibly the same person. Being a painter was possibly a disguise, and the other form showed this man’s true power and determination. It was clear that he is capable of affection and caring for me. However, there was something sad about him. It seemed like I was the only person who ever understood him or accept him for his powers and how he truly was as a person. I also don’t know why I needed the protection, but maybe the tyrant trying to conquer the land knew I was this other man’s love or that he cared deeply for me. Maybe that’s why he was sad and also guilty. His power and resposibility to fight and defend the land had put me in danger.

I could probably some up with some other therories, but I honestly don’t know for sure. It was just a dream. But it was a dream I kind of wish was real. I kind of wish I could have stayed and died beside this man, but maybe I should be careful what I wish for.

*heavy sigh* 

Maybe in some alternate universe that powerful shadowed man is fighting an epic battle. I wish him a glorious victory. Maybe he will come find me one day...


Yeah...Back to reality. I have class work to finish.


Sweet Dreams

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

I was in the city, walking down the road, and people were staring at me. It was because four or five white wolves were following me. I came to a stop in a parking garage. Too many people were watching, and the wolves needed to leave. They turned and faded into the shadows. But one lingered.

I kneeled and beckoned to him. He slowly approached and allowed me to pet his neck. He said he had something to give me. I held out my hands, and a small pouch dropped from the wolf's mouth into them. He said I must not open the pouch. I needed to search for and find something else. He couldn't tell me anymore and disappeared.

So I walked through the city all night searching for something. I didn't know where I was going or why. I just had the pouch given to me by the white wolf. I finally climbed to the top of a building, and it seemed like a dead end. I didn't know where else to go. But there was a man there. It seemed like a strange place to find another person.

He asked what I was doing there. I said I was searching for something, and it seemed like I was lost. He offered to help me and asked if I had any clues or anything that might point the way. All I had was the pouch, and if I remember correctly, I let him see it after some hesitation. I believe I told him it couldn't be opened. The end of the dream is fuzzy. I'm not sure if this happened or not, but I think he told me not to be afraid. Then, we might have opened the pouch together.

I'm not sure what was inside. That I don't remember. But after thinking about it, maybe it contained some courage, hope, and trust. Or maybe we climbed down from the building and continued on the quest together. 
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The following poem is about the wolf spirit within and the watchful spirits of other wolves who have helped guide me through life. It is also about reaching a place, or state of mind, where I could accept what I was and stop denying.

"Dare to Follow"
I stand in a dream
That shows true reality.
The one I hide inside.
Colorless and cold.
A desolate place.
Containing only a weak heart,
A trapped spirit,
And a broken soul.
All stunted and barren.
Clouds filled only with torment and sorrow,
Raining memories full of regret.
Screams and cries are carried on the wind.
How do I escape?
Which direction?

Follow me.

A voice whispers at my side.
A calming presence
Stirring new life into my spirit
As I look up towards the horizon...
A wolf stands there, looking back at me.

Will you follow me?
Strength and courage will be tested.
Also your faith, loyalty, and love.
Beyond your past awaits the future!
Face all doubt and emptiness.
Conquer all fears.
I am here.

One step at a time, I follow my guide, leaving the pain behind...

Wolf Daughter
December 31, 2007
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

This journal entry marks the day that I was finally done with being a Christian. It also includes an in depth look into the development of my Therianthropy.

I had two friends. I suspected that the first one didn't believe me. We had an argument last week, and I was right. He doesn't believe people can have animal souls. The second friend believed me for a while. Then, he went overseas on a mission trip. He came back and doesn't believe me. "That's not the way God works," He told me. "I think you are lost and don't want to be found." It was late, and I didn't ask for a further explanation. He doesn't agree with my beliefs, but he did say he respects them. At least that's something.

The first friend acted as if he didn't even want to respect my beliefs. He didn't think I could be happy this way. Well, I told him I couldn't talk to him any more, and I waited for the feelings of loneliness and emptiness to tell me I'd done something wrong. Instead, I felt as if it should have happened long ago, as if he and I had been holding each other back from better possibilities. Now, I think I can move on and prepare for the next stage of my journey.

I'm not mad or angry at either of them. I still wish for their happiness and hope they are blessed in life. Yet, at the same time, I still ask myself some questions and examine some things from my own life again. It's not like I had problems in my life, found a group of people, and decided to be like them to hide or run away from my problems. That's not it at all.

It's true that my parents had problems and are divorced now. That could have made me change. But why change the way I did if I could have picked up the habits and stuff of my friends at school? No, I still wasn't like them either. The wolf came to me, gave me hope and comfort. I didn't believe at first. The wolf disappeared for a while, but it kept returning. I had dreams of the wolf, and it told me I could be happy. I started to accept the wolf as a part of me instead of taking the many other paths set before me. There were so many chances to be someone else, to be "normal," but I guess that wasn't truly me. I accepted the wolf and wanted to learn more. That's when I found others like me.

I guess I'm writing this, because I might be doubting a little. However, I don't think I could ever go back now. If I pushed the wolf away, rejected her, and tried to forget my soul and my beliefs to be more normal, I would be living a lie.

So what's worse - ending a friendship and being myself, or living a lie to please someone else? Does keeping my beliefs make me selfish? I try to imagine being like them, like other humans, ignorant of new possibilities, some never giving their spirits or souls a single thought. I try to see myself acting more like them to fit in, belong, have more friends, and possibly be popular.

But I feel something inside me cringe. It's afraid of those thoughts. I guess it's the wolf in me. She doesn't care about being popular, fitting in, or pleasing people who don't understand. She just wants the freedom to be true to herself and what she believes. And I believe that I'm quite capable of being happy the way I am. I think the more I embrace the wolf within, the stronger and more confident I will become. The wolf is my guide, and it is there to help me.

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