ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 Hello. Welcome to Therian Nation. This blog will feature educational material, discussions, interviews, and news about Therianthropy and the Therian community. Therian Nation’s mission is to educate the public and the community while dispelling false and misleading information. Topics will be presented in a professional and respectful manner and examined with critical thinking. Therian Nation aims to be factual, helpful, and inclusive to all who are serious about identifying as a Therian or anyone interested in learning about Therianthropy. Therian Nation also aims to be inclusive by using multiple sources and viewpoints. Knowledge, experiences, and data will be gathered from across the community, including group chats and communication with members from as many forums as possible. This show will aim to be non-biased. We want to have an open and positive discourse. Therian Nation encourages constructive dialogue from the public Tumblr audience as well. Subscribe to Therian Nation to learn and stay informed about Therianthropy and the Therian community. Please read the disclaimer. Thank you.

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ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 I've come to feel as if my therianthropy is both spiritual and psychological. This is my story, recently written. Feel free to ask questions and leave comments.

I was once a normal, happy, ignorant human child. Youth is shed painfully. Certainly in my case. My first hard lesson came at the age of nine. I tried to show care, concern, and love for a puppy. My mother scolded me and told me not to cry. She said that if I ever cried like that again, she would take that dog away from me. Those words crushed my soul. They killed any true happiness or love in me.

Why get attached to another being if showing any emotional connection to it will result in someone ripping it away from me? I would never have the ability to properly form attachments, make friends, or truly know love. Sure, I have a mate, but to this very day I sometimes question my feelings. I question their authenticity. Are they real? Are they true? I try not to question too much or think of it too often. But mimicry is a major tool for survival. Do I mimic the actions of one in a loving relationship? I don't have the answer.

Even if I can express emotions better after several years of healing, I'm still afraid that my attachments might not be healthy ones. But again, thinking too much only makes it worse.

I suffered depression for months after being told to bottle up my emotions. I suffer to this day. Next my humanity was slowly, agonizingly chipped away. The hell created by my parents went on for seven or eight long years. It continued long after they divorced. Every day of those years was filled with my parents fighting and arguing. I was surrounded by verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. During those years, I think my father asked me once if I was okay. Every night I thought of ending my life. My parents taught me, for the second time, that love did not exist. It was fake. Only anger, hate, distrust, and disappointment are true emotions.

I was broken. I did not allow myself to give in to any emotions. Except when they escaped in rare uncontrollable outbursts. Those outbursts drew too much attention and landed me in more trouble. So, I pushed emotions down deeper into darker corners of my mind. I had no relationships in high school. I trusted no one. I was as anxious and wary as a caged animal as I sat in classrooms. I was a tormented beast that wanted out of my own mind and body.

After one outburst, I was sent to the high school's councilor. I spoke with her three or four times. Then, my mother found out. My mother said that I had no right to talk to other people about her and my father's private problems and private lives. I also took it as being reprimanded again for having emotions and for seeking help with them because they were becoming darker and more destructive. I stopped visiting the councilor. To feel only brought me scorn.

How does a teenager survive all of this? How did I think of suicide every night and day for years and not attempt the the act? How did I wake up and walk through another day filled with depression, self-loathing, anger, and hate? I also had no relationships simply to protect anyone I thought I cared about. I kept them at a distance to protect them from the damning darkness that seethed inside of me. I was worthless. I knew I was incapable of caring or truly loving another person. Why even try? Love was a joke. My parents taught me well. Love did not exist.

Why didn't I give up, with nothing good to live for? Humans are animals. They have basic survival instincts. They just don't admit to being so base. I had nothing else. Without emotion and higher feelings, I became a beast.

That puppy which my mother had told me not to cry over had been a wolf-dog. By forcing us apart my mother brought us together in a way that she could never have imagined. By separating us, my mother actually made that wolf-dog my only reason to exist. Somewhere deep down inside my sick mind, I latched onto the idea that the wolf-dog was my pack and only true family. Even after his mysterious death at only two years of age, I felt as if he was the only one who had ever cared for me. He had been my brother and mentor. That wolf-dog taught me everything I know. A wolf-dog saved this wretched human and with his help, through hell's fire, this soul and mind have been forged into those of a wolf. A beast of survival.

Every day I thought about suicide was a day of perseverance. The wolf in me knew that the famine wouldn't last forever. Every day was just about blending in, acting as normal as possible so no one got suspicious and asked questions. I tried to hide the chaos inside. It was chaotic suppressing emotions while becoming less human and more wolf with each passing day. Again, I protected those around me from this chaos by keeping them at a distance, even pushing them coldly away. But I was surviving. My human brain struggled against the beast growing and taking over. Buy my spirit was beginning to shine through the darkness.

Here, I will throw in another facet of this experience and transformation. In the beginning, I had called myself a Christian. I feared God. I feared being damned and going to hell. It's what led me to hate myself. I was born a sinner. I thought I had read somewhere that children of divorced parents were damned and sent to hell. So, my life was hopeless. My soul was irredeemable. Why was I trying? Why not kill myself since I was damned anyway?

But wolf doesn't think that way. Wolf survives. Wolf does not need to be saved by anyone. I came to realize that there was no Jesus or God. No one was going to save me. Only I could help and save myself. If anyone is responsible for helping to save me, it was, of course, a wolf-dog. Discarding the concept that I was predestined to spend an eternity in hell for my parents' decisions started a reaction that has slowly dissolved a lot of pain. That also led to the wolf being a more free, confident, and powerful being.

The wolf within me was actually the light in the darkness. I saw my physical human form as ugly. I was not desirable. I was weak and sickly. Stress and depression ravage the body and can cause long-term health problems. Through the years, I went to several doctors. Each doctor gave a different diagnosis. Mononucleosis. Irritable bowel syndrome. I could be doubled over from the pain of ovarian cysts. I was anemic and had no energy. A weak wolf does not survive, but the wolf in me was strong and beautiful. I never turned to smoking, alcohol, or drugs during those challenging years of my life. The wolf within forced me to make healthier choices. I began to eat better food and exercise. I got stronger to survive. To this day, not being active enough and eating poorly causes IBS and cyst flare ups. But I manage them.

I still struggle with emotions. But wolves are emotional beings. Wolves are pack animals. They form bonds with others. I am still wary of other humans and don't really trust anyone. Other than my mate, I still don't have any friends. I still just go through my days trying to blend in and look normal. Being a wolf is what makes me a decent human being. Believe it or not, canines and other creatures have systems of morality and fairness. If not for becoming a wolf, the hateful person that I had been would have started to hurt herself and others on purpose.

Believe it or not, my mind is not so sick anymore. I said I still suffer from depression, but I attribute that to being human. I've never taken any medication for depression. I see it like the waves of the ocean. They come and go. Depression rises up and falls down on a regular basis. I'm learning to manage depression along with my other health problems. Being mindful is the key. I am much better off as a wolf that I ever was as only a human. I hated myself enough over the years. I don't hate myself now. I am content with being this beast. This wolf is content with being a survivor instead of a suicide.

Addition:
My parents actually have a good friendship after being divorced for a few years, and I have a fairly good relationship with them.

Wolf Daughter
December 12, 2015

Bear Dream

Oct. 7th, 2010 12:07 am
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
My mate and I were walking along a two-lane road through the woods. Soon, we reached the edge of a small town. We approached a couple of kids, and they pointed out a mother black bear and her three young cubs. The mother and one of the cubs was in a yard eating berries from a bush near a house. The two other cubs were on the other side of the road, afraid to walk across the hard pavement.

I slowly made my way across the street, around some trees and shrubs, and got behind the two cubs. I waved my arms in the air and made loud noises. The cubs became more afraid of me and joined their mother and sibling. I was content and found myself back and my mate's side. We watched the bears quietly, but the mother was becoming nervous as more people gathered around.

She began to lead her cubs away from the house when a crowd of people arrived. This part of the dream was less clear, but these people must have harassed and frightened her. They didn't want her near the town. I think she had started for the woods on the other side of a field. She was leaving, but the people continued to follow her, yelling and screaming. They went too far. She must have turned around and charged at them because she felt the need to protect herself and her cubs. I know that no human was harmed. Her charge was brief before she turned and ran for the woods again, following her cubs. But a man had a gun. He shot her in the back of the head.

I was horrified at what was happening. So many people were yelling and screaming. The man that shot her saddled his horse. He tied a rope around her neck, and disrespectfully dragged her body back to the yard. Other people patted him on the back, congratulating him, and thanking him. I was disgusted. How could they brag about what they had done?

This innocent bear was dead. Her cubs were alone and would probably starve. I was beginning to cry as I stared at the limb body, which had been filled with life and love. She had only been feeding her family and trying to protect them. I stared at the bloody hole in her head. I saw the shattered skull. I was crying as I walked over to her. I kneeled down next to the body. I hugged her and ran my fingers through her fur. I closed her eyes. Many of the people around me were confused at my actions, but I felt like my own mother had been killed. I didn't care what they thought.

Thankfully, not all of the people there were celebrating the bear's death. Natives had arrived. They were moved by my tears. They brought offerings, moved the bear to a proper location, and began to build a pyre around her. Drummers and dancers appeared. They began to dance and sing. The man responsible for the bear's death and many other people wandered away, thinking the ceremony was silly. I watched as the body burned into the night, my mate holding me close and offering me comfort.

Near the end of the dream a strange man walked over to me. He looked mostly white, but I understand that the Natives respected him for his knowledge, beliefs, and way of living, which was similar to their own. He looked me in the eye. His voice was sincere. “There aren't many people like you left in the world who feel connected to the animals. And the time you've spent with wolves truly makes your spirit unique. Don't forget that.” He slowly walked away. I had never seen this man before. How did he know about the wolves?

The Natives continued to dance and sing to the drums. The fire continued to burn, setting the bear's spirit free from the physical body. My dream faded into blackness, then gray, and I slowly woke up. The dream was vivid and left me with a strange feeling. It was very powerful and emotional. I suppose its lesson and meaning will reveal themselves to me on a future date.
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Second Chance

They want me to stay.
Their words held me back years ago,
Their words try to convince me now,
But the memories of this place are
      Filled with Pain
      Filled with Fear
      Filled with Regret
I vowed not to endure again.
Everything threatens to trap me here.
And I don't deserve a second chance.

But my spirit beckoned me
      To a distant place
      Where I found a missing part of myself.

He wants me to live.
His words set me free each day,
His words call to me gently,
And new memories are forming
      Filled with Happiness
      Filled with Promises
      Filled with Love
We vowed to protect forever.
Everything leads to freedom there.
And I have been given a second chance
      To fix my mistakes
      And not take Love for granted.

Wolf Daughter
January 22, 2010
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I dreamed of Crow last night and wanted to share some information about Crow as a totem and spirit guide.

Crow Medicine
 
There is a medicine story that tells of Crow’s fascination with her own shadow. She kept looking at it, scratching it, pecking it, until her shadow woke up and became alive. Then Crow’s shadow ate her. Crow is Dead Crow now.
 
Dead Crow is the Left-Handed Guardian. If you look deeply into Crow’s eyes, you will have found the gateway to the super-natural. Crow knows the unknowable mysteries of creation and is the keeper of all sacred law.
 
Since Crow is the keeper of sacred law, Crow can bend the laws of the physical universe and “shape shift.” This ability is rare an unique. Few adepts exist in today’s world, and fewer still have mastered Crow’s art of shape shifting. This art includes doubling, or being in two places at one time consciously; taking on another physical form, and becoming the “fly on the wall” to observe what is happening far away. Crow medicine people are masters of illusion.
 
All sacred texts are under protection of Crow. Creator’s Book of Laws or Book of Seals is bound in Crow feathers. Crow feathers tell of spirit made flesh. Crow is also the protector of the “ogallah” or ancient records.
 
The law which states that “all things are born of women” is signified by Crow.
 
Children are taught to behave according to the rules of a particular culture. Most orthodox religious systems create a mandate concerning acceptable behavior within the context of worldly affairs. Do this and you will go to heaven. Do thus and you will go to hell. Different formulas for salvation are demanded by each “true faith.”
 
However, human law is not the same as Sacred Law. More so than any other medicine, Crow sees that the physical world and even the spiritual world, as humanity interprets them, are an illusion.
 
There are an infinitude of creatures. Great Spirit is within all. If an individual obeys Crow’s perfect laws as given by the Creator, then at death he or she dies a Good Medicine Death and goes on to the next incarnation with a clear memory of his or her past.
 
Crow is an omen of change. Crow lives in the void and has no sense of time. The Ancient Chiefs tell us that Crow sees simultaneously the three fates—past, present, and future. Crow merges light and darkness, seeing both inner and outer reality.
 
Crow medicine signifies a firsthand knowledge of a higher order of right and wrong than that indicated by the laws created in human culture. With Crow medicine, a person can speak in a powerful voice when addressing issues that are out of harmony, out of balance, or unjust.
 
Allow personal integrity to be your guide, and the sense of being alone will vanish. Personal will can emerge so that you can stand in truth. The path of Crow people is to be mindful of opinions and actions. Be willing to walk your talk, speak your truth, know your life’s mission, and balance past, present, and future in the now. Shape shift that old reality and become your future self. Allow the bending of physical laws to aid in creating the shape shifted world of peace.
 
Information taken from the book, "The Discovery of Power through the Ways of Animals" by Jamie Sams and David Carson.

Walk softly and thanks for reading.

Wolf Daughter
September 17, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
A wealthy royal family lives in seclusion from the impoverished world below their ornate palace. The prison is nothing but a barren fenced in field, with no shade or shelter from the elements, where wrongfully accused peasants slowly die. Beyond the barren field an untouched forest holds promises of freedom and a new life.
“Shut up,” I grumble under my breath at the two clumsy men trying to cut the magically electrified fence. “I don’t know how you managed to get back here without being noticed.”
“We’re not getting out of here,” another woman beside me said with her arms crossed and a bored look on her face.
A third man appeared. “You should be able to cut it now. Hurry up.”
They begin to cut the fence with large sheers, but don’t get very far before patrolling guards come around the corner and shout. The men run for their lives towards the forest. I run too, heading for the end of the prison. With the charge still disabled, I scramble over the fence, along with the other woman who had been beside me. Other prisoners, those with the strength to run, have also rushed the fence.
I catch up with the three men, and the five of us continue running for the forest. A steep hill blocks our path, but we are determined to escape and start to climb. Half way up, an alarm sounds from the prison. Screams come from the stragglers seconds later as a deadly spell, resembling a wall of water, crashes down on them. We don’t stop and climb the spruce covered hill high enough to avoid the first magical attack, but we know another will soon follow. We reach the top and quickly scramble down, sliding on dry needles that cover the ground and stumbling over dead branches.
I’m startled by a noise behind me like a horrendous wind blowing through the trees. I turn around to see what’s going to kill me. To my surprise, a native woman with long black hair dressed in deer skins stands in front of me. She glows with a white light that holds back another magical attack. She takes a few steps forward and stretches out her arms. That’s when I notice the limp body of a juvenile white wolf. I wonder if it is wounded or asleep.
The woman speaks in a soft, wise voice. She tells me to take the wolf and that it will protect me. I reach out to accept the wolf. The light around her grows brighter, more intense, and it envelops me as I shut my eyes. When the light suddenly disappears, I open my eyes again only too see the sky through the tree limbs. My friends call out to me from the bottom of the hill. Their voices bring me out of my stunned state, and I dash down after them.
We ran through the woods for a few minutes and broke through to the shore of a lake. A large tall ship constructed of a golden-colored wood and golden sails was anchored near the shore. No other people seemed to be around. The ship was unguarded. We went aboard to search for food and supplies. Two of the guys went below. The other, along with me and the other woman stayed on deck. (Sadly, I don’t remember any names from my dream.) The other woman suddenly began to yell from the helm. “It’s moving on its own! I can’t control it!”
The ship had detached itself from the moorings and moved out into deeper water. The other two men rushed back to deck. “I can’t control it!” the woman yelled again, unable to move the wheel. There was nothing we could do to stop the ship, and we were in for an even greater surprise. The golden ship lifted up from the water and took to the air. We were flying over the trees and hills. We didn’t know where the ship was taking us or why, but we had no choice.
 
 
 
 My friends and I had imagined escaping to an endless wilderness, but we quickly realized how wrong we had been. After a few hours of flying, the forest turned into a barren dead landscape. Only patches of brambles and thorns grew, and those looked more brown than green.
The trees were either burned to black charcoal or cut so that only stumps remained. The water changed from clear blue to black, as if the rivers and lakes held tar and oil instead of water. The sky turned from blue to grey. The world was no longer one we were familiar with. We’d had no idea this existed, and we all wondered what had happened. What could have caused the destruction of so much land?
 
 
 
 Our answer revealed itself sooner than we’d hoped. The ship rose over a hill and we were suddenly able to see the form of a massive black city that took up the entire side of a mountain. Below, thousands of people were gathered in front of what was noticeably a ruler of some kind. More noticeable were the number of guards and soldiers in armor and masks with blood red capes shifting in the chilly yet choking breezing.
Gasps and screams could be heard from the huge gathering as the ship passed over them. But the guards kept a strict order. To our dismay, the ship landed near this horrible place, and guards quickly approached us. There was no point in hiding, fighting, or running. We let ourselves be captured without a struggle. As we were pushed through the crowd, we got a glimpse of how ruthless and uncaring this place was.
A woman cried as guards separated her from her husband. She screamed. “Please don’t take him away! Don’t make him do those things.” The man did not fight back. He hung his head and faded into the crowd, being taken from his family for some unexplained reason to be a slave.
We were not chained or shackled, but blood red robes were placed on us. The hoods covered our faces. A wide path was open before the ruler. We were positioned in the middle in a V-shape with me strangely in the center, at the apex. The guards shoved us down, forcing us to kneel.
I was the closest to the throne. I lifted my head slightly to see past the dark hood which obscured my vision. What appeared to be a young woman in a light grey dress sat on a black throne. I had never seen her before, yet something inside me said I knew her. I felt immense anger and hatred, as if she had taken everything from me and had destroyed all I had loved. I felt as if I wanted revenge on this woman. I felt as if I wanted to kill her.
She spoke in a commanding tone. “One of you is hiding your true self. You can either reveal yourself or my servants will do so. They can sense the difference in consciousness.”
Other woman moved from beside the throne and approached us. I felt as if I should know what she was talking about. I sensed that my friends were confused and didn’t know what she meant. That left me.
Suddenly a servant was behind me. A hand grasped my shoulder. I was jolted as the woman’s mind entered mine with a shock of pain. And memories flooded me. I remembered. I knew my true self.
I stood up, unafraid. I lifted my head and boldly pushed back the hood, looking the witch in the eye. “I’m the wolf therian. I’m the one you want.”
The witch smiled a sinister smile. “You are the one I’ve been hunting.” She stood and took a couple steps towards me. I tensed. Adrenaline filled my veins, and I reacted on instinct. Without much thought, I charged at her, throwing off the robe as I ran. As I did, I partially transformed into a wolf. My hands became paws. My face elongated into a muzzle. My teeth grew longer and sharper. It felt as if I were stronger, and fur covered most of my body.
The witch screamed and lifted her hand to cast a spell. I dodged to the side, placed my feet firmly under me, regained my balance, and leaped. An invisible force slammed me to the ground, knocking the air from my lungs. I was disoriented. I felt a weight on my chest as the witch placed a foot on me and prepared to strike with a dagger.
I rolled, throwing her off balance and to the ground. I didn’t waste the opportunity and pinned her down. I snarled, showing my fangs. I wanted to sink them into her thin pale neck. Rage boiled inside of me. Every muscle was drawn tight.
“Kill me,” she hissed, staring at me with cold silver eyes.
But I hesitated. Would anything really change if I killed her now?
“You can’t kill me,” she laughed. “You’re too weak.”
A soldier stepped up beside us and a blow to the back of my head made me go limp. I wasn’t completely unconscious, but I was paralyzed. I saw my friends in the distance, huddled together in fear and surrounded by guards. I briefly wondered what would happen to them because I had failed. I wanted to tell them I was sorry for not being strong enough. My eyes slowly closed and everything went black as soldiers dragged me away.

~~~

A light breeze made ripples on the water of a lake. The reflection of a half moon shimmered. My friends and I were relaxing on a veranda. It was quiet and peaceful. But I began to feel as if things were out of place. How did I get here?
The moon in the sky shimmered too. A ring of colors appeared and swirled around it. I felt pulled in as if my insides were also being twisted.
“Are you okay?” the guy closest to me asked. “You look sick.”
I was sick. Lights flashed before my eyes like fireworks. Sparks bounced across the water of the lake. Finally, I could take the disorientation no longer. I went to the rail and threw up. Thick green liquid was ejected from inside me, and my head started to clear. The illusion before my eyes broke and faded away. Memories returned again, in such a rush that I gagged and threw up more of the green liquid.
With my head clear, and a spell broken, I began to tell my friends the truth. They soon felt sick and purged their bodies of the mind controlling substance. Once they were returning to themselves, old feelings rose to the surface within me. I had an unfinished task to complete. I felt the need for revenge.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Saturday night I dreamed of a horse. He was a very light brown, almost white, or what would be considered a "flea-bitten" coloration. He was very strong and spirited. In the beginning of the dream, even as he grazed in the field, a mischievous, playful sparkle was in his eyes. When need be, this horse was calm and well-mannered. It seemed as if he was always aware of  my presence and location. He seemed careful and caution of his strength because he didn't want to harm me when I was near him.

As the dream progressed, something happened and this amazing creature became sick. My efforts to give him good hay and food failed. I gripped his head and halter, desperately trying to make him swallow medicine. But nothing worked.

My family stands in the field on a sunny day, but I stand at a distance from them, alone and sad. The horse is gone. The field is empty. Then a man appears. I have never seen him before, and I don't know his name. If I recall correctly, his hair is dark brown. His jacket and clothing are more like that of a soldier, maybe from the 18th century, but it was definitely not modern. The man was calm and had gentle, caring eyes. He approached me and might have rested a hand on my arm or shoulder. Although he did not speak, he seemed to be communicating feelings to me, and he understood how I felt. However, I refused to be comforted at that time.

When the man moved away, he rested in the grass a short distance away. He motioned silently with a hand, asking me to come over to him. I was still standing, head held low with the burden of sadness and guilt at the horse's death. But I was growing tired. I finally lifted my head a little and glanced at the stranger in the grass, who was watching me with warm, un-judging eyes.

I slowly moved towards him. As I did, my pain and regret began to lift. With each step I felt better. My muscles, which had been tense and stiff, began to relax. I went down to my knees, felt the soft grass beneath my hands, and I rested my head on the man's chest. He put an arm around me, and I felt as if everything was okay. I felt as if all were forgiven. I closed my eyes. I felt comfortable and safe, and I fell asleep. My dream ended peacefully.

The horse in my dream was named Thunder. For many years he was a real friend to me. On December 17, 2008, I watched him die. It was a long and painful battle with colic. I can't imagine the pain Thunder felt. I admit, I still carry some sadness and guilt. I regret that I did not care for him more properly or give him more of my time and attention. But maybe there is no real reason to feel that way. Perhaps the man in my dream was Thunder in a human form, giving me comfort. I would like to believe this. The man did seem to have a strong connection to the grass and the earth. He was unafraid to be on the ground, and seemed very familiar with it and the grass. Also, the entire dream took place outside in the field that Thunder knew well.

It crosses my mind that the man could also be the wolf spirit that often appears in my dreams. He could have also taken human form to give me comfort after Thunder's death. But I don't think the man had the same type of energy that the wolf usually does. It felt different. I feel as if it's more likely that the man was the horse's spirit.

I also wonder why he was dressed in older clothing. It brings to mind a legend I might have heard a long time ago. I think it was about brave soldiers being reborn as horses in the next life. Perhaps the spirit learned and experienced what he needed to as a horse. After becoming aware of that, maybe the spirit returned in my dream to let me know that I shouldn't be sad any more. I can put some of my negative feelings and memories to rest. I hope that's true. I do feel as if I have another spirit and friend watching over me, and I am thankful for the pleasant ending of the dream.

Wolf Daughter
March 29, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I find myself on a journey.

In an unfamiliar place on every level of existence.

Thrust here by events outside of my control.

Emotionally wavering between nothing and everything, mentally juggling emptiness, voids in thought and those times when thoughts fire so rapidly I can’t hold onto them all. Some ideas slip away never to be found again. Others remain and imbed themselves, never to leave. Physically cycling from restless energy to exhaustion. Moments when I feel like anything is possible to moments when each breath is surely my last. But I place one foot before the other. I do take another breath. I continue my journey.

A journey that every wolf takes, and if their trials can teach me anything, it is that all of my experiences are real. Every emotion, thought, and doubt is necessary.

I may not know where I am going or what my goal is, but I will discover it along the way…as I wander, at times seemingly without direction or purpose, sometimes looking over my shoulder at the past as I stray back into old habits, I find truth.

Without realizing it, certain ideas and beliefs attach themselves to my being, become part of me. As the journey goes on, these beliefs will manifest in my actions. I will act without thinking, guided by principles which have lodged themselves deep within my heart and soul.

And once I do realize what I am, what I truly believe, and my goal or purpose is clearly before me, I will be able to fight and die if necessary for what I hold dear, without any fear or regret.

So I am reminded that I am in the developmental stage of my journey. The end or conclusion, if there is one, lies far over a distant horizon that is not even within my sight…and won’t be for a long time.

One foot goes in front of the other…and sometimes I’m even running.

Events may happen along the way that threaten to break my spirit. Continuing may seem impossible, when some beliefs are shattered, faith crushed, and loyalty betrayed, but those things can be found again…but only if I keep going. There is no such thing as giving up. May that idea be permanent.

Even if I deny some truths for a while, the ones I need will repeat until I begin to accept new possibilities.

And what if I misinterpret the signs? How long could I waste time going in circles before I run out of time to learn the truth? What if I’m wrong and believe the lies instead of the truth? What if I become blind? How far can I stray and still be able to redeem myself? Is there a point at which a soul can no longer be reclaimed or saved from a darker path? .

But I said there was no giving up. There is no point at which forgiveness can not be obtained…from others and from within myself. Sometimes we must stray to learn lessons and find the truth.

So even through darkness and uncertainty, when I feel torn apart, I must not stop…even when I question every action and word, when everything is out of my control, and I feel like everything is wrong…I must not give up.

That is actually the point at which I could run the farthest, shine the brightest, and be the strongest and fiercest to show the world what I am and prove that I don’t lay down and die on command when things get hard.

And if I did find out that I was following only lies…what would I do? If everything was taken from me…what would I do?

Would my journey start over? Could I really keep moving forward? Or should I look back, shift through the past to find where I veered off course? Maybe the hardest trial is facing myself…breaking down all the barriers…making myself vulnerable in order to reach out… find hope…the tiniest grain of truth to lead me to a new beginning.

Wolf Daughter
February 20, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
This dream began at college, in class, with some people that I know. Later, we were at the beach, and that's when it got a little strange. I walked away from the others and was exploring the beach. Many people were there swimming and playing, doing ordinary activities. I changed into a wolf, and no one seemed to notice as I walked along, heading up a large dune.

As I approached the top, the sand didn't feel the same under my feet. I lowered my nose to the ground and smelled a terrible odor. Flocks of seagulls and other birds clearly stayed there often. The sand was covered with their feces. It made me uneasy and hesitant, but I moved forward. At the top of the dune, I saw a bird on its nest. I wanted to chase it, but I stopped myself. Something wasn't right. The bird should have been more alert, and it should have flown away. I was able to get a little closer and saw that the bird was malformed and sick. I kept my distance and moved on.

A few other interesting events occurred on the beach, but I don't want this description to be too long. So I will skip to the part where the dream environment changed. I was now running along a paved road through some woods. I startled a deer and once again wanted to take chase. But something told me not to as it leaped deeper into the trees, away from the road. I think the deer might have also seemed a little sick, like the bird.

As I continued to run, the trees became smaller. They appeared to be young, but I think it was because the soil was bad, not allowing them to grow properly. A large truck, loaded with recently cut trees, entered the road ahead of me. The sounds it made frightened me. The fumes from the truck, of diesel and grease, filled my nose. I coughed and felt choked. I was saddened by the sight, but kept running. Even though the truck disappeared, the smells lingered in the air. Something also wasn't right about the trees and plants. They all looked unhealthy. I began to feel scared and unsure of where I was.

That's when a large black wolf appeared from the woods. He took the lead in front of me, and I had confidence in him. I recognized this wolf as my spirit guide, who has appeared in many of my dreams before. I stayed close to him, pushing myself to run faster when I fell behind. I didn't want to loose my guide. I needed to show him that I could keep up with his pace.

The road became rough and deteriorated. There was no longer forest to either side. It has been replaced by thick growth of brambles and weeds, as if the land had been clear-cut. As I followed my guide, we started to meet sad, dejected wolves along the way. Each was curled up tightly on the ground, as if they had lost their will to live and were simply waiting to die.

Each time we came to one, my guide would touch his muzzle to the other and lick the wolf, encouraging it to get up. My guide was trying to restore their spirits, and he was asking them to join us. Soon, a pack had formed behind me as we ran and followed the black wolf.

But the landscape grew increasingly dark. It wasn't ordinary clouds that kept the sun from shining. It was smog and filth that filled the air. The ground turned to slick mud. All the plants were wilted and on the verge of death, struggling to live in the putrid environment. At this point, my guide slowed his pace. He carefully stepped on leaves, remaining patches of grass, and anything that helped keep his feet from sinking deep into the mud. "Watch your step," he warned us. "The ground here is poison."

We continued forward slowly. I don't know our destination. I don't know why we were in such a place. Perhaps it was our duty to find the source of the pollutants and try healing the land.

I've also thought that the landscape might reflect something inside of myself that needs to be cleansed and healed. But there is hope in my dream. In previous dreams when my guide had appeared, I had been unable to follow him to where he was going. This time I was able to run and keep up with him. But I also shouldn't ignore the warning he gave me. I need to be cautious and watch my step.

Wolf Daughter
July 19, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The shrill sound of a hawk's call woke me up today. For many hours its cry periodically filled the air. Each time, my heart beat a little faster as if with anticipation of the Unknown. The hawk's voice was moving and powerful, but I went outside and also watched the bird of prey circle above the trees. It moved so easily and gracefully in the wind. Its freedom inspired my spirit, and I felt elation at the sight of the effortless glide. As I stood there, I noticed the hawk's wing movements changing.

A special display was about to be performed. The hawk folded its wings close to its body, remained suspended for a blink of the eye, and began to free fall. As the dive began, my heart raced with the hawk in a flood of joy and adrenaline. I almost couldn't believe I was witness to this beautiful act of nature as the hawk transformed into a plummeting white speck as its feathers reflected the afternoon sun.

I wondered what it would be like. Did the hawk understand that the dive could be the difference between life and death as it aimed for a potential meal? The precise, instinctual movements of the hawk were amazing to watch. I have glimpsed this sacred event and feel blessed. This day has been a blessing, and I am thankful.

As a totem the hawk symbolizes power, magic, and it serves as a messenger between this world and the spirit realm. It holds the key to a higher level of consciousness. The hawk awakens vision and inspires a creative life purpose. It reflects a greater intensity of energy within life: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual forces.

The shrillness of Hawk's call pierces the state of unawareness and asks us to seek the truth.

Hawk tells us to remember that all gifts are equal in the eyes of the Great Spirit.

Wolf Daughter
July 16, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Dream from June 22, 2008

I was standing in a sandy arena. Other soldiers were lined up on either side of me. A king sat at one end, towards my left. A ceremony was taking place in his honor. The setting seemed to be Medieval from the looks of clothing and armor. I was among the knights and warriors there to protect and serve the king. 


The festivities continued as planned. The king ordered us to march in the arena. Men dressed in bright colors were probably clowns and performers. As the king became drunk, he ordered them to join our ranks and march too. He and the audience laughed and enjoyed themselves.

Until the situation changed. Spectators began to scream and scatter. Enemy soldiers rushed into the arena. They were clearly after the king, but we were alert and prepared. Swords were out in seconds and fighting erupted.

I was right in the middle of it, unafraid. Swords clashed and rang as soldiers grunted and yelled. The arena was also becoming dark. Late afternoon was upon us. Night was approaching, and there was a lot of dust in the air. I fought well. A couple enemies were quickly cut down. More took their place. I parried, spun, and killed another. I grappled with one soldier, threw him to the ground, and finished him.

As I stood and looked for my next opponent, a sword stabbed my chest. With one hand, I held the blade, preventing my attacker from pulling it away. With my sword in the other hand, I fought on fiercely. Soon, after two or three cuts, my foe was down. But I was bleeding, weakened, and stumbling.

I think it was also at this point that I started to feel the wolf within calling to me. My hand was still gripping the sword protruding from my chest. I gritted my teeth, pulled, and the blade slowly emerged, slick with blood. The pain buckled my knees. I fell back. The swords, released from my limp hands, landed beside me.

I remember feeling very much like a wolf during the dream, almost as if I was transformed. A wolf might have also come to watch over me. This most likely happened as I lay on the ground in pain, feeling my breaths get slow and labored as I died.
I saw the fight continue, but it was almost over. There were very few soldiers remaining. The arena was must darker. I felt sand under my cheek and hands. Dead bodies were all around me. As my eyes closed, the feeling of being a wolf was the strongest. I think it is the wolf spirit that would not give up or die. My life was not meant to end there.

I don't know how long I slept or was unconscious. Perhaps it was for centuries. As I opened my eyes, I found myself in a modern setting. To be more specific, I was on the floor of my grandmother's house. I was still in some pain. Slowly, I moved stiff, aching muscles and sat up. A sword was also on the floor, within reach. It frightened me. I looked down at my shirt. There was no blood or hole in the fabric. But when I stretched the collar down, a healing white scar was on my chest.
I carefully stood. I heard my grandmother coming into the house, snatched up the sword, and found a place to hide it. The dream ended there.

The pain and being stabbed had seemed very realistic. Upon waking, I did look at my chest. No white scar, but there is a red rash where one had not been yesterday. Maybe I was bitten by a mosquitoe or something in the night as I slept, causing my mind to fabricate my death. Or maybe it's something more. The mind is powerful, and sometimes what we imagine does have small physical effects on the body. Of course, I can't know for sure. I just try to think of multiple possibilities.

I do believe that this dream is a sign of the strong wolf spirit within. Even when our physical bodies die, the soul remains.

"There is no death. Only a change of worlds." - Chief Seattle, Dwamish Tribe

Wolf Daughter

Wolf Mother

May. 1st, 2008 10:35 pm
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I keep thinking about a dream I had last night.

I was with my Mom and her parents. Being with my family starts out pleasant enough. I think we have gathered to eat lunch, but at some point things start to feel strange to me. After eating, we are walking outside. A sunny day begins to turn cloudy. A couple stray dogs come into the yard. One attacks me, but I growl and fight back. When things settle down, I realize I've been wrestling with an adolescent wolf.

A think heavy fog rolls into the yard. It's hard to see my Mom and grandparents across the yard. That's when a large grey female wolf comes up beside me. She says I fought well with her pup, and I have potential. She tells me now is the time to leave my human family if I want to become a wolf. The two pups with her are friendly and seem hopeful that I choose to go with them.

At this point, the dream gets strange. I move through the thick fog towards my Mom. I guess to speak with her as I decide to stay or go with the wolves. But as I get closer, I see that she is holding a baby. This confuses me. Lightning strikes, or a fire is started somehow. The baby is badly burned and injured. I'm frightened. Mom is also scared and crying. I think I try to talk to her, but she doesn't hear me or see me.

At this point, I decide I no longer have a place with my Mom or the people I've known. I don't belong there any more, and I follow the wolves. I recall howling in the dream. It was probably during this time. The grey female becomes my new mother, and she teaches me all I need to know.

Another part of the dream occurs during a hunt. The female and I are in a meadow. We have been unable to catch anything for a couple days, and we are hungry. The female tells me to be quiet and patient. She tells me to listen to the grass and the plants around us. They would help us locate the pray. The Earth provides everything we need. A short while later, we are able to hear the grass moving because of hidden birds, and we eat well that day.

There are parts of this dream which are confusing. I don't understand the whole thing, but other parts seem very important. There are lessons to be remembered, and I believe it means some major changes might happen in my life soon.

Wolf Daughter
May 1, 2008

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

I was in the city, walking down the road, and people were staring at me. It was because four or five white wolves were following me. I came to a stop in a parking garage. Too many people were watching, and the wolves needed to leave. They turned and faded into the shadows. But one lingered.

I kneeled and beckoned to him. He slowly approached and allowed me to pet his neck. He said he had something to give me. I held out my hands, and a small pouch dropped from the wolf's mouth into them. He said I must not open the pouch. I needed to search for and find something else. He couldn't tell me anymore and disappeared.

So I walked through the city all night searching for something. I didn't know where I was going or why. I just had the pouch given to me by the white wolf. I finally climbed to the top of a building, and it seemed like a dead end. I didn't know where else to go. But there was a man there. It seemed like a strange place to find another person.

He asked what I was doing there. I said I was searching for something, and it seemed like I was lost. He offered to help me and asked if I had any clues or anything that might point the way. All I had was the pouch, and if I remember correctly, I let him see it after some hesitation. I believe I told him it couldn't be opened. The end of the dream is fuzzy. I'm not sure if this happened or not, but I think he told me not to be afraid. Then, we might have opened the pouch together.

I'm not sure what was inside. That I don't remember. But after thinking about it, maybe it contained some courage, hope, and trust. Or maybe we climbed down from the building and continued on the quest together. 
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The following poem is about the wolf spirit within and the watchful spirits of other wolves who have helped guide me through life. It is also about reaching a place, or state of mind, where I could accept what I was and stop denying.

"Dare to Follow"
I stand in a dream
That shows true reality.
The one I hide inside.
Colorless and cold.
A desolate place.
Containing only a weak heart,
A trapped spirit,
And a broken soul.
All stunted and barren.
Clouds filled only with torment and sorrow,
Raining memories full of regret.
Screams and cries are carried on the wind.
How do I escape?
Which direction?

Follow me.

A voice whispers at my side.
A calming presence
Stirring new life into my spirit
As I look up towards the horizon...
A wolf stands there, looking back at me.

Will you follow me?
Strength and courage will be tested.
Also your faith, loyalty, and love.
Beyond your past awaits the future!
Face all doubt and emptiness.
Conquer all fears.
I am here.

One step at a time, I follow my guide, leaving the pain behind...

Wolf Daughter
December 31, 2007
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

This journal entry marks the day that I was finally done with being a Christian. It also includes an in depth look into the development of my Therianthropy.

I had two friends. I suspected that the first one didn't believe me. We had an argument last week, and I was right. He doesn't believe people can have animal souls. The second friend believed me for a while. Then, he went overseas on a mission trip. He came back and doesn't believe me. "That's not the way God works," He told me. "I think you are lost and don't want to be found." It was late, and I didn't ask for a further explanation. He doesn't agree with my beliefs, but he did say he respects them. At least that's something.

The first friend acted as if he didn't even want to respect my beliefs. He didn't think I could be happy this way. Well, I told him I couldn't talk to him any more, and I waited for the feelings of loneliness and emptiness to tell me I'd done something wrong. Instead, I felt as if it should have happened long ago, as if he and I had been holding each other back from better possibilities. Now, I think I can move on and prepare for the next stage of my journey.

I'm not mad or angry at either of them. I still wish for their happiness and hope they are blessed in life. Yet, at the same time, I still ask myself some questions and examine some things from my own life again. It's not like I had problems in my life, found a group of people, and decided to be like them to hide or run away from my problems. That's not it at all.

It's true that my parents had problems and are divorced now. That could have made me change. But why change the way I did if I could have picked up the habits and stuff of my friends at school? No, I still wasn't like them either. The wolf came to me, gave me hope and comfort. I didn't believe at first. The wolf disappeared for a while, but it kept returning. I had dreams of the wolf, and it told me I could be happy. I started to accept the wolf as a part of me instead of taking the many other paths set before me. There were so many chances to be someone else, to be "normal," but I guess that wasn't truly me. I accepted the wolf and wanted to learn more. That's when I found others like me.

I guess I'm writing this, because I might be doubting a little. However, I don't think I could ever go back now. If I pushed the wolf away, rejected her, and tried to forget my soul and my beliefs to be more normal, I would be living a lie.

So what's worse - ending a friendship and being myself, or living a lie to please someone else? Does keeping my beliefs make me selfish? I try to imagine being like them, like other humans, ignorant of new possibilities, some never giving their spirits or souls a single thought. I try to see myself acting more like them to fit in, belong, have more friends, and possibly be popular.

But I feel something inside me cringe. It's afraid of those thoughts. I guess it's the wolf in me. She doesn't care about being popular, fitting in, or pleasing people who don't understand. She just wants the freedom to be true to herself and what she believes. And I believe that I'm quite capable of being happy the way I am. I think the more I embrace the wolf within, the stronger and more confident I will become. The wolf is my guide, and it is there to help me.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Usually at night when I lie still and quiet, I feel most of my body phantom-shift into a wolf. Arms become forelegs, fingers shorten into paws, legs shorten and feet also become paws. It’s becoming easy to feel a tail. Sometimes I feel it wag whenever I feel good or get excited about something. Sometimes when I’m sitting, my tail is curled around me so it won’t be sat on. I also feel ears at night. It’s harder to imagine or feel my face elongate, but on some occasions I can feel the powerful jaws and more teeth. It’s also a nice surprise to feel fur on most of my body too.

There was a time when mental shifts came unexpectedly and they were confusing. But now I believe or feel as if the wolf is almost constant. When I’m alone, I might shift deeper into the wolf. In other words, my actions and movements are more wolf-like, but I can’t stay that way all the time.

However, the last few nights, I’ve been shifting into something else. I tried to resist it. I thought I was only a wolf, but maybe I was wrong. My arms didn’t become thin wolf legs. They felt heavy, muscular, and bulky. I asked myself what animals are like that. Tigers, lions, and other large cats came to mind, but I don’t really feel feline. I might have a few small feline characteristics. There has been a pet cat in the family as long as I can remember, and I do mimic the current one at times. My Chinese zodiac is also the tiger, but I just don’t feel like it’s a major part of me. My Greek zodiac is Sagittarius. I do believe I have the horse as a spirit guide, but it’s not a constant either. The wolf is constant, always there, just under the surface.

So, the new feeling isn’t a cat. Then I thought about bears. They are large and heavy, especially grizzly bears. But that didn’t fit. Neither did black bears. They are smaller and the size didn’t seem right. I was about to give up and dismiss the feeling when polar bear came to mind. I’ve never felt like I had a bear as a spirit guide, and I never imagined having one as a major part of my being. I let the heavy, bulky sensation of front legs come again. My hands felt odd too, much bigger. I pictured a polar bear in my mind, lumbering across the snow. The way its front legs moved, muscular and thick, felt right this time. The large paws that helped it walk across the snow also fit. And the white of its fur seemed strangely accurate.

That was last night. Today, I considered it again. I know I need to research polar bears and their behavior. I also need to see if the feeling or shifts continue or get stronger. But as I was picturing the polar bear in my mind, the wolf came forward too. I saw the wolf’s face and polar bear’s face together, slightly transparent and on top of one another, as if the bear is now and equal part of me, and the wolf and bear have an understanding. They are there to work together.

I had been in a rut for a while. I felt like I wasn’t advancing or growing spiritually, but after thinking of the bear, I felt a lot better today. I was more active, energetic, alert, and awake. It felt good. Maybe it’s just the feel of fall in the air though. So I’ll keep thinking of the bear, and wait for more shifts. See what happens and how it makes me feel.  


Wolf Daughter
July 30, 2007

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Last night I had a dream about wolves. It’s been several hours since I had the dream. I don’t remember everything correctly, and I’m not sure of the exact order. Maybe I had two separate dreams.

In one part, I think I was at home. There was a large black wolf and a puppy, a very young wolf that was gray. I just remember watching the two wolves play, and for a little while I played with them. I believe the older wolf was teaching the young one. He might have been trying to teach me too. But I’m not sure what he was trying to teach us.

In the other part of the dream, I remember being in the woods. I was at an old camp where my dad hunts sometimes. Or maybe that’s where the dream-place reminds me of. I do remember thinking that dad was hunting. I was alone, outside on the porch. I heard coyotes yelping loudly and coming in my direction. I howled like a wolf to frighten them away. They still came though. The coyotes started to come through the woods. Then they were scared by something else and ran away. That’s when I heard other wolves howl. They came from the woods and played near me for a few minutes. As they began to drift back into the woods, I remembered that mom was walking alone. The sun was setting, and I was afraid the coyotes would attack her. The wolves sensed my fear, seemed to understand me, and quickly ran to find and protect her. The leader stayed a few moments longer, starring at me. I wasn’t afraid. His power reassured me and gave me comfort. Once I was calmer, he drifted into the lengthening shadows to follow the others. The dream ended as I caught sight of my mom, returning safely from her walk.

I woke up and thought about the leader’s stance, and the way he looked at me and how he made me feel. It’s as if he was telling me that he would protect me. His pack and all the wolves would always be there to help me. It was a wonderful feeling. During the dream I remained a human, but I think the wolves can sense other wolves on a spiritual level. 

Wolf Daughter
July 29, 2007

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

*Some mentions of God remain as I still considered myself a Christian when this was originally written.

It stormed this afternoon. The air is cool and crisp outside. I wish I could go outside and run, but I guess I won’t. I don’t have anyone to run with me. That’s really a terrible excuse though – not running because I’m lonely. A lot of wolves are running alone out there. They have to in order to survive. They keep going. And that’s what I plan to do, in my own way. I just hope it leads me to somewhere or something good in the future.


I really started writing this because I wanted to say I’ve been trying to understand my human emotions again. I guess no one will ever be able to understand what they feel or why. I’ve said this before, but it’s come up again. I wish I could live without my emotions. Without the complicated human ones anyway. Because I know wolves must have emotions of some kind, but I guess they would be geared towards survival, the pack, and accomplishing necessary things. I’m sure wolves don’t worry about events they can’t control. I’m sure they don’t have time to waste on imaginary problems or irrelevant things. They probably think only about what is beneficial to the pack. It must be a blessing to be a simple animal. But wolves aren’t really that simple, are they? They have very complex lives too. But somehow they still seem more pure and truly free. God, what have you done? What have you created and why? Did you really put a wolf soul in me?

Well, I said I wouldn’t doubt that any more. But why place a wolf soul in a human? Why trap something so wild, pure, and free inside such an insignificant shell? Maybe it was a mistake instead of planned. Some people say god doesn’t make mistakes, but what if death and rebirth are just random? What if everything is just random? There’s no order in the universe. The wolf in me says that’s silly. Not everything can be random. There is an order or a pattern.

The whole world breathes. Besides, I’m not the only one. Hundreds of people feel like they have an animal soul. I don’t think God or Mother Earth would make that many mistakes. God may have created the Earth and all planets, but I feel as if the Earth is alive. In a sense, she has a free will of her own. God may control some storms, but some are the will of the Earth itself. Forget scientific explanations. That’s just a safeguard. While scientists are busy with their theories, the true believers are people with stronger spiritual understanding. They are the ones searching for the real truth as they get closer to the Earth and God. Not that science is bad. It helps us in some ways, but it does a lot of harm too.

Anyway, that’s interesting to think about, but not really the other thing I wanted to talk about. How does a wolf soul live in a human body? How does it learn to adapt? How do I live a normal life without going insane? Well my life will never be normal, but there are everyday human tasks that must be performed. I’m getting through college classes alright, but I will need a job soon. The freedom that the wolf needs won’t be available any more. I will have less time for daydreaming and running through the snow in my mind. I’m already 20. The time has come to grow up and be more mature. I need to start shouldering more responsibility. I can’t be an adolescent puppy forever. Maybe if I were serious about writing. That could be my release for things outside of work. It’s what I’m doing now. But writing thoughts and problems doesn’t really get me anywhere. Does it? I need to write more of my daydreams as short stories. That might really help me be more creative.

Can I not stay on topic? Oh well, I’m just letting ideas flow. Back to being a wolf in a human world. It’s scary and depressing. Being alone doesn’t help, but I can’t do much about that problem. What we want isn’t always what we need. With that said, there are rules a wolf must follow. As if I haven’t written a lot already – this might take a while. Or maybe I will surprise myself and get to the point and make this short.

Physical contact is essential to the bonds in a wolf pack. Playing and mach fights are important. Grooming each other also reinforces bond between pack members. Is any of this possible in a human world? No. I could never bump into my friends or rub shoulders whenever I wanted. I have more male friends that female. A girl who plays with two or three guys at once will be considered a flirt and probably several other unwanted titles. And what of a female who shows another female that kind of attention? What would other humans see and think? Also, about the guys, they would see the attention as something it’s not, and they would probably get jealous of each other. So, physical contact must be kept to a minimum if unwanted human situations are to be avoided. That really confuses a wolf who understands that touch and play is vital.

Body language is rather complex for humans and wolves. Unfortunately, humans don’t even really understand what they are telling each other half the time. Signals get really mixed up and confused between humans. Wolves know exactly what they are saying with every muscle twitch and every sound. They are probably the world’s best communicators. But being part wolf and part human means I don’t always understand what other humans are saying. I have to be careful to not let any growls or snarls lose when I’m angry. Also, I think I’m a bit more animated with facial expressions than other humans, but I could be wrong about that.

I still wonder why I’m here. I still wonder why I feel like a wolf instead of a human. There are so many things I can’t explain. So many strange thoughts that I can’t grasp. And dreams of wolves. Hopes and wishes that surely, no normal human ever thinks of. Feelings that others probably never have. Internal confrontations between the wants of a human and the duty of a wolf. I don’t want to be here. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my true home. I wish I could run and run forever, until I found what I’m missing.

Or maybe I still haven’t fully awakened. Chief (family's pet wolfdog) woke me up once. For years, I wasn’t sure of what I was on the inside. Then, I realized I wasn’t alone. There are other wolf people in the world. So I’m more sure of my spiritual self. But I’m beginning to feel as if that’s holding me back. Maybe that’s not the right term. But my eyes are still closed. I can’t see completely yet. It’s like there is one final awakening that needs to take place. So I can finally become what I’m meant to be. Then I will understand my purpose. But what’s going to wake me up? How long will I continue to wait? What must I do?


Wolf Daughter

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

*Edited this entry a little. Some mentions of God remain as I still considered myself a Christian when this was originally written.

I just finished watching an animated movie titled The Last Unicorn. It is a wonderful story. Makes me cry sometimes, how the Unicorn is trapped in a human body and almost forgets her true form. And while she is human, the Unicorn learns what love is, and she learns regret.

I seem to understand this all too well myself. Maybe as a wolf in a previous life, I didn’t understand love the way humans do. I also didn’t know such great pain, anger, hatred, or sorrow either. But I would still rather be a wolf again, because I am afraid of loosing my true self and my beliefs to this human form and this human world. If I do have a wolf soul, this human body is just a cage. It hinders my freedom. But at the same time that my soul is attached to it, this body also does not feel real. It’s not truly part of me, and when it dies my soul will discard its cage and be free once more.

But last night as I rested in bed, this body suddenly seemed heavier. I felt more attached to it. I felt as if this human form is all I had ever been, and all I would ever be. It terrified me. I didn’t feel the wolf in me. The wolf was completely gone. I was nothing but a human, a physical being. There was no soul or spirit in me.

How long can I endure?
How long can I fight the pain I feel?
How much longer can I struggle to remain a wolf in this form, in this world?
Before I go mad?
Before I decide to give up and stop believing?
Before I become human?

And if I do give in to all these feelings and emotions, if I become a human in body and mind, there will be no soul or spirit. As a human, I won’t believe in anything. All I will know is the physical world, what I can touch, feel, and see with human senses. I will live in the darkness, blinded forever. When I die, there won’t be a Heaven or Hell. There won’t be anything because the human doesn’t care or believe in stuff like that. She will be too concerned with fitting in, having friends, dating, and living a normal life. Never knowing the truth. Just living, dying, and decaying into nothing.

But if I fight to remain a wolf, until the very last ounce of my strength and determination, what will happen? I guess I don’t really have any answers. But as long as I believe I have a wolf soul, I believe in something else. A better place. A better world, one that is reborn. As long as I remain a wolf, I have a small glimmer of hope.

A battle wages inside me constantly. I pray to God that it will end, that the wolf in me will show herself completely and truly. But sometimes I think He doesn’t hear my cries.

What will it take?
How much must I suffer?
How close must I come to falling before I am heard?
I don’t know.
Maybe we must all fall, repeatedly, to be saved.

I don’t know the answers. But I do know that the wolf in me still has strength to run, to fight.
And she continues on…
Searching….
Running….
Never wanting to stop…

Wolf Daughter

2007 
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 * The following was written many years ago when I still considered myself a Christian. However, this piece of writing can still be useful. It begs the question of why the majority of Christians do no take better care of the Earth and all of the creatures that their God created. That is one of the many reasons why I stopped being Christian.

God and the Power of Animals

The other day as I was watching my Mom’s cat Sapphire sleep on the floor it occurred to me that he might not be sleeping. And he might not be as lazy as he seems. Perhaps Sapphire is working hard to protect me and Mom from evil spirits and other things we can’t sense. Maybe all animals are here to protect us.

The next day as I watched the birds fly, I wondered if that’s how God watches everyone. He has the birds and other creatures, and possibly the Earth itself, tell Him what the humans are doing. These animals can probably even sense our emotions. They are messengers between God the Earth. The animals are also here to help us, if we let them. They can give us a great feeling of beauty, harmony, and peace. They can teach us and guide us. I believe the Native Americans understood this, and they had a strong respect for the animals and Mother Earth. And they were a blessed people, living as they did, alongside the animals and connected to the Earth.

The animals and Earth are mentioned so often in the Bible. God created them all, and all of them hear His commands.

And you shall not be afraid of the beasts of the earth. For you shall have a covenant with the stones of the field. And the beasts of the field shall be at peace with you.” Job 5:22-23

But now ask the beasts, and they will teach you; and the birds of the air, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you; and the fish of the sea will explain to you. Who among all those does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this. In whose hand is the life of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind?”
Job 12:7-10

There is so much more. The people then even believed that God commanded the thunder, spoke through it, commanded the lightning, and told the storms where to go. The evidence is there. Most humans just overlook it, because they don’t care about the birds, animals, the Earth, or how God said we should live beside them with more understanding.

Wolf Daughter

June 15, 2007

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