I find myself on a journey.
In an unfamiliar place on every level of existence.
Thrust here by events outside of my control.
Emotionally wavering between nothing and everything, mentally juggling emptiness, voids in thought and those times when thoughts fire so rapidly I can’t hold onto them all. Some ideas slip away never to be found again. Others remain and imbed themselves, never to leave. Physically cycling from restless energy to exhaustion. Moments when I feel like anything is possible to moments when each breath is surely my last. But I place one foot before the other. I do take another breath. I continue my journey.
A journey that every wolf takes, and if their trials can teach me anything, it is that all of my experiences are real. Every emotion, thought, and doubt is necessary.
I may not know where I am going or what my goal is, but I will discover it along the way…as I wander, at times seemingly without direction or purpose, sometimes looking over my shoulder at the past as I stray back into old habits, I find truth.
Without realizing it, certain ideas and beliefs attach themselves to my being, become part of me. As the journey goes on, these beliefs will manifest in my actions. I will act without thinking, guided by principles which have lodged themselves deep within my heart and soul.
And once I do realize what I am, what I truly believe, and my goal or purpose is clearly before me, I will be able to fight and die if necessary for what I hold dear, without any fear or regret.
So I am reminded that I am in the developmental stage of my journey. The end or conclusion, if there is one, lies far over a distant horizon that is not even within my sight…and won’t be for a long time.
One foot goes in front of the other…and sometimes I’m even running.
Events may happen along the way that threaten to break my spirit. Continuing may seem impossible, when some beliefs are shattered, faith crushed, and loyalty betrayed, but those things can be found again…but only if I keep going. There is no such thing as giving up. May that idea be permanent.
Even if I deny some truths for a while, the ones I need will repeat until I begin to accept new possibilities.
And what if I misinterpret the signs? How long could I waste time going in circles before I run out of time to learn the truth? What if I’m wrong and believe the lies instead of the truth? What if I become blind? How far can I stray and still be able to redeem myself? Is there a point at which a soul can no longer be reclaimed or saved from a darker path? .
But I said there was no giving up. There is no point at which forgiveness can not be obtained…from others and from within myself. Sometimes we must stray to learn lessons and find the truth.
So even through darkness and uncertainty, when I feel torn apart, I must not stop…even when I question every action and word, when everything is out of my control, and I feel like everything is wrong…I must not give up.
That is actually the point at which I could run the farthest, shine the brightest, and be the strongest and fiercest to show the world what I am and prove that I don’t lay down and die on command when things get hard.
And if I did find out that I was following only lies…what would I do? If everything was taken from me…what would I do?
Would my journey start over? Could I really keep moving forward? Or should I look back, shift through the past to find where I veered off course? Maybe the hardest trial is facing myself…breaking down all the barriers…making myself vulnerable in order to reach out… find hope…the tiniest grain of truth to lead me to a new beginning.
February 20, 2009