ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
First of all, I know that I'm human. I can't deny that. I'm thirty years old and do the 9-5 full time job as a graphic designer. Therianthropy is a personal identification as a non-human animal on an integral level. I'm a wolf-person. I'm physically a human, but sometimes in other ways, I'm a wolf.

Therianthropy is a deeper connection to myself. Before I go into details, I want to state that none of these sensations, emotions, behaviors, or experiences on their own make me a Therianthrope, but all of these combined together make up my being and my existence as wolf.

Being wolf is mimicking human behavior and daily tasks, such as knowing that I must go to work to eat and provide shelter for myself. I don't like being in the same place for 8 hours a day, but my current job, as a graphic designer and printer assistant actually keeps me busy and physically active. I think of a job as equivalent to needing to roam and hunt as a wolf. In a way, human life is easier and safer, yet I often long for the ruggedness and brutality of the wolf's life.

Mimicking human behavior often causes me to question why I'm performing a task. These human tasks, which should feel normal, often feel alien and strange to me.

I have anxiety about new things and experiences. Wolves are taught what is safe and what is not safe in the environment at an early age. New objects or animals that they haven't seen before cause a mixture of curiosity and cautiousness. This often happens to me. While humans can also experience similar anxiety, they see anxiety as a disorder. I recognize it as instinct, and part of my survival.

Along with anxiety comes some skittishness. I try to control my flinching and little jumps to sounds and sudden movement, but those reactions can't always be covered up. Yes, humans instinctively flinch too, but mine is usually accompanied by phantom canine ears rotating or laying flat against my head. Sometimes, I also feel the longer phantom hairs of hackles standing up and/or a tail bristling as well.

I must control wanting to snarl and growl at people as a way to tell them that I don't feel comfortable. Sometimes, I can't avoid my nose flaring and wrinkling and my brow furrowing. If possible, like any wolf, I will move away and give myself more distance from the person or thing that is suspicious that I do not like. In most cases, however, most humans don't cause that reaction.

I consider myself to be more aware of my surrounds and environment than most humans. I am always listening and looking around me, trying to be aware of changes and new people or objects that come within range around me.

Being wolf is why I can also be one with the silence. I can just be part of the world around me. I don’t always nee to be making noise or having an impact on my surroundings. Most humans on the other hand seem to have a need to constantly be hearing themselves or another human. A TV or music is always on in most homes. I can just sit in silence and observe and absorb my surroundings, usually while in nature, but this often occurs at the workplace as well. I just immerse myself in the hums of computers, the muffled voices of coworkers in other rooms, and their footsteps as they walk through the building. 

Wolf is also why I have patience. Put patience together with being able to sit calmly in silence and just be an observer is what causes the vulnerable member of the herd to reveal itself.

I have a strange knack for unintentionally sneaking up on people and scaring them. I am not particularly quiet or stealthy. Perhaps, these individuals are just distracted. But it still always amuses me. Does this have anything to do with being a wolf? I can't actually say for sure. Maybe it has something to do with unconsciously/instinctively knowing how to approach prey from an advantageous angle like a hunting wolf would. It crossed my mind, so I thought that I would include it. Perhaps other Therians experience this.

Sometimes, I do feel the urge to chase animals that I see like squirrels, rabbits, and deer. But I know that I don't have a chance of actually catching them with this human body, so those animals are usually left in peace.

It's common for people to get upset or moody when they are hungry. I also get this way. Get between me and food when I'm hungry, and I will still restrain myself from growling and biting you, but sometimes I do feel more aggressive around food, especially if I'm hungry.

I enjoy sleeping curled up, as much as human anatomy will allow me to. I wish I had a tail to cover my nose on cold winter nights.

I honestly need to keep something to chew on. I wish I had better options than gum. I don't like ingesting the chemicals and sugars. But it's probably the best option during work.

I find it hard to sit normally in chairs. I often sit on my legs or try to sit cross-legged. And I often find myself leaning forward, the way a dog leans forward to rest on its front paws while sitting. I often get uncomfortable with chairs or car seats touching my back. This makes me feel confined.

Not all of the time, but sometimes I have trouble with speech. I see images in my mind of what I need to tell people about or describe to them, but it's difficult to turn that image into words.

When I was young, my Mother would always tell me to put a hand over my mouth if I was yawning. That was the polite thing to do. I always thought it felt weird. I will unashamedly yawn and roll out my tongue in canine fashion when no one is watching.

I often complain about not having a body covered in fur. I can get cold easily and envy all fur-bearing creatures.

Smells are important to me. I seem to be more mindful of the changing smells around me than normal humans. The scent of my mate is special and important to me. I'll happily admit that I enjoy the smell of his sweat. There is nothing gross about it. There have been times in my life when I wished I could have gotten to know other people in my life by their smell. Recognizing people by their appearance is still important, but I also recognize people by the sound of their voice and their smell. I have to restrain myself from sniffing people around their necks and armpits. That's where the majority of human scent comes from.

Wolves like strong, putrid smells. I know that if I were a wolf, I'd enjoy rolling in carcasses and the urine of my pack so that I smell like them. I go through a strange internal struggle when I come across a horrid smell. The human part of me wants to hold my breath or gag and move away as quickly as possible. The wolf part of me wants to breath deeper and taken in the stench and examine it. I often get the urge to move closer to the source of the smell. I control these urges because finding the source of these smells and getting closer and being exposed to them probably would not be healthy for this human body. The human olfactory nerves are obviously nothing like that of a wolf's, so I wouldn't be able to gain any information from examining the smell any further. 

I wish my teeth were sharper, longer, and stronger. I wish my bite was more powerful. I wish I could crack open and chew on bones.

The previous statement about teeth leads me to food. I wish my body could handle digesting raw meats without getting sick.

I have always enjoyed the company of dogs. Of course, in the wild, wolves and dogs usually do not get along. As a human, I can't be with other wolves, but I can be with dogs. It works out. It's like a compromise.

I do not like to run heal to toe. This has never been natural to me. I've always run on the balls of my feet and my toes. I don't “fox walk” as often as I used to when younger, but sometimes I still do. Although, it's normal for humans to run toes first, a lot of other animals such as dog and cats, also use this motion.

( Interesting related articles: http://www.livescience.com/8053-running-shoes-changed-humans-run.html and http://www.livescience.com/6115-humans-walk-flat-footed.html )

It's the wolf in me that encourages me to stay active and healthy. Wolves can cover great distances. I'm no athlete, but I am also no stranger to long hikes or physically hard work. Wolf's needs to be healthy and ready to take on the challenges of day to day life. Unhealthy wolves die. I aim to survive. That's my mentality.

Wolf is in how I move throughout my day. Wishing I could twitch my ears and turn them towards sounds. It's how I stretch and shake my entire body when I feel the need to.

I do enjoy taking off the human mask and being outdoors in nature. As many fellow Therians have said before, being an animal-person gives us a different perspective on life. We understand the world differently.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I have hands that allow me to grasp objects more easily than paws. This allows me to do more.

I can draw, paint, be creative.

I love listening to music. I took piano lessons for many years, and appreciate the practice and dedication that it takes to be a good musician.

I can drive a car, which allows me to move faster than I'd be able to run as a human or a wolf.

I can understand how to read and write, and I enjoy these activities.

I enjoy sleeping on my bed, under blankets, and with pillows. Though, I've slept on the ground plenty of times while camping, and I don't mind that either.

I like being able to use technology, such as computers.

I also enjoy watching movies and playing video games.

I've enjoyed unique human activities such as martial arts, HEMA, and archery. Although I see martial arts and wrestling as not unlike wolves play fighting. It's the human equivalent and these activities have helped me express my instincts to fight in a safe and controlled environment.

I enjoy being able to cook food for myself. I have a wider variety of food available to me as a human.

I can have a dog and cat companion without seeing them as threats or food.

I love tea and have tried many varieties. I will drink herbal to black and anything in between.

I can eat chocolate as a human, which would make me sick if I were a canine.

As a human, I'm thankful that I don't need to lick myself clean. Toilet paper is nice. Though, you know, if I were a wolf, I wouldn't really care.

Hot showers and saunas are also amazing.

Hopefully, time permitting, there will be a list of things I don't like about being human. Maybe also a list of things I like/don't like about being a wolf Therianthrope or what I would like about being a wolf.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Wake up, Wolf.

Stretch your tired,
Stiff human muscles.
Let Spirit set them ablaze.
Wake up, Wolf.
Test the limits.
Spirit is stronger than Flesh.
More powerful than Mind.
Wake up, Wolf.
Flesh and Mind are malleable.
Heat them, shape them.
Spirit is eternal.
Howl, Wolf.

Copyright Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif August 19, 2016

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The first dream shift I experienced was many years ago, when I was beginning to realize that I had a wolf soul. I was standing on a beach, in my wolf form. I believe my coat was a dark gray, like the tumbling clouds above me. The wind blew in strong gusts, and it was wonderful to feel it go through my fur and move my tail. I felt all four of my legs and paws. I was a strong young wolf. I watched the waves crash onto the shore. I smelled the wet sand, the salt, and the storm out at sea, on the horizon. I began to run as fast as I could. The dream was very vivid and I felt the sand shift under my paws. My whole body moved with power and strength that I’ve never felt before. Then, I saw a man in front of me. I recognized my father, and I slowed to a trot. I tried to speak to him, but he didn’t understand me. He was afraid of me and attacked. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to defend myself. I ended up biting his arm and running away. Part of me felt sorry to leave him behind, but I kept running. I was free.


Wolf Daughter
April 10, 2007

Note: In 2013 I participated in Brooklyn Art Library's Sketchbook Project. I drew quick little illustrations of many dreams that I'd had over the years, including this dream about being a wolf on a beach. I will be adding more from the sketchbook to future blogs, but the full book can be viewed here: https://www.sketchbookproject.com/library/13260.


ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I want to share old writing that has never been shared before. I've gone through all of the old journals and poems and random stuff that I have access to, and I've found about 20-25 documents that I will be sharing in the weeks to come. I'm hoping that this helps give some insight into my personal journey as a wolf Therianthrope.

June 9, 2003

Do dreams mean anything? Are they just a way to get away from the world or do they hint at something? Clues for harsh reality? I don’t want to say they mean nothing, but I’m also afraid to say that dreams do have a meaning to our lives. I’ve been having a lot of them the last few nights. They are of everything. Werewolf chasing me. One that couldn’t be killed

June 19, 2003

The last day or two I’ve called myself a lone wolf. And I kinda like it.

Wednesday August 6, 2003 9:30 P.M.

Something has got to change. Home just isn’t the comfortable warm environment it’s supposed to be. I just want to be somewhere else a lot. I sometimes feel like I don’t belong here. But maybe a lot of teens feel that way. 

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I haven’t written for a year.

By the way, I’d still prefer to be a wolf more than a human. Even before I loved Chief (family's wolfdog), I loved wolves, now just more so. It’s helped me open my eyes and my mind. I see, feel, and react to things so differently from other people. I just seem to be very different from everyone around me.

Wednesday March 9, 2005 6:30 P.M.

I feel like I’ve driven away the wolf in me or destroyed part of her. I’m more human now than ever, and I’m not sure if I can heal this time. I think I still have a wolf soul or spirit in me. It’s very strong sometimes. But there are a lot of things in this human world trying to bring me down. 

Friday March 11, 2005

I’m hiding the wolf in me, because I know others won’t accept me. I need to change. I need to let the wolf out, so she can guide me through my life. I know my life would be a lot better if I set free the one within me. I would be even more connected to the Earth and the world around me. I think I know how to set her free, but the human in me is afraid of the wolf. My two halves haven’t found an understanding yet. They are unsure of each other. They don’t know how to work together, but I must find a way…

Thursday, June 16, 2005 12:19 A.M.

I’m trying to live the best way I know how. I might be a terrible human being, but there is also a wolf trapped within me, and that wolf is a beautiful, amazing creature. When I think about the wolf in me, I feel stronger. I could take on the whole world and accomplish whatever I wanted to. There is an unbreakable will in me and endless strength…if only I knew how to unleash it. If only I didn’t let this human life and human world get in my way. I just want to be free like any wolf. I want a simple life.

The wolf in me protects me from the cold cruel human world that I have no desire to be a part of.

Friday, August 25, 2006 12:40 A.M.

Does the wolf know? What lies deep within my soul? What secrets do I hide from myself? Perhaps, if I remain patient, a day will come when I know what I need to know. That’s all I can do. Wait. Be patient.

January 8th, 2007

Perhaps some things are not meant to be written. Perhaps I was afraid. Afraid of a new beginning? Afraid of all the possibilities? Afraid of hurting those I cared about? But mostly, I was afraid of myself. Some pages are missing, and a diary titled Forlorn Wolf is no longer, no more than a memory of the past. I don’t want to be afraid any more. I want to look deeper. I don’t want to be forlorn. I want to know who I am. I want to look inside and find some truth. I don’t want to keep fighting myself. I want to discover what I am. Why I’m here. For years, I’ve been dying. Today, I want to start living. I pray to the Great Spirit, my Creator, and I ask my Brother, a Wolf, to guide me.

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