No sooner had I thrown the first tiny piece, than a car came down the street and parked nearby. The lady who got out started on me immediately. “You’re causing trouble for the seniors who live in the building. They won’t be able to sit outside and enjoy themselves without being bothered by these birds now. You shouldn’t be feeding them. It’s inconsiderate.” Honestly, I’m at this building every Sunday morning, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone sitting outside. There aren’t any chairs. No one in this building has a lawn, porch, or balcony. The woman sounded like the typical person who sees any creature other than another human as a nuisance and a pest that should be eradicated.
I had continued to toss little pieces of doughnut all the while she was nagging me. The ravens ignored her too. I always think of good comebacks after the situation is over, but if I could, I would tell that woman that I was communing with my gods. This thought was a rebellion against her ignorance and anthropocentric view of the world. It was a rebellion against the self-defeating, intrusive thoughts that wanted to enter my mind along with her criticizing. If anything, that woman’s words strengthened the idea of the ravens being god-like. I understand that they are just wild creatures, but sharing a small pinch of doughnut was a rare and important moment for me. Afterwards, I felt a reverence for the ravens and the world around me. A couple trees, adorned in bright orange and yellow, caused me to be awestruck. I considered those trees and all trees around me to be gods.
Gods and spirits like offerings. People who follow major religions go to commune often, sometimes multiple times a week. I must also make time and take opportunities to connect with the spirits around me. I doubt that the ravens will bother anyone there. People who already have a bias against them will continue to complain every chance they get. The ravens won’t stay there all day every day waiting for handouts. Ravens move around during the day. Like I said, I won’t make a habit of feeding the animals. I know that wild animals who become habituated to people can cause a lot of harm. It usually ends up with the animals dying too. I certainly wouldn’t do something like leave out food hoping a bear came along. That would be foolish. I usually over-analyze stuff, and thought that sharing a piece of doughnut with the ravens once would not cause any harm.
Later in the day, while still feeling reverent towards the trees and the natural world around me, I thought of how delusional it is that humans think a god made them in its image. Would a god care about such things? Why would a god want to look like a hairless ape? Why would it not?
My gods shape-shift. They can be anything they choose to be, from a raven to a tree. Therefore, the natural world in all its glory should be respected, including all creatures. Christians and members of other religions are supposed to fear their gods. Why? I think it would be more sensible if humans remembered that they are supposed to have a fear of the powers of nature instead of a supernatural being. But fear isn’t the right word. Fear goes hand in hand with ignorance. Ignorance has caused humans to get the idea that the natural world can be enslaved, broken, ignored, and paved over. However, we are seeing consequences to that.
We need to stop praying to a god that we can’t interact with in the physical world. We do need to take responsibility for the damage that we are doing to the world around us. Humans need a relationship with what’s real. We stopped communing with the gods all around us that we can see and touch, but that needs to be reversed. Our ancestors didn’t have satellites and technology to tell them about the weather, but they could predict it just as well, if not better. They had a more intimate relationship with the world.
It’s time to start up conversations again. We need to form a better relationship with the earth again so that we respect its power. This planet is our Eden if we chose to restore it. This planet is our Heaven if we chose to make it so. In order to make that happen, we must drop the anthropocentric views and treat all life equally. After all, did not the gods of major religious supposedly create everything? Why would a god favor only one of its creations over all the others? Most humans need to start thinking differently. They might start to realize that they are no more or less important than anything else.
So, there’s an experience and ramble of the day—an odd bundle of my thoughts.
They want me to stay.
Their words held me back years ago,
Their words try to convince me now,
But the memories of this place are
Filled with Pain
Filled with Fear
Filled with Regret
I vowed not to endure again.
Everything threatens to trap me here.
And I don't deserve a second chance.
But my spirit beckoned me
To a distant place
Where I found a missing part of myself.
He wants me to live.
His words set me free each day,
His words call to me gently,
And new memories are forming
Filled with Happiness
Filled with Promises
Filled with Love
We vowed to protect forever.
Everything leads to freedom there.
And I have been given a second chance
To fix my mistakes
And not take Love for granted.
January 22, 2010
Walk softly and thanks for reading.
September 17, 2009
As the dream progressed, something happened and this amazing creature became sick. My efforts to give him good hay and food failed. I gripped his head and halter, desperately trying to make him swallow medicine. But nothing worked.
My family stands in the field on a sunny day, but I stand at a distance from them, alone and sad. The horse is gone. The field is empty. Then a man appears. I have never seen him before, and I don't know his name. If I recall correctly, his hair is dark brown. His jacket and clothing are more like that of a soldier, maybe from the 18th century, but it was definitely not modern. The man was calm and had gentle, caring eyes. He approached me and might have rested a hand on my arm or shoulder. Although he did not speak, he seemed to be communicating feelings to me, and he understood how I felt. However, I refused to be comforted at that time.
When the man moved away, he rested in the grass a short distance away. He motioned silently with a hand, asking me to come over to him. I was still standing, head held low with the burden of sadness and guilt at the horse's death. But I was growing tired. I finally lifted my head a little and glanced at the stranger in the grass, who was watching me with warm, un-judging eyes.
I slowly moved towards him. As I did, my pain and regret began to lift. With each step I felt better. My muscles, which had been tense and stiff, began to relax. I went down to my knees, felt the soft grass beneath my hands, and I rested my head on the man's chest. He put an arm around me, and I felt as if everything was okay. I felt as if all were forgiven. I closed my eyes. I felt comfortable and safe, and I fell asleep. My dream ended peacefully.
The horse in my dream was named Thunder. For many years he was a real friend to me. On December 17, 2008, I watched him die. It was a long and painful battle with colic. I can't imagine the pain Thunder felt. I admit, I still carry some sadness and guilt. I regret that I did not care for him more properly or give him more of my time and attention. But maybe there is no real reason to feel that way. Perhaps the man in my dream was Thunder in a human form, giving me comfort. I would like to believe this. The man did seem to have a strong connection to the grass and the earth. He was unafraid to be on the ground, and seemed very familiar with it and the grass. Also, the entire dream took place outside in the field that Thunder knew well.
It crosses my mind that the man could also be the wolf spirit that often appears in my dreams. He could have also taken human form to give me comfort after Thunder's death. But I don't think the man had the same type of energy that the wolf usually does. It felt different. I feel as if it's more likely that the man was the horse's spirit.
I also wonder why he was dressed in older clothing. It brings to mind a legend I might have heard a long time ago. I think it was about brave soldiers being reborn as horses in the next life. Perhaps the spirit learned and experienced what he needed to as a horse. After becoming aware of that, maybe the spirit returned in my dream to let me know that I shouldn't be sad any more. I can put some of my negative feelings and memories to rest. I hope that's true. I do feel as if I have another spirit and friend watching over me, and I am thankful for the pleasant ending of the dream.
March 29, 2009
February 20, 2009
October 18, 2008
October 12, 2008
August 19, 2008
July 19, 2008
July 16, 2008
Dream from June 22, 2008
I was standing in a sandy arena. Other soldiers were lined up on either side of me. A king sat at one end, towards my left. A ceremony was taking place in his honor. The setting seemed to be Medieval from the looks of clothing and armor. I was among the knights and warriors there to protect and serve the king.
The festivities continued as planned. The king ordered us to march in the arena. Men dressed in bright colors were probably clowns and performers. As the king became drunk, he ordered them to join our ranks and march too. He and the audience laughed and enjoyed themselves.
Until the situation changed. Spectators began to scream and scatter. Enemy soldiers rushed into the arena. They were clearly after the king, but we were alert and prepared. Swords were out in seconds and fighting erupted.
I was right in the middle of it, unafraid. Swords clashed and rang as soldiers grunted and yelled. The arena was also becoming dark. Late afternoon was upon us. Night was approaching, and there was a lot of dust in the air. I fought well. A couple enemies were quickly cut down. More took their place. I parried, spun, and killed another. I grappled with one soldier, threw him to the ground, and finished him.
As I stood and looked for my next opponent, a sword stabbed my chest. With one hand, I held the blade, preventing my attacker from pulling it away. With my sword in the other hand, I fought on fiercely. Soon, after two or three cuts, my foe was down. But I was bleeding, weakened, and stumbling.
I think it was also at this point that I started to feel the wolf within calling to me. My hand was still gripping the sword protruding from my chest. I gritted my teeth, pulled, and the blade slowly emerged, slick with blood. The pain buckled my knees. I fell back. The swords, released from my limp hands, landed beside me.
I remember feeling very much like a wolf during the dream, almost as if I was transformed. A wolf might have also come to watch over me. This most likely happened as I lay on the ground in pain, feeling my breaths get slow and labored as I died.
I saw the fight continue, but it was almost over. There were very few soldiers remaining. The arena was must darker. I felt sand under my cheek and hands. Dead bodies were all around me. As my eyes closed, the feeling of being a wolf was the strongest. I think it is the wolf spirit that would not give up or die. My life was not meant to end there.
I don't know how long I slept or was unconscious. Perhaps it was for centuries. As I opened my eyes, I found myself in a modern setting. To be more specific, I was on the floor of my grandmother's house. I was still in some pain. Slowly, I moved stiff, aching muscles and sat up. A sword was also on the floor, within reach. It frightened me. I looked down at my shirt. There was no blood or hole in the fabric. But when I stretched the collar down, a healing white scar was on my chest.
I carefully stood. I heard my grandmother coming into the house, snatched up the sword, and found a place to hide it. The dream ended there.
The pain and being stabbed had seemed very realistic. Upon waking, I did look at my chest. No white scar, but there is a red rash where one had not been yesterday. Maybe I was bitten by a mosquitoe or something in the night as I slept, causing my mind to fabricate my death. Or maybe it's something more. The mind is powerful, and sometimes what we imagine does have small physical effects on the body. Of course, I can't know for sure. I just try to think of multiple possibilities.
I do believe that this dream is a sign of the strong wolf spirit within. Even when our physical bodies die, the soul remains.
"There is no death. Only a change of worlds." - Chief Seattle, Dwamish Tribe
I was in the city, walking down the road, and people were staring at me. It was because four or five white wolves were following me. I came to a stop in a parking garage. Too many people were watching, and the wolves needed to leave. They turned and faded into the shadows. But one lingered.
I kneeled and beckoned to him. He slowly approached and allowed me to pet his neck. He said he had something to give me. I held out my hands, and a small pouch dropped from the wolf's mouth into them. He said I must not open the pouch. I needed to search for and find something else. He couldn't tell me anymore and disappeared.
So I walked through the city all night searching for something. I didn't know where I was going or why. I just had the pouch given to me by the white wolf. I finally climbed to the top of a building, and it seemed like a dead end. I didn't know where else to go. But there was a man there. It seemed like a strange place to find another person.
He asked what I was doing there. I said I was searching for something, and it seemed like I was lost. He offered to help me and asked if I had any clues or anything that might point the way. All I had was the pouch, and if I remember correctly, I let him see it after some hesitation. I believe I told him it couldn't be opened. The end of the dream is fuzzy. I'm not sure if this happened or not, but I think he told me not to be afraid. Then, we might have opened the pouch together.
December 31, 2007
Last night I had a dream about wolves. It’s been several hours since I had the dream. I don’t remember everything correctly, and I’m not sure of the exact order. Maybe I had two separate dreams.
In one part, I think I was at home. There was a large black wolf and a puppy, a very young wolf that was gray. I just remember watching the two wolves play, and for a little while I played with them. I believe the older wolf was teaching the young one. He might have been trying to teach me too. But I’m not sure what he was trying to teach us.
In the other part of the dream, I remember being in the woods. I was at an old camp where my dad hunts sometimes. Or maybe that’s where the dream-place reminds me of. I do remember thinking that dad was hunting. I was alone, outside on the porch. I heard coyotes yelping loudly and coming in my direction. I howled like a wolf to frighten them away. They still came though. The coyotes started to come through the woods. Then they were scared by something else and ran away. That’s when I heard other wolves howl. They came from the woods and played near me for a few minutes. As they began to drift back into the woods, I remembered that mom was walking alone. The sun was setting, and I was afraid the coyotes would attack her. The wolves sensed my fear, seemed to understand me, and quickly ran to find and protect her. The leader stayed a few moments longer, starring at me. I wasn’t afraid. His power reassured me and gave me comfort. Once I was calmer, he drifted into the lengthening shadows to follow the others. The dream ended as I caught sight of my mom, returning safely from her walk.
I woke up and thought about the leader’s stance, and the way he looked at me and how he made me feel. It’s as if he was telling me that he would protect me. His pack and all the wolves would always be there to help me. It was a wonderful feeling. During the dream I remained a human, but I think the wolves can sense other wolves on a spiritual level.
July 29, 2007
*Edited this entry a little. Some mentions of God remain as I still considered myself a Christian when this was originally written.
I just finished watching an animated movie titled The Last Unicorn. It is a wonderful story. Makes me cry sometimes, how the Unicorn is trapped in a human body and almost forgets her true form. And while she is human, the Unicorn learns what love is, and she learns regret.
I seem to understand this all too well myself. Maybe as a wolf in a previous life, I didn’t understand love the way humans do. I also didn’t know such great pain, anger, hatred, or sorrow either. But I would still rather be a wolf again, because I am afraid of loosing my true self and my beliefs to this human form and this human world. If I do have a wolf soul, this human body is just a cage. It hinders my freedom. But at the same time that my soul is attached to it, this body also does not feel real. It’s not truly part of me, and when it dies my soul will discard its cage and be free once more.
But last night as I rested in bed, this body suddenly seemed heavier. I felt more attached to it. I felt as if this human form is all I had ever been, and all I would ever be. It terrified me. I didn’t feel the wolf in me. The wolf was completely gone. I was nothing but a human, a physical being. There was no soul or spirit in me.
How long can I endure?
How long can I fight the pain I feel?
How much longer can I struggle to remain a wolf in this form, in this world?
Before I go mad?
Before I decide to give up and stop believing?
Before I become human?
And if I do give in to all these feelings and emotions, if I become a human in body and mind, there will be no soul or spirit. As a human, I won’t believe in anything. All I will know is the physical world, what I can touch, feel, and see with human senses. I will live in the darkness, blinded forever. When I die, there won’t be a Heaven or Hell. There won’t be anything because the human doesn’t care or believe in stuff like that. She will be too concerned with fitting in, having friends, dating, and living a normal life. Never knowing the truth. Just living, dying, and decaying into nothing.
But if I fight to remain a wolf, until the very last ounce of my strength and determination, what will happen? I guess I don’t really have any answers. But as long as I believe I have a wolf soul, I believe in something else. A better place. A better world, one that is reborn. As long as I remain a wolf, I have a small glimmer of hope.
A battle wages inside me constantly. I pray to God that it will end, that the wolf in me will show herself completely and truly. But sometimes I think He doesn’t hear my cries.
What will it take?
How much must I suffer?
How close must I come to falling before I am heard?
I don’t know.
Maybe we must all fall, repeatedly, to be saved.
I don’t know the answers. But I do know that the wolf in me still has strength to run, to fight.
And she continues on…
Never wanting to stop…
The other day as I was watching my Mom’s cat Sapphire sleep on the floor it occurred to me that he might not be sleeping. And he might not be as lazy as he seems. Perhaps Sapphire is working hard to protect me and Mom from evil spirits and other things we can’t sense. Maybe all animals are here to protect us.
The next day as I watched the birds fly, I wondered if that’s how God watches everyone. He has the birds and other creatures, and possibly the Earth itself, tell Him what the humans are doing. These animals can probably even sense our emotions. They are messengers between God the Earth. The animals are also here to help us, if we let them. They can give us a great feeling of beauty, harmony, and peace. They can teach us and guide us. I believe the Native Americans understood this, and they had a strong respect for the animals and Mother Earth. And they were a blessed people, living as they did, alongside the animals and connected to the Earth.
The animals and Earth are mentioned so often in the Bible. God created them all, and all of them hear His commands.
“And you shall not be afraid of the beasts of the earth. For you shall have a covenant with the stones of the field. And the beasts of the field shall be at peace with you.” Job 5:22-23
“But now ask the beasts, and they will teach you; and the birds of the air, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you; and the fish of the sea will explain to you. Who among all those does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this. In whose hand is the life of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind?”
There is so much more. The people then even believed that God commanded the thunder, spoke through it, commanded the lightning, and told the storms where to go. The evidence is there. Most humans just overlook it, because they don’t care about the birds, animals, the Earth, or how God said we should live beside them with more understanding.
Mother Earth is always there for us. Willing to embrace us, teach us, and guide us in troubled times. She is kind and patient in Her ways. I realize now that I have much to learn from Her.
My journey has been difficult. I have come a long way, but that does not mean I can stop and rest. More than ever, I must keep going, striving to find harmony, calmness, and peace. I feel that with this Spring, I have awakened as a new person. I have left the darkness behind and found some light. I have found something good and beautiful in life. Finally, I have reconnected with the Earth, a thing that is vital to happiness.
This Spring, the scent of Wisteria and Honeysuckle has filled my being with delight. The sight of these blossoms, one a soft lavender, the other of purest white and golden yellow, is miraculous to me. And today, after years of not being close to Mother Earth, she welcomed me back with a taste of nectar. From the Honeysuckle came a single crystal clear drop of life, which has started to heal my body and soul. I am thankful for this gift of nectar, and I pray that I never forget Mother Earth again. My wish is to grow closer to Her and to continue on this new path.
April 19, 2007