ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

On Saturday, May 20, 2017 my mate and I found ourselves lost in North Dakota. We were in the right city, and close to our destination, but we couldn't find the correct apartment. We do not carry a cell phone for various reasons, but we did have a laptop. We found wifi and sent our contact a message. Soon, we were located and rescued by Wolfmage who led us to his home.

A Feast and Games

Shortly afterwards, we met up with Russian and his partner at their place. They had an extraordinary amount of food prepare for us. Pork tenderloin, and a whole chicken cooked to perfection in Russian's smoker. There was also biscuits and baked potatoes. Bax and I were weary and hungry from our 8 hour drive. I didn't have the mind to take photos of all of this delicious food, but it still won't be forgotten.

We played “Exploding Kittens” and “Cards Against Humanity”. I'd never played “Exploding Kittens” before, but I had beginner's luck. I actually won. I was so distracted by the games and my new surroundings that I almost missed out on my first tasting of the famous drink that Wolfmage had been telling us about. But I stole my mate's glass. More about that in a moment.

Wolf Therians Hunt for Breakfast

On Sunday morning, Wolfmage, Bax, and I went to both an IHOP and a Perkins, but the wait was very long at both. Rather than deal with the crowds, I volunteered to cook breakfast. So, next was a trip to a grocery store where Wolfmage bought bacon, biscuits, eggs, and sausage. I enjoyed cooking, and we we all had an awesome breakfast. The bacon was thick-cut! We just chilled for a while until Russian was available to meet us at our next location.

Mead Tasting

The sweet golden liquid flowed genially from the prairie rose and in many tantalizing flavours. Mead is older than beer. It's an ancient drink made of honey, water, and yeast. Other fruits and spices can be added for flavor during the fermentation process.

There is often discussion about how Therianthropy and alcohol do not mix. I used to think that when younger, but I'm wiser now. Like everything else about Therianthropy, that depends on the individual. Sometimes, I feel more shifted or shift easier when intoxicated, but other times it has no affect.

After purchasing a few samples of flavors and a tour around the facility, the owner of the meadery decided to keep handing us sample of flavors that we had not tried. The first samples had been small shot-glasses - ginger, star anise, pineapple chipolte, mint, and more. The free samples were full-sized wine glasses - plum, cherry, and raspberry. I left there drunk for sure. But mead is a good kind of drunk. It's warm and relaxing. Mead is friendly and inviting. It's also the drink of the Gods. Bax and I purchased a bottle of Traditional, Vanilla Cinnamon, and Chocolate Orange. I think most alcoholic drinks that are chocolate flavoured are disgusting. This mead was perfection.

Interview

Now that we'd all had some alcohol to loosen the nerves and stifle the inhibitions, we recorded the video for the Therian Nation interview. That's available on Youtube.

Food, Dessert, and More Drinks!

It was into the afternoon now, and time for dinner. We chose a Mongolian buffet to eat at. It was interesting to watch my food be grilled, though I did not add enough sauce to my noodles. It was still tasty though.

Russian and his partner insisted that we go to a nearby Irish Pub for the dessert. I'm so glad they did. I won't forget that bread pudding with whisky sauce or the Irish Cream Cake for some time yet. Both were absolutely amazing! There was more Therianthropy chat. The atmosphere of the pub was nice, and I couldn't resist trying their pear cider. It was nice and refreshing.

Sadly, we needed to part ways with Russian and his partner. We enjoyed Wolfmage's company another night before leaving early in the morning. It was a good Howl. I've accomplished a couple goals on this trip. I've met other Therianthropes in person and I was also allowed to interview them. Thanks for all of the wonderful memories, Wolfmage and Russian!

Wolf Human

Jun. 8th, 2017 11:11 pm
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Wolf Human

Innate and ingrained within is an essence that can not be denied. It can be hidden behind a human mask, but it can not be forced away or destroyed lest I destroy myself.

Those outside looking in may hate and fear because of the unknown. Sometimes, I am frightened too. Yet, I am also empowered by the mystery that I carry. I exist. I am real.

Therianthropy is looking outward at a wolf and seeing familiarity where other humans do not. Therianthropy is looking inward to see the wolf within. It is being aware that I am between worlds, unable to deny the wolf and unable to deny the human aspects of life.

Therianthropy is balancing the civilized routine with a spark of untamed wildness. Tempering the bestial instinct with human intelligence. I am a wolf with a human mind and body. A human with the mind and spirit of a wolf. I am a Wolf Therianthrope.

© Ulfrvif June 2017

Note: There is an artsy audio video of this available on Youtube.
https://youtu.be/M9I8AV8Ptmg

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

I am back home from a small private Howl that took place this past weekend. For those that may not know the term, a howl just means a meeting or gathering of Therians in person, in real life. Bax and I traveled to North Dakota to meet two other Wolf Therians there. One actually traveled from Minnesota to meet us. There will hopefully be a more detailed blog later after I process and write down all of my thoughts. I did take some photos, and I recorded a video interview for Therian Nation. However, I want to get an okay to share the photos first. I also need permission to share the final cut and edited version of the video interview before it can go public. I will let everyone know about the progress of that in a couple weeks. Hopefully, it won’t take me any longer than that to put the final video together. 

*Howls*

Ulfrvif 
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

While wolves are good at hunting, they will not pass up the opportunity for an easy meal. They are also scavengers. Every other day, I must resist the temptation to sneak away with unguarded food from coworkers’ desks. I never look in the fridge because it might be too much to handle. I will confess that I gave in today. A large bag of fruit gummies was left unattended. The owner will never miss that handful of sweet fruit-shaped candy. If someone has left open a bag of Cheetos or chips, a couple of those are definitely snatched.

This mischievous, instinctual urge will hit me even if I’m not hungry. It’s the primal thought and supposition of the joy that I would get from being stealthy and leaving a coworker confused about where the remainder of their bagel went. They might even ask themselves if they ate it and didn’t remember eating it. Of course, I restrain myself. Most of the time I’m a decent human being who follows the unwritten rules of being human. I also consider the risk of becoming sick from eating after a strange person that I have never had contact with before.

Maybe this is normal human behavior? I’m not exactly sure. Let me know what you think. If you feel like sharing, let me know if you do this too and share your scavenging experiences.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

A few weeks ago, while visiting family, my Mom gave me a set of stone gaucamole bowls. There is a large bowl, two small bowls, and a pestle. I might eat guacamole once or twice a year, but I took them because they could also be decorative.

For a few months, I have been looking for an alternative to an abalone shell for smudging. It just didn’t feel right to me. I’d actually been waiting to come across a river stone that had an curved eroded area on it. I went looking around a couple of the spiritual/pagan shops today and suddenly realized what I had. The small granite guacamole bowls are perfect for smudging! They fit in my hand and are not too heavy. It worked really well too.

I don’t think this is just a random coincidence. As I am gaining knowledge of the Shamanic and spiritually related kind, needed materials seem to be finding their way to me.

Ulfrvif/Wolf Daughter
March 7, 2017

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I have hands that allow me to grasp objects more easily than paws. This allows me to do more.

I can draw, paint, be creative.

I love listening to music. I took piano lessons for many years, and appreciate the practice and dedication that it takes to be a good musician.

I can drive a car, which allows me to move faster than I'd be able to run as a human or a wolf.

I can understand how to read and write, and I enjoy these activities.

I enjoy sleeping on my bed, under blankets, and with pillows. Though, I've slept on the ground plenty of times while camping, and I don't mind that either.

I like being able to use technology, such as computers.

I also enjoy watching movies and playing video games.

I've enjoyed unique human activities such as martial arts, HEMA, and archery. Although I see martial arts and wrestling as not unlike wolves play fighting. It's the human equivalent and these activities have helped me express my instincts to fight in a safe and controlled environment.

I enjoy being able to cook food for myself. I have a wider variety of food available to me as a human.

I can have a dog and cat companion without seeing them as threats or food.

I love tea and have tried many varieties. I will drink herbal to black and anything in between.

I can eat chocolate as a human, which would make me sick if I were a canine.

As a human, I'm thankful that I don't need to lick myself clean. Toilet paper is nice. Though, you know, if I were a wolf, I wouldn't really care.

Hot showers and saunas are also amazing.

Hopefully, time permitting, there will be a list of things I don't like about being human. Maybe also a list of things I like/don't like about being a wolf Therianthrope or what I would like about being a wolf.

The Cave

Aug. 19th, 2008 11:10 pm
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
My dream from last night still has me wondering about all the symbolism and meaning that was possibly included. It is a dream that I will think about often in the days, weeks, and possibly months to come.

I don't remember all of the dream. The first half is unclear or forgotten. I know I was in a Native American village. An elder or shaman was guiding me through the village. He pointed out objects, herbs, and other things which were important as we walked. I might have met several people, but I only remember the warrior. After we had met, he began to follow the shaman and me.

The day was sunny with a few clouds, and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the nearby oak trees. The seasons were changing, like they are now, and fall was approaching.

The shaman led me and the warrior to a river. A canoe waited there for us. The warrior stepped in first and took up a paddle. It was his duty to ensure my safe journey. I also got into the canoe, but the shaman was not going with us. He pointed at a cave nearby that went deep into the opposite bank. 

The shaman said, "To understand the meaning of life and to know your true self, you must first die and be reborn. You must go there and face your fears."

The warrior began to paddle across the river towards the cave. As we entered and the light faded, the dream came to an end.

I don't think the shaman was refering to an actual death. Entering the cave is more likely symbolic, like a vision quest. It is a time of reflection. I agree with the shaman that I have fears which I need to face. They are holding me back and keeping me from having as fulfilled a life as possible. Some little fears are faced each and every day. But I know of some larger fears that will come later in the future. They all have a proper time at which I will need to confront them.

Wolf Daughter 
August 19, 2008

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The shrill sound of a hawk's call woke me up today. For many hours its cry periodically filled the air. Each time, my heart beat a little faster as if with anticipation of the Unknown. The hawk's voice was moving and powerful, but I went outside and also watched the bird of prey circle above the trees. It moved so easily and gracefully in the wind. Its freedom inspired my spirit, and I felt elation at the sight of the effortless glide. As I stood there, I noticed the hawk's wing movements changing.

A special display was about to be performed. The hawk folded its wings close to its body, remained suspended for a blink of the eye, and began to free fall. As the dive began, my heart raced with the hawk in a flood of joy and adrenaline. I almost couldn't believe I was witness to this beautiful act of nature as the hawk transformed into a plummeting white speck as its feathers reflected the afternoon sun.

I wondered what it would be like. Did the hawk understand that the dive could be the difference between life and death as it aimed for a potential meal? The precise, instinctual movements of the hawk were amazing to watch. I have glimpsed this sacred event and feel blessed. This day has been a blessing, and I am thankful.

As a totem the hawk symbolizes power, magic, and it serves as a messenger between this world and the spirit realm. It holds the key to a higher level of consciousness. The hawk awakens vision and inspires a creative life purpose. It reflects a greater intensity of energy within life: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual forces.

The shrillness of Hawk's call pierces the state of unawareness and asks us to seek the truth.

Hawk tells us to remember that all gifts are equal in the eyes of the Great Spirit.

Wolf Daughter
July 16, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 This dream was a series of events. There were jumps and and skips in the dream, but I believe it was all linked together. I’m not exactly sure in what order things happened, so I will try to remember what I can.

A middled-aged man and woman are looking for someone or something. They talked to other people, asking for directions. This couple had a younger woman with them, and I believe she was me. I am the woman because I see from her point of view. We eventually find a couple men to help us. We are in a vehicle when we come to a shopping center. The lights are going off. The store is closing, and people are scurrying to purchase food. Others are stealing it and running away. The men helping us also steal some food.

Maybe I should go backwards though. I remember a part of the dream where I’m in a dim room like a bar, except it’s mostly empty. There is one counter where a couple guards sit. I’m at a lone table, sitting and coloring a drawing. I have a backpack next to me. At the back of the room, I sense another person. He is completely in shadow. I can’t see him, but I don’t like how he makes me feel. I know he is watching me. I start to feel like it is time to leave. I believe I entered the place willingly, but I could be wrong. It’s also possible that I was being held captive, because I sneak out during a disturbance. The guards go outside to check on something they have seen on surveillance cameras.

Maybe at this point, the older lady and gentleman help me. It’s also at this point that I begin to realize something bad is happening. There is like a war starting, and we look for a safer place to stay.

The man leads us to a house, and he talks to a guard there, convincing him that we are friends of the master or owner of the house. This new man is strange in a way, but he is also kind. I think he is actually someone quite powerful, like a magician or wizard, but those aren’t really the best words to describe him. He always has plenty of food. The chocolate pasteries are my favorites. The oddest and most noticeble thing is the interior of the house. It is all shades of blue. The painter, as I will now call him, continuously repaints the rooms of the house. The shades of blue are the most beautiful, painted in intricate, expressive patterns.

One day as I watch him paint, I ask him why he only uses blue. He says it is because he is poor. That is the only color he can buy, or it is the only color people don’t use often. I tell him that one day, I will buy him more colors. He simply nods and smiles. I think I begin to fall in love with the painter of few words. After being in the house for a while, I begin to understand that he is creating a protective barrier by constantly changing the rooms. All the symbols and patterns he paints change the energy in and around the house. He is keeping us hidden.
Something goes wrong though. The dream does not end peacefully. One day, soldiers find the house. 

The painter tells the older couple and me that it’s not safe any more. The house seems to crumble around us. I remember being on cliffs over a waterfall. The cliffs were breaking apart too because the soldiers were attacking. Then, beautiful, calming music filled my ears. It penetrated my spirit and lifted me upward. I transformed into a bird. I didn’t really have a physical body. I was spirit. I was soaring and flying away from the danger. It was one of the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. It was like flying through a rainbow. I was free! But not for very long. The painter had probably put the spell on me and the couple so we could escape. I did fly for a long distance, but when I turned to fly into space, a voice told me I couldn’t go that far. I had to return.

It’s as if I blinked, and I was flying above the desert. Red mesas and cliffs passed by below me. I was back in my human body. I think the older couple was flying too, but the painter wasn’t there. Someone else had taken his place.

Below, I saw more soldiers on horses. The horses were able to run and jump almost vertically across the mesas and cliffs. They were clearly chasing us. At this point, I understand that some person was trying to take control of the land. In order to accomplish that goal, he needed to find and destroy the powerful protectors of the land. Again, they are similar to wizards. They are strong and use some form of magic and energy manipulation.

I blink again. I’m sitting in a room beside a powerful, dark man. He seems to be cloaked in shadow like a dark silhouette. But I’m not afraid of him. I think I’m actually glad to be there. But I’m also feeling guilty. By being there, I have put this man at risk. The person trying to conquer the land has found this shadowed man’s hidden fortress. He is using his energy to keep us safe, but the soldiers are breaking through his defenses. The rooms shake. I see the older couple there too, across the room. They have done their best and protected me as long as they could, but they can’t do anything against the combined strength of all the soldiers. 

My new protector, the stranger beisde me, has his arm tightly around me. I feel tired and my head is on his shoulder. I’m causing him to be in danger. His face comes close to mine. A hood he wears puts me in shadow too. He holds a device that shows the remaining strength of the defenses around the fortress. The number of green bars decreas as explosions cause more shaking damage.

We don’t have much time he says in a deep, calm voice. The soldiers are coming soon, but he seems unafraid while I tremble. But I could be trembling because he is closer to me now. He puts away the useless device he had to monitor the fortress. His hand clasps mine. Our lips almost touch.

But I still feel guilty for leading the soldiers to this man. I turn to a window and look down on the struggling soldiers. The magic, though weakened, is killing many of them. Horses leap away screaming and rider-less down the red mesa cliffs.

The man is silently, patiently watching me. I face him, and he leans in toward me. Our lips touch tentatively at first. Soon, he is hugging and kissing me strongly.

The soldiers are approaching. The fortress is almost defenseless. Yet this strange man seems unworried. I don’t know what he has planned, but giving up and being captured clearly isn’t part of that plan. Unfortunately, I don’t know what happens next. That’s where I woke up, with intense kisses slowly fading from my lips.

Looking back, I feel like the painter and the mysterious man, dressed in the deepest black and masked in shadow were possibly the same person. Being a painter was possibly a disguise, and the other form showed this man’s true power and determination. It was clear that he is capable of affection and caring for me. However, there was something sad about him. It seemed like I was the only person who ever understood him or accept him for his powers and how he truly was as a person. I also don’t know why I needed the protection, but maybe the tyrant trying to conquer the land knew I was this other man’s love or that he cared deeply for me. Maybe that’s why he was sad and also guilty. His power and resposibility to fight and defend the land had put me in danger.

I could probably some up with some other therories, but I honestly don’t know for sure. It was just a dream. But it was a dream I kind of wish was real. I kind of wish I could have stayed and died beside this man, but maybe I should be careful what I wish for.

*heavy sigh* 

Maybe in some alternate universe that powerful shadowed man is fighting an epic battle. I wish him a glorious victory. Maybe he will come find me one day...


Yeah...Back to reality. I have class work to finish.


Sweet Dreams

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I want to share old writing that has never been shared before. I've gone through all of the old journals and poems and random stuff that I have access to, and I've found about 20-25 documents that I will be sharing in the weeks to come. I'm hoping that this helps give some insight into my personal journey as a wolf Therianthrope.

June 9, 2003

Do dreams mean anything? Are they just a way to get away from the world or do they hint at something? Clues for harsh reality? I don’t want to say they mean nothing, but I’m also afraid to say that dreams do have a meaning to our lives. I’ve been having a lot of them the last few nights. They are of everything. Werewolf chasing me. One that couldn’t be killed

June 19, 2003

The last day or two I’ve called myself a lone wolf. And I kinda like it.

Wednesday August 6, 2003 9:30 P.M.

Something has got to change. Home just isn’t the comfortable warm environment it’s supposed to be. I just want to be somewhere else a lot. I sometimes feel like I don’t belong here. But maybe a lot of teens feel that way. 

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I haven’t written for a year.

By the way, I’d still prefer to be a wolf more than a human. Even before I loved Chief (family's wolfdog), I loved wolves, now just more so. It’s helped me open my eyes and my mind. I see, feel, and react to things so differently from other people. I just seem to be very different from everyone around me.

Wednesday March 9, 2005 6:30 P.M.

I feel like I’ve driven away the wolf in me or destroyed part of her. I’m more human now than ever, and I’m not sure if I can heal this time. I think I still have a wolf soul or spirit in me. It’s very strong sometimes. But there are a lot of things in this human world trying to bring me down. 

Friday March 11, 2005

I’m hiding the wolf in me, because I know others won’t accept me. I need to change. I need to let the wolf out, so she can guide me through my life. I know my life would be a lot better if I set free the one within me. I would be even more connected to the Earth and the world around me. I think I know how to set her free, but the human in me is afraid of the wolf. My two halves haven’t found an understanding yet. They are unsure of each other. They don’t know how to work together, but I must find a way…

Thursday, June 16, 2005 12:19 A.M.

I’m trying to live the best way I know how. I might be a terrible human being, but there is also a wolf trapped within me, and that wolf is a beautiful, amazing creature. When I think about the wolf in me, I feel stronger. I could take on the whole world and accomplish whatever I wanted to. There is an unbreakable will in me and endless strength…if only I knew how to unleash it. If only I didn’t let this human life and human world get in my way. I just want to be free like any wolf. I want a simple life.

The wolf in me protects me from the cold cruel human world that I have no desire to be a part of.

Friday, August 25, 2006 12:40 A.M.

Does the wolf know? What lies deep within my soul? What secrets do I hide from myself? Perhaps, if I remain patient, a day will come when I know what I need to know. That’s all I can do. Wait. Be patient.

January 8th, 2007

Perhaps some things are not meant to be written. Perhaps I was afraid. Afraid of a new beginning? Afraid of all the possibilities? Afraid of hurting those I cared about? But mostly, I was afraid of myself. Some pages are missing, and a diary titled Forlorn Wolf is no longer, no more than a memory of the past. I don’t want to be afraid any more. I want to look deeper. I don’t want to be forlorn. I want to know who I am. I want to look inside and find some truth. I don’t want to keep fighting myself. I want to discover what I am. Why I’m here. For years, I’ve been dying. Today, I want to start living. I pray to the Great Spirit, my Creator, and I ask my Brother, a Wolf, to guide me.

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