ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Christmas party for the courier company that my mate and I have both been working with. There is a small room filled will three round tables for everyone. When I first arrived, there were only three tables, almost completely filled. My mate and I took the last available seats. Our backs are to the door and most of the other people there. These round tables are so socially awkward! Then, the staff realizes that there is supposed to be another table in the room. They begin to set up the forth table, squeezing it in as more people arrive. I felt trapped and boxed in. I was a little anxious and felt as if I shouldn’t be there. I wasn’t familiar with anyone else sitting at this table, and felt very awkward. But a couple alcoholic drinks fixed that. And dinner. The food was awesome. I probably scarfed it down quickly in wolf-like fashion, but I didn’t care. I tried to pace myself. Some of the humans at the same table were done eating full plates of food just as quickly. It turned out to be a good time. That’s my Wolf Therianthrope experience for the night. I’m having another drink at home after the taxi ride home. Tequila. And playing some Minecraft with my mate. G’night.
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 You may have read “From Human to Beast” ( ulfrvif.dreamwidth.org/7882.html ) but I'd felt the need to write about that part of my life again, explain it in a different way, from another perspective that might help others understand.

To remove the wolf from myself would be to destroy myself. Wolf is integral, so intertwined within my being that it's just who and what I am. Denying the wolf caused pain and depression in the past. I won't do that again.

I am the product of seven to eight years of mental, emotional trauma, abuse, and neglect. My choice was survive or die. My Therianthrope identity is partially an unconscious defense mechanism. But I think the wolf was always within me, lurking, waiting to escape. The depression and suicidal thoughts altered the function and wiring of my brain, making a way for the wolf to come out.

The wolf is what survived. There is some human remaining. Enough for me to function as human. I am the product of needing a family, a role model, and only finding the spirit of a dead pet wolf-dog to comfort me. I looked up to wolves and other canines. I wanted the family structure that they had. In a way, I am the product of imprinting on wolves during my vulnerable teenage years because most of the humans around me were poor examples.

I am a survivor. I am the product of survival instinct clawing and gnashing its way out of a human body in the form of a wolf as I pressed the blade to my skin and drew blood. I hoped that I wouldn't wake up every morning for seven to eight long, hellish years. But I did wake up. And I called the instinct of perseverance, Wolf. I called the determination and stubbornness, Wolf. Wolf is what rose to the challenge during the bad years of my life. Wolf is permanent.

I am both a spiritual and psychological Therian. I mentioned before that I think wolf had always been within me. I do believe that I have been a wolf in a past life as well. The soul within me has always been wolf. But I probably would not have awakened in this life if not for the need to survive. If not, the wolf within would have been content to remain dormant. Or maybe it would have come out anyway. The possibilities are many, but I don't concern myself with the what-ifs. I just know what has occurred and what is.

I am the product of being raised Christian. Of feeling guilt at a young age when I had done nothing wrong. I am the product of being hollowed out by that guilt, fear, depression, and other negative emotions that haunted me. What filled the hollowed core of my being was wild and primitive. It thrashed and bared its teeth and growled at the feelings that caged me. The wolf defied those things. Stood up to them, and told them that they would not be my masters. Wolf had no written rules or laws. Only the laws of nature. Christianity would no longer shackle me.

My mind, heart, and soul required fresh air, and the space to run free. Becoming wolf offered me the chance. Actually, a second chance at life. Becoming wolf gave me the strength and fortitude to face each day. Wolves and other wild animals don't wish and hope for death. Their instincts make them do everything necessary to avoid death. I am wolf now. I fought back chronic depression and suicidal thoughts for years without resting. Wolf won. Wolf Survived.

I am human because of the wolf. And wolf because I am human. They are one and the same. One cannot be or exist without the other. I am the result of needing to accept the duality of being human. There is an animal inside. I had to get to know that animal-side better to keep living.

Wolf Daughter
September 10, 2016

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 I've come to feel as if my therianthropy is both spiritual and psychological. This is my story, recently written. Feel free to ask questions and leave comments.

I was once a normal, happy, ignorant human child. Youth is shed painfully. Certainly in my case. My first hard lesson came at the age of nine. I tried to show care, concern, and love for a puppy. My mother scolded me and told me not to cry. She said that if I ever cried like that again, she would take that dog away from me. Those words crushed my soul. They killed any true happiness or love in me.

Why get attached to another being if showing any emotional connection to it will result in someone ripping it away from me? I would never have the ability to properly form attachments, make friends, or truly know love. Sure, I have a mate, but to this very day I sometimes question my feelings. I question their authenticity. Are they real? Are they true? I try not to question too much or think of it too often. But mimicry is a major tool for survival. Do I mimic the actions of one in a loving relationship? I don't have the answer.

Even if I can express emotions better after several years of healing, I'm still afraid that my attachments might not be healthy ones. But again, thinking too much only makes it worse.

I suffered depression for months after being told to bottle up my emotions. I suffer to this day. Next my humanity was slowly, agonizingly chipped away. The hell created by my parents went on for seven or eight long years. It continued long after they divorced. Every day of those years was filled with my parents fighting and arguing. I was surrounded by verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. During those years, I think my father asked me once if I was okay. Every night I thought of ending my life. My parents taught me, for the second time, that love did not exist. It was fake. Only anger, hate, distrust, and disappointment are true emotions.

I was broken. I did not allow myself to give in to any emotions. Except when they escaped in rare uncontrollable outbursts. Those outbursts drew too much attention and landed me in more trouble. So, I pushed emotions down deeper into darker corners of my mind. I had no relationships in high school. I trusted no one. I was as anxious and wary as a caged animal as I sat in classrooms. I was a tormented beast that wanted out of my own mind and body.

After one outburst, I was sent to the high school's councilor. I spoke with her three or four times. Then, my mother found out. My mother said that I had no right to talk to other people about her and my father's private problems and private lives. I also took it as being reprimanded again for having emotions and for seeking help with them because they were becoming darker and more destructive. I stopped visiting the councilor. To feel only brought me scorn.

How does a teenager survive all of this? How did I think of suicide every night and day for years and not attempt the the act? How did I wake up and walk through another day filled with depression, self-loathing, anger, and hate? I also had no relationships simply to protect anyone I thought I cared about. I kept them at a distance to protect them from the damning darkness that seethed inside of me. I was worthless. I knew I was incapable of caring or truly loving another person. Why even try? Love was a joke. My parents taught me well. Love did not exist.

Why didn't I give up, with nothing good to live for? Humans are animals. They have basic survival instincts. They just don't admit to being so base. I had nothing else. Without emotion and higher feelings, I became a beast.

That puppy which my mother had told me not to cry over had been a wolf-dog. By forcing us apart my mother brought us together in a way that she could never have imagined. By separating us, my mother actually made that wolf-dog my only reason to exist. Somewhere deep down inside my sick mind, I latched onto the idea that the wolf-dog was my pack and only true family. Even after his mysterious death at only two years of age, I felt as if he was the only one who had ever cared for me. He had been my brother and mentor. That wolf-dog taught me everything I know. A wolf-dog saved this wretched human and with his help, through hell's fire, this soul and mind have been forged into those of a wolf. A beast of survival.

Every day I thought about suicide was a day of perseverance. The wolf in me knew that the famine wouldn't last forever. Every day was just about blending in, acting as normal as possible so no one got suspicious and asked questions. I tried to hide the chaos inside. It was chaotic suppressing emotions while becoming less human and more wolf with each passing day. Again, I protected those around me from this chaos by keeping them at a distance, even pushing them coldly away. But I was surviving. My human brain struggled against the beast growing and taking over. Buy my spirit was beginning to shine through the darkness.

Here, I will throw in another facet of this experience and transformation. In the beginning, I had called myself a Christian. I feared God. I feared being damned and going to hell. It's what led me to hate myself. I was born a sinner. I thought I had read somewhere that children of divorced parents were damned and sent to hell. So, my life was hopeless. My soul was irredeemable. Why was I trying? Why not kill myself since I was damned anyway?

But wolf doesn't think that way. Wolf survives. Wolf does not need to be saved by anyone. I came to realize that there was no Jesus or God. No one was going to save me. Only I could help and save myself. If anyone is responsible for helping to save me, it was, of course, a wolf-dog. Discarding the concept that I was predestined to spend an eternity in hell for my parents' decisions started a reaction that has slowly dissolved a lot of pain. That also led to the wolf being a more free, confident, and powerful being.

The wolf within me was actually the light in the darkness. I saw my physical human form as ugly. I was not desirable. I was weak and sickly. Stress and depression ravage the body and can cause long-term health problems. Through the years, I went to several doctors. Each doctor gave a different diagnosis. Mononucleosis. Irritable bowel syndrome. I could be doubled over from the pain of ovarian cysts. I was anemic and had no energy. A weak wolf does not survive, but the wolf in me was strong and beautiful. I never turned to smoking, alcohol, or drugs during those challenging years of my life. The wolf within forced me to make healthier choices. I began to eat better food and exercise. I got stronger to survive. To this day, not being active enough and eating poorly causes IBS and cyst flare ups. But I manage them.

I still struggle with emotions. But wolves are emotional beings. Wolves are pack animals. They form bonds with others. I am still wary of other humans and don't really trust anyone. Other than my mate, I still don't have any friends. I still just go through my days trying to blend in and look normal. Being a wolf is what makes me a decent human being. Believe it or not, canines and other creatures have systems of morality and fairness. If not for becoming a wolf, the hateful person that I had been would have started to hurt herself and others on purpose.

Believe it or not, my mind is not so sick anymore. I said I still suffer from depression, but I attribute that to being human. I've never taken any medication for depression. I see it like the waves of the ocean. They come and go. Depression rises up and falls down on a regular basis. I'm learning to manage depression along with my other health problems. Being mindful is the key. I am much better off as a wolf that I ever was as only a human. I hated myself enough over the years. I don't hate myself now. I am content with being this beast. This wolf is content with being a survivor instead of a suicide.

Addition:
My parents actually have a good friendship after being divorced for a few years, and I have a fairly good relationship with them.

Wolf Daughter
December 12, 2015

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
A wealthy royal family lives in seclusion from the impoverished world below their ornate palace. The prison is nothing but a barren fenced in field, with no shade or shelter from the elements, where wrongfully accused peasants slowly die. Beyond the barren field an untouched forest holds promises of freedom and a new life.
“Shut up,” I grumble under my breath at the two clumsy men trying to cut the magically electrified fence. “I don’t know how you managed to get back here without being noticed.”
“We’re not getting out of here,” another woman beside me said with her arms crossed and a bored look on her face.
A third man appeared. “You should be able to cut it now. Hurry up.”
They begin to cut the fence with large sheers, but don’t get very far before patrolling guards come around the corner and shout. The men run for their lives towards the forest. I run too, heading for the end of the prison. With the charge still disabled, I scramble over the fence, along with the other woman who had been beside me. Other prisoners, those with the strength to run, have also rushed the fence.
I catch up with the three men, and the five of us continue running for the forest. A steep hill blocks our path, but we are determined to escape and start to climb. Half way up, an alarm sounds from the prison. Screams come from the stragglers seconds later as a deadly spell, resembling a wall of water, crashes down on them. We don’t stop and climb the spruce covered hill high enough to avoid the first magical attack, but we know another will soon follow. We reach the top and quickly scramble down, sliding on dry needles that cover the ground and stumbling over dead branches.
I’m startled by a noise behind me like a horrendous wind blowing through the trees. I turn around to see what’s going to kill me. To my surprise, a native woman with long black hair dressed in deer skins stands in front of me. She glows with a white light that holds back another magical attack. She takes a few steps forward and stretches out her arms. That’s when I notice the limp body of a juvenile white wolf. I wonder if it is wounded or asleep.
The woman speaks in a soft, wise voice. She tells me to take the wolf and that it will protect me. I reach out to accept the wolf. The light around her grows brighter, more intense, and it envelops me as I shut my eyes. When the light suddenly disappears, I open my eyes again only too see the sky through the tree limbs. My friends call out to me from the bottom of the hill. Their voices bring me out of my stunned state, and I dash down after them.
We ran through the woods for a few minutes and broke through to the shore of a lake. A large tall ship constructed of a golden-colored wood and golden sails was anchored near the shore. No other people seemed to be around. The ship was unguarded. We went aboard to search for food and supplies. Two of the guys went below. The other, along with me and the other woman stayed on deck. (Sadly, I don’t remember any names from my dream.) The other woman suddenly began to yell from the helm. “It’s moving on its own! I can’t control it!”
The ship had detached itself from the moorings and moved out into deeper water. The other two men rushed back to deck. “I can’t control it!” the woman yelled again, unable to move the wheel. There was nothing we could do to stop the ship, and we were in for an even greater surprise. The golden ship lifted up from the water and took to the air. We were flying over the trees and hills. We didn’t know where the ship was taking us or why, but we had no choice.
 
 
 
 My friends and I had imagined escaping to an endless wilderness, but we quickly realized how wrong we had been. After a few hours of flying, the forest turned into a barren dead landscape. Only patches of brambles and thorns grew, and those looked more brown than green.
The trees were either burned to black charcoal or cut so that only stumps remained. The water changed from clear blue to black, as if the rivers and lakes held tar and oil instead of water. The sky turned from blue to grey. The world was no longer one we were familiar with. We’d had no idea this existed, and we all wondered what had happened. What could have caused the destruction of so much land?
 
 
 
 Our answer revealed itself sooner than we’d hoped. The ship rose over a hill and we were suddenly able to see the form of a massive black city that took up the entire side of a mountain. Below, thousands of people were gathered in front of what was noticeably a ruler of some kind. More noticeable were the number of guards and soldiers in armor and masks with blood red capes shifting in the chilly yet choking breezing.
Gasps and screams could be heard from the huge gathering as the ship passed over them. But the guards kept a strict order. To our dismay, the ship landed near this horrible place, and guards quickly approached us. There was no point in hiding, fighting, or running. We let ourselves be captured without a struggle. As we were pushed through the crowd, we got a glimpse of how ruthless and uncaring this place was.
A woman cried as guards separated her from her husband. She screamed. “Please don’t take him away! Don’t make him do those things.” The man did not fight back. He hung his head and faded into the crowd, being taken from his family for some unexplained reason to be a slave.
We were not chained or shackled, but blood red robes were placed on us. The hoods covered our faces. A wide path was open before the ruler. We were positioned in the middle in a V-shape with me strangely in the center, at the apex. The guards shoved us down, forcing us to kneel.
I was the closest to the throne. I lifted my head slightly to see past the dark hood which obscured my vision. What appeared to be a young woman in a light grey dress sat on a black throne. I had never seen her before, yet something inside me said I knew her. I felt immense anger and hatred, as if she had taken everything from me and had destroyed all I had loved. I felt as if I wanted revenge on this woman. I felt as if I wanted to kill her.
She spoke in a commanding tone. “One of you is hiding your true self. You can either reveal yourself or my servants will do so. They can sense the difference in consciousness.”
Other woman moved from beside the throne and approached us. I felt as if I should know what she was talking about. I sensed that my friends were confused and didn’t know what she meant. That left me.
Suddenly a servant was behind me. A hand grasped my shoulder. I was jolted as the woman’s mind entered mine with a shock of pain. And memories flooded me. I remembered. I knew my true self.
I stood up, unafraid. I lifted my head and boldly pushed back the hood, looking the witch in the eye. “I’m the wolf therian. I’m the one you want.”
The witch smiled a sinister smile. “You are the one I’ve been hunting.” She stood and took a couple steps towards me. I tensed. Adrenaline filled my veins, and I reacted on instinct. Without much thought, I charged at her, throwing off the robe as I ran. As I did, I partially transformed into a wolf. My hands became paws. My face elongated into a muzzle. My teeth grew longer and sharper. It felt as if I were stronger, and fur covered most of my body.
The witch screamed and lifted her hand to cast a spell. I dodged to the side, placed my feet firmly under me, regained my balance, and leaped. An invisible force slammed me to the ground, knocking the air from my lungs. I was disoriented. I felt a weight on my chest as the witch placed a foot on me and prepared to strike with a dagger.
I rolled, throwing her off balance and to the ground. I didn’t waste the opportunity and pinned her down. I snarled, showing my fangs. I wanted to sink them into her thin pale neck. Rage boiled inside of me. Every muscle was drawn tight.
“Kill me,” she hissed, staring at me with cold silver eyes.
But I hesitated. Would anything really change if I killed her now?
“You can’t kill me,” she laughed. “You’re too weak.”
A soldier stepped up beside us and a blow to the back of my head made me go limp. I wasn’t completely unconscious, but I was paralyzed. I saw my friends in the distance, huddled together in fear and surrounded by guards. I briefly wondered what would happen to them because I had failed. I wanted to tell them I was sorry for not being strong enough. My eyes slowly closed and everything went black as soldiers dragged me away.

~~~

A light breeze made ripples on the water of a lake. The reflection of a half moon shimmered. My friends and I were relaxing on a veranda. It was quiet and peaceful. But I began to feel as if things were out of place. How did I get here?
The moon in the sky shimmered too. A ring of colors appeared and swirled around it. I felt pulled in as if my insides were also being twisted.
“Are you okay?” the guy closest to me asked. “You look sick.”
I was sick. Lights flashed before my eyes like fireworks. Sparks bounced across the water of the lake. Finally, I could take the disorientation no longer. I went to the rail and threw up. Thick green liquid was ejected from inside me, and my head started to clear. The illusion before my eyes broke and faded away. Memories returned again, in such a rush that I gagged and threw up more of the green liquid.
With my head clear, and a spell broken, I began to tell my friends the truth. They soon felt sick and purged their bodies of the mind controlling substance. Once they were returning to themselves, old feelings rose to the surface within me. I had an unfinished task to complete. I felt the need for revenge.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I find myself on a journey.

In an unfamiliar place on every level of existence.

Thrust here by events outside of my control.

Emotionally wavering between nothing and everything, mentally juggling emptiness, voids in thought and those times when thoughts fire so rapidly I can’t hold onto them all. Some ideas slip away never to be found again. Others remain and imbed themselves, never to leave. Physically cycling from restless energy to exhaustion. Moments when I feel like anything is possible to moments when each breath is surely my last. But I place one foot before the other. I do take another breath. I continue my journey.

A journey that every wolf takes, and if their trials can teach me anything, it is that all of my experiences are real. Every emotion, thought, and doubt is necessary.

I may not know where I am going or what my goal is, but I will discover it along the way…as I wander, at times seemingly without direction or purpose, sometimes looking over my shoulder at the past as I stray back into old habits, I find truth.

Without realizing it, certain ideas and beliefs attach themselves to my being, become part of me. As the journey goes on, these beliefs will manifest in my actions. I will act without thinking, guided by principles which have lodged themselves deep within my heart and soul.

And once I do realize what I am, what I truly believe, and my goal or purpose is clearly before me, I will be able to fight and die if necessary for what I hold dear, without any fear or regret.

So I am reminded that I am in the developmental stage of my journey. The end or conclusion, if there is one, lies far over a distant horizon that is not even within my sight…and won’t be for a long time.

One foot goes in front of the other…and sometimes I’m even running.

Events may happen along the way that threaten to break my spirit. Continuing may seem impossible, when some beliefs are shattered, faith crushed, and loyalty betrayed, but those things can be found again…but only if I keep going. There is no such thing as giving up. May that idea be permanent.

Even if I deny some truths for a while, the ones I need will repeat until I begin to accept new possibilities.

And what if I misinterpret the signs? How long could I waste time going in circles before I run out of time to learn the truth? What if I’m wrong and believe the lies instead of the truth? What if I become blind? How far can I stray and still be able to redeem myself? Is there a point at which a soul can no longer be reclaimed or saved from a darker path? .

But I said there was no giving up. There is no point at which forgiveness can not be obtained…from others and from within myself. Sometimes we must stray to learn lessons and find the truth.

So even through darkness and uncertainty, when I feel torn apart, I must not stop…even when I question every action and word, when everything is out of my control, and I feel like everything is wrong…I must not give up.

That is actually the point at which I could run the farthest, shine the brightest, and be the strongest and fiercest to show the world what I am and prove that I don’t lay down and die on command when things get hard.

And if I did find out that I was following only lies…what would I do? If everything was taken from me…what would I do?

Would my journey start over? Could I really keep moving forward? Or should I look back, shift through the past to find where I veered off course? Maybe the hardest trial is facing myself…breaking down all the barriers…making myself vulnerable in order to reach out… find hope…the tiniest grain of truth to lead me to a new beginning.

Wolf Daughter
February 20, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The following poem is about the wolf spirit within and the watchful spirits of other wolves who have helped guide me through life. It is also about reaching a place, or state of mind, where I could accept what I was and stop denying.

"Dare to Follow"
I stand in a dream
That shows true reality.
The one I hide inside.
Colorless and cold.
A desolate place.
Containing only a weak heart,
A trapped spirit,
And a broken soul.
All stunted and barren.
Clouds filled only with torment and sorrow,
Raining memories full of regret.
Screams and cries are carried on the wind.
How do I escape?
Which direction?

Follow me.

A voice whispers at my side.
A calming presence
Stirring new life into my spirit
As I look up towards the horizon...
A wolf stands there, looking back at me.

Will you follow me?
Strength and courage will be tested.
Also your faith, loyalty, and love.
Beyond your past awaits the future!
Face all doubt and emptiness.
Conquer all fears.
I am here.

One step at a time, I follow my guide, leaving the pain behind...

Wolf Daughter
December 31, 2007
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

This journal entry marks the day that I was finally done with being a Christian. It also includes an in depth look into the development of my Therianthropy.

I had two friends. I suspected that the first one didn't believe me. We had an argument last week, and I was right. He doesn't believe people can have animal souls. The second friend believed me for a while. Then, he went overseas on a mission trip. He came back and doesn't believe me. "That's not the way God works," He told me. "I think you are lost and don't want to be found." It was late, and I didn't ask for a further explanation. He doesn't agree with my beliefs, but he did say he respects them. At least that's something.

The first friend acted as if he didn't even want to respect my beliefs. He didn't think I could be happy this way. Well, I told him I couldn't talk to him any more, and I waited for the feelings of loneliness and emptiness to tell me I'd done something wrong. Instead, I felt as if it should have happened long ago, as if he and I had been holding each other back from better possibilities. Now, I think I can move on and prepare for the next stage of my journey.

I'm not mad or angry at either of them. I still wish for their happiness and hope they are blessed in life. Yet, at the same time, I still ask myself some questions and examine some things from my own life again. It's not like I had problems in my life, found a group of people, and decided to be like them to hide or run away from my problems. That's not it at all.

It's true that my parents had problems and are divorced now. That could have made me change. But why change the way I did if I could have picked up the habits and stuff of my friends at school? No, I still wasn't like them either. The wolf came to me, gave me hope and comfort. I didn't believe at first. The wolf disappeared for a while, but it kept returning. I had dreams of the wolf, and it told me I could be happy. I started to accept the wolf as a part of me instead of taking the many other paths set before me. There were so many chances to be someone else, to be "normal," but I guess that wasn't truly me. I accepted the wolf and wanted to learn more. That's when I found others like me.

I guess I'm writing this, because I might be doubting a little. However, I don't think I could ever go back now. If I pushed the wolf away, rejected her, and tried to forget my soul and my beliefs to be more normal, I would be living a lie.

So what's worse - ending a friendship and being myself, or living a lie to please someone else? Does keeping my beliefs make me selfish? I try to imagine being like them, like other humans, ignorant of new possibilities, some never giving their spirits or souls a single thought. I try to see myself acting more like them to fit in, belong, have more friends, and possibly be popular.

But I feel something inside me cringe. It's afraid of those thoughts. I guess it's the wolf in me. She doesn't care about being popular, fitting in, or pleasing people who don't understand. She just wants the freedom to be true to herself and what she believes. And I believe that I'm quite capable of being happy the way I am. I think the more I embrace the wolf within, the stronger and more confident I will become. The wolf is my guide, and it is there to help me.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Usually at night when I lie still and quiet, I feel most of my body phantom-shift into a wolf. Arms become forelegs, fingers shorten into paws, legs shorten and feet also become paws. It’s becoming easy to feel a tail. Sometimes I feel it wag whenever I feel good or get excited about something. Sometimes when I’m sitting, my tail is curled around me so it won’t be sat on. I also feel ears at night. It’s harder to imagine or feel my face elongate, but on some occasions I can feel the powerful jaws and more teeth. It’s also a nice surprise to feel fur on most of my body too.

There was a time when mental shifts came unexpectedly and they were confusing. But now I believe or feel as if the wolf is almost constant. When I’m alone, I might shift deeper into the wolf. In other words, my actions and movements are more wolf-like, but I can’t stay that way all the time.

However, the last few nights, I’ve been shifting into something else. I tried to resist it. I thought I was only a wolf, but maybe I was wrong. My arms didn’t become thin wolf legs. They felt heavy, muscular, and bulky. I asked myself what animals are like that. Tigers, lions, and other large cats came to mind, but I don’t really feel feline. I might have a few small feline characteristics. There has been a pet cat in the family as long as I can remember, and I do mimic the current one at times. My Chinese zodiac is also the tiger, but I just don’t feel like it’s a major part of me. My Greek zodiac is Sagittarius. I do believe I have the horse as a spirit guide, but it’s not a constant either. The wolf is constant, always there, just under the surface.

So, the new feeling isn’t a cat. Then I thought about bears. They are large and heavy, especially grizzly bears. But that didn’t fit. Neither did black bears. They are smaller and the size didn’t seem right. I was about to give up and dismiss the feeling when polar bear came to mind. I’ve never felt like I had a bear as a spirit guide, and I never imagined having one as a major part of my being. I let the heavy, bulky sensation of front legs come again. My hands felt odd too, much bigger. I pictured a polar bear in my mind, lumbering across the snow. The way its front legs moved, muscular and thick, felt right this time. The large paws that helped it walk across the snow also fit. And the white of its fur seemed strangely accurate.

That was last night. Today, I considered it again. I know I need to research polar bears and their behavior. I also need to see if the feeling or shifts continue or get stronger. But as I was picturing the polar bear in my mind, the wolf came forward too. I saw the wolf’s face and polar bear’s face together, slightly transparent and on top of one another, as if the bear is now and equal part of me, and the wolf and bear have an understanding. They are there to work together.

I had been in a rut for a while. I felt like I wasn’t advancing or growing spiritually, but after thinking of the bear, I felt a lot better today. I was more active, energetic, alert, and awake. It felt good. Maybe it’s just the feel of fall in the air though. So I’ll keep thinking of the bear, and wait for more shifts. See what happens and how it makes me feel.  


Wolf Daughter
July 30, 2007

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Last night I had a dream about wolves. It’s been several hours since I had the dream. I don’t remember everything correctly, and I’m not sure of the exact order. Maybe I had two separate dreams.

In one part, I think I was at home. There was a large black wolf and a puppy, a very young wolf that was gray. I just remember watching the two wolves play, and for a little while I played with them. I believe the older wolf was teaching the young one. He might have been trying to teach me too. But I’m not sure what he was trying to teach us.

In the other part of the dream, I remember being in the woods. I was at an old camp where my dad hunts sometimes. Or maybe that’s where the dream-place reminds me of. I do remember thinking that dad was hunting. I was alone, outside on the porch. I heard coyotes yelping loudly and coming in my direction. I howled like a wolf to frighten them away. They still came though. The coyotes started to come through the woods. Then they were scared by something else and ran away. That’s when I heard other wolves howl. They came from the woods and played near me for a few minutes. As they began to drift back into the woods, I remembered that mom was walking alone. The sun was setting, and I was afraid the coyotes would attack her. The wolves sensed my fear, seemed to understand me, and quickly ran to find and protect her. The leader stayed a few moments longer, starring at me. I wasn’t afraid. His power reassured me and gave me comfort. Once I was calmer, he drifted into the lengthening shadows to follow the others. The dream ended as I caught sight of my mom, returning safely from her walk.

I woke up and thought about the leader’s stance, and the way he looked at me and how he made me feel. It’s as if he was telling me that he would protect me. His pack and all the wolves would always be there to help me. It was a wonderful feeling. During the dream I remained a human, but I think the wolves can sense other wolves on a spiritual level. 

Wolf Daughter
July 29, 2007

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

*Some mentions of God remain as I still considered myself a Christian when this was originally written.

It stormed this afternoon. The air is cool and crisp outside. I wish I could go outside and run, but I guess I won’t. I don’t have anyone to run with me. That’s really a terrible excuse though – not running because I’m lonely. A lot of wolves are running alone out there. They have to in order to survive. They keep going. And that’s what I plan to do, in my own way. I just hope it leads me to somewhere or something good in the future.


I really started writing this because I wanted to say I’ve been trying to understand my human emotions again. I guess no one will ever be able to understand what they feel or why. I’ve said this before, but it’s come up again. I wish I could live without my emotions. Without the complicated human ones anyway. Because I know wolves must have emotions of some kind, but I guess they would be geared towards survival, the pack, and accomplishing necessary things. I’m sure wolves don’t worry about events they can’t control. I’m sure they don’t have time to waste on imaginary problems or irrelevant things. They probably think only about what is beneficial to the pack. It must be a blessing to be a simple animal. But wolves aren’t really that simple, are they? They have very complex lives too. But somehow they still seem more pure and truly free. God, what have you done? What have you created and why? Did you really put a wolf soul in me?

Well, I said I wouldn’t doubt that any more. But why place a wolf soul in a human? Why trap something so wild, pure, and free inside such an insignificant shell? Maybe it was a mistake instead of planned. Some people say god doesn’t make mistakes, but what if death and rebirth are just random? What if everything is just random? There’s no order in the universe. The wolf in me says that’s silly. Not everything can be random. There is an order or a pattern.

The whole world breathes. Besides, I’m not the only one. Hundreds of people feel like they have an animal soul. I don’t think God or Mother Earth would make that many mistakes. God may have created the Earth and all planets, but I feel as if the Earth is alive. In a sense, she has a free will of her own. God may control some storms, but some are the will of the Earth itself. Forget scientific explanations. That’s just a safeguard. While scientists are busy with their theories, the true believers are people with stronger spiritual understanding. They are the ones searching for the real truth as they get closer to the Earth and God. Not that science is bad. It helps us in some ways, but it does a lot of harm too.

Anyway, that’s interesting to think about, but not really the other thing I wanted to talk about. How does a wolf soul live in a human body? How does it learn to adapt? How do I live a normal life without going insane? Well my life will never be normal, but there are everyday human tasks that must be performed. I’m getting through college classes alright, but I will need a job soon. The freedom that the wolf needs won’t be available any more. I will have less time for daydreaming and running through the snow in my mind. I’m already 20. The time has come to grow up and be more mature. I need to start shouldering more responsibility. I can’t be an adolescent puppy forever. Maybe if I were serious about writing. That could be my release for things outside of work. It’s what I’m doing now. But writing thoughts and problems doesn’t really get me anywhere. Does it? I need to write more of my daydreams as short stories. That might really help me be more creative.

Can I not stay on topic? Oh well, I’m just letting ideas flow. Back to being a wolf in a human world. It’s scary and depressing. Being alone doesn’t help, but I can’t do much about that problem. What we want isn’t always what we need. With that said, there are rules a wolf must follow. As if I haven’t written a lot already – this might take a while. Or maybe I will surprise myself and get to the point and make this short.

Physical contact is essential to the bonds in a wolf pack. Playing and mach fights are important. Grooming each other also reinforces bond between pack members. Is any of this possible in a human world? No. I could never bump into my friends or rub shoulders whenever I wanted. I have more male friends that female. A girl who plays with two or three guys at once will be considered a flirt and probably several other unwanted titles. And what of a female who shows another female that kind of attention? What would other humans see and think? Also, about the guys, they would see the attention as something it’s not, and they would probably get jealous of each other. So, physical contact must be kept to a minimum if unwanted human situations are to be avoided. That really confuses a wolf who understands that touch and play is vital.

Body language is rather complex for humans and wolves. Unfortunately, humans don’t even really understand what they are telling each other half the time. Signals get really mixed up and confused between humans. Wolves know exactly what they are saying with every muscle twitch and every sound. They are probably the world’s best communicators. But being part wolf and part human means I don’t always understand what other humans are saying. I have to be careful to not let any growls or snarls lose when I’m angry. Also, I think I’m a bit more animated with facial expressions than other humans, but I could be wrong about that.

I still wonder why I’m here. I still wonder why I feel like a wolf instead of a human. There are so many things I can’t explain. So many strange thoughts that I can’t grasp. And dreams of wolves. Hopes and wishes that surely, no normal human ever thinks of. Feelings that others probably never have. Internal confrontations between the wants of a human and the duty of a wolf. I don’t want to be here. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my true home. I wish I could run and run forever, until I found what I’m missing.

Or maybe I still haven’t fully awakened. Chief (family's pet wolfdog) woke me up once. For years, I wasn’t sure of what I was on the inside. Then, I realized I wasn’t alone. There are other wolf people in the world. So I’m more sure of my spiritual self. But I’m beginning to feel as if that’s holding me back. Maybe that’s not the right term. But my eyes are still closed. I can’t see completely yet. It’s like there is one final awakening that needs to take place. So I can finally become what I’m meant to be. Then I will understand my purpose. But what’s going to wake me up? How long will I continue to wait? What must I do?


Wolf Daughter

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

*Edited this entry a little. Some mentions of God remain as I still considered myself a Christian when this was originally written.

I just finished watching an animated movie titled The Last Unicorn. It is a wonderful story. Makes me cry sometimes, how the Unicorn is trapped in a human body and almost forgets her true form. And while she is human, the Unicorn learns what love is, and she learns regret.

I seem to understand this all too well myself. Maybe as a wolf in a previous life, I didn’t understand love the way humans do. I also didn’t know such great pain, anger, hatred, or sorrow either. But I would still rather be a wolf again, because I am afraid of loosing my true self and my beliefs to this human form and this human world. If I do have a wolf soul, this human body is just a cage. It hinders my freedom. But at the same time that my soul is attached to it, this body also does not feel real. It’s not truly part of me, and when it dies my soul will discard its cage and be free once more.

But last night as I rested in bed, this body suddenly seemed heavier. I felt more attached to it. I felt as if this human form is all I had ever been, and all I would ever be. It terrified me. I didn’t feel the wolf in me. The wolf was completely gone. I was nothing but a human, a physical being. There was no soul or spirit in me.

How long can I endure?
How long can I fight the pain I feel?
How much longer can I struggle to remain a wolf in this form, in this world?
Before I go mad?
Before I decide to give up and stop believing?
Before I become human?

And if I do give in to all these feelings and emotions, if I become a human in body and mind, there will be no soul or spirit. As a human, I won’t believe in anything. All I will know is the physical world, what I can touch, feel, and see with human senses. I will live in the darkness, blinded forever. When I die, there won’t be a Heaven or Hell. There won’t be anything because the human doesn’t care or believe in stuff like that. She will be too concerned with fitting in, having friends, dating, and living a normal life. Never knowing the truth. Just living, dying, and decaying into nothing.

But if I fight to remain a wolf, until the very last ounce of my strength and determination, what will happen? I guess I don’t really have any answers. But as long as I believe I have a wolf soul, I believe in something else. A better place. A better world, one that is reborn. As long as I remain a wolf, I have a small glimmer of hope.

A battle wages inside me constantly. I pray to God that it will end, that the wolf in me will show herself completely and truly. But sometimes I think He doesn’t hear my cries.

What will it take?
How much must I suffer?
How close must I come to falling before I am heard?
I don’t know.
Maybe we must all fall, repeatedly, to be saved.

I don’t know the answers. But I do know that the wolf in me still has strength to run, to fight.
And she continues on…
Searching….
Running….
Never wanting to stop…

Wolf Daughter

2007 
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I remember a group of people gathered for an event at a large indoor stadium. The event had not started yet. People milled around, finding their seats. I was in the large concourse that surrounds the stadium. Suddenly, behind me, I heard screaming. People began running through the doors from the seated section and towards me. They were rushing for the exits, and I started running too.

But a feeling held me back. What were these people running from? I still heard screams from within the stadium area. An instinct to turn back and go help them was too strong to resist. I pushed against the terrified crowd until I reached an open space and gained speed. As I ran, the adrenaline and sense of urgency caused a transformation to take place. I leaped, the air shimmered around me with energy, and suddenly I was coming back down on front paws. I was a wolf.

I took a sharp corner into a passage that lead to the stadium. Once inside, I saw a hole ripped into the ceiling. A cloud, thick and dark like a thunderhead, had descended from the sky. But it was no ordinary storm. This cloud concealed a powerful demon. It began to harm people and devour them. Many tried to run away, but most were trapped.

Many people were throwing debris at the demon, but they did it no harm. I sensed that I was the only one who could harm the demon and drive it away. I charged toward the demon, striking it with my claws and biting with my fangs. But it was strong. My attack caused it very little harm. It tossed me to the ground, effortlessly. But I was not deterred. I lashed out again and again, growling viciously as the demon roared at me. Many times, I was thrown down, but each time, I stood up again.

Time can be strange and warped in dreams. I do not know how long I fought the demon. It could have been minutes, but it seemed more like hours. After all that time, the demon was still strong and injured only slightly. My body was aching and hurting. I was battered, bruised, and covered in cuts. I was weak, barely able to stand, and breathing harshly, but I would not stop fighting. I was determined to keep fighting. My choices were to kill the demon or die trying. I accepted that fate. I gathered my strength and howled.

To my surprise, the howl seemed to scare the demon. I howled again. The demon moaned and a spasm shook its body. I howled again, louder and stronger. The demon was hurt by my voice, and it thrashed about violently. I jumped at the demon, and my fangs sunk in deep. I clawed its hide furiously. Now, the demon's defenses were weakened, and it could be wounded more easily. I was forced to the ground, but it would be for the last time. I stood on exhausted legs, lifted my head, and howled again, louder than before. The demon was unable to protect itself or escape from my song.

I lowered my head to catch my breath and collect my energy for one final attack. As my last howl was set free, everything shook and vibrated as if from an earthquake. Suddenly, the demon cried out in great pain. Sunlight broke through, blazed into the room, and the demon was destroyed and defeated.

I’m unsure if I remained a wolf or transformed back into a human. All I remember is collapsing. As my eyes closed, I knew I had done my part. I had helped protect the people. The demon was gone, and they were safe. The dream faded into blackness as I passed out, and the dream ended.

Wolf Daughter

June 14, 2007

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