ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

On Saturday, May 20, 2017 my mate and I found ourselves lost in North Dakota. We were in the right city, and close to our destination, but we couldn't find the correct apartment. We do not carry a cell phone for various reasons, but we did have a laptop. We found wifi and sent our contact a message. Soon, we were located and rescued by Wolfmage who led us to his home.

A Feast and Games

Shortly afterwards, we met up with Russian and his partner at their place. They had an extraordinary amount of food prepare for us. Pork tenderloin, and a whole chicken cooked to perfection in Russian's smoker. There was also biscuits and baked potatoes. Bax and I were weary and hungry from our 8 hour drive. I didn't have the mind to take photos of all of this delicious food, but it still won't be forgotten.

We played “Exploding Kittens” and “Cards Against Humanity”. I'd never played “Exploding Kittens” before, but I had beginner's luck. I actually won. I was so distracted by the games and my new surroundings that I almost missed out on my first tasting of the famous drink that Wolfmage had been telling us about. But I stole my mate's glass. More about that in a moment.

Wolf Therians Hunt for Breakfast

On Sunday morning, Wolfmage, Bax, and I went to both an IHOP and a Perkins, but the wait was very long at both. Rather than deal with the crowds, I volunteered to cook breakfast. So, next was a trip to a grocery store where Wolfmage bought bacon, biscuits, eggs, and sausage. I enjoyed cooking, and we we all had an awesome breakfast. The bacon was thick-cut! We just chilled for a while until Russian was available to meet us at our next location.

Mead Tasting

The sweet golden liquid flowed genially from the prairie rose and in many tantalizing flavours. Mead is older than beer. It's an ancient drink made of honey, water, and yeast. Other fruits and spices can be added for flavor during the fermentation process.

There is often discussion about how Therianthropy and alcohol do not mix. I used to think that when younger, but I'm wiser now. Like everything else about Therianthropy, that depends on the individual. Sometimes, I feel more shifted or shift easier when intoxicated, but other times it has no affect.

After purchasing a few samples of flavors and a tour around the facility, the owner of the meadery decided to keep handing us sample of flavors that we had not tried. The first samples had been small shot-glasses - ginger, star anise, pineapple chipolte, mint, and more. The free samples were full-sized wine glasses - plum, cherry, and raspberry. I left there drunk for sure. But mead is a good kind of drunk. It's warm and relaxing. Mead is friendly and inviting. It's also the drink of the Gods. Bax and I purchased a bottle of Traditional, Vanilla Cinnamon, and Chocolate Orange. I think most alcoholic drinks that are chocolate flavoured are disgusting. This mead was perfection.

Interview

Now that we'd all had some alcohol to loosen the nerves and stifle the inhibitions, we recorded the video for the Therian Nation interview. That's available on Youtube.

Food, Dessert, and More Drinks!

It was into the afternoon now, and time for dinner. We chose a Mongolian buffet to eat at. It was interesting to watch my food be grilled, though I did not add enough sauce to my noodles. It was still tasty though.

Russian and his partner insisted that we go to a nearby Irish Pub for the dessert. I'm so glad they did. I won't forget that bread pudding with whisky sauce or the Irish Cream Cake for some time yet. Both were absolutely amazing! There was more Therianthropy chat. The atmosphere of the pub was nice, and I couldn't resist trying their pear cider. It was nice and refreshing.

Sadly, we needed to part ways with Russian and his partner. We enjoyed Wolfmage's company another night before leaving early in the morning. It was a good Howl. I've accomplished a couple goals on this trip. I've met other Therianthropes in person and I was also allowed to interview them. Thanks for all of the wonderful memories, Wolfmage and Russian!

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

I am back home from a small private Howl that took place this past weekend. For those that may not know the term, a howl just means a meeting or gathering of Therians in person, in real life. Bax and I traveled to North Dakota to meet two other Wolf Therians there. One actually traveled from Minnesota to meet us. There will hopefully be a more detailed blog later after I process and write down all of my thoughts. I did take some photos, and I recorded a video interview for Therian Nation. However, I want to get an okay to share the photos first. I also need permission to share the final cut and edited version of the video interview before it can go public. I will let everyone know about the progress of that in a couple weeks. Hopefully, it won’t take me any longer than that to put the final video together. 

*Howls*

Ulfrvif 
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

While wolves are good at hunting, they will not pass up the opportunity for an easy meal. They are also scavengers. Every other day, I must resist the temptation to sneak away with unguarded food from coworkers’ desks. I never look in the fridge because it might be too much to handle. I will confess that I gave in today. A large bag of fruit gummies was left unattended. The owner will never miss that handful of sweet fruit-shaped candy. If someone has left open a bag of Cheetos or chips, a couple of those are definitely snatched.

This mischievous, instinctual urge will hit me even if I’m not hungry. It’s the primal thought and supposition of the joy that I would get from being stealthy and leaving a coworker confused about where the remainder of their bagel went. They might even ask themselves if they ate it and didn’t remember eating it. Of course, I restrain myself. Most of the time I’m a decent human being who follows the unwritten rules of being human. I also consider the risk of becoming sick from eating after a strange person that I have never had contact with before.

Maybe this is normal human behavior? I’m not exactly sure. Let me know what you think. If you feel like sharing, let me know if you do this too and share your scavenging experiences.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
This was shared as part of Therian Nation.

The related video is available.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19UCVej1Wu8

Hi. I’m Shannon Jackson. I’m also known as Wolf Daughter in the Therian community. Recently, I took on the name Ulfrvif (Wolf Woman).

I’m 30 years old. I attended 5 years of university to earn a BFA in graphic design and painting. I’m currently  working full time in that field as a graphic designer and printer assistant. My hobbies include hiking, camping, and canoeing. I enjoy being out in the remote wilderness. I enjoy archery. I also practice HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts), with the main focus currently being on the German longsword.

I am a Wolf Therianthrope. My life is not entirely human. I consider myself to be both spiritually and psychologically a wolf. I think spirit works through and with the physical body, including the brain. I interpret aspects of my mentality and behavior as wolf. I have identified as a Wolf Therianthrope for 17-18 years, since I was 12-13 years old. I’ve never felt like I quite fit in with humans. But I can’t deny that I’m also human. That’s very obvious.

Therianthropy is about existing in two different worlds at the same time. It’s about having two different perspectives on life. I’m human and I’m something else. I actually think it’s really important. The world needs multiple perspectives and diversity. It’d be a really boring place if everybody thought the same, and experienced the same things.

For me, personally, Therianthropy is not about wearing ears, and tails, and looking cute. For me, being a Wolf Therianthrope is about personal power and inner strength. It’s about perseverance in difficult times. For example, wolves can go a long time without eating. It’s about survival. Being wolf is just about raw existence. It is a connection to nature, and a deeper, integral, and instinctual part of myself, the animal within. For me, it means to be tough and rugged. My life hasn’t been kind or easy, and I wouldn’t be alive today, if it wasn’t for tapping into that instinctual part of myself.

Therianthropy does makes navigating and interacting within the human world a bit harder for me. I think Katmandu said it really well in the A.H.W.W FAQ from 1994. 

“We exist in the human world, but long to seek connections with the animal one. We cannot completely leave the human world, nor completely enter the animal one. We are in-between, half animal and half human in psyche…mental or spiritual, shapechangers.”

Wolves are elusive creatures who are wary of humans. This causes me to have some anxiety. Although, wolves are also curious creatures. Being fearful of and inquisitive about people at the same time is a strange dichotomy. It’s a challenge in and of itself that I must deal with every day, but Therianthropy is not about shying away from responsibility. Being a Therianthrope is about taking on life’s challenges head-on with determination.

How do I know that I’m wolf? I seem to be more alert and aware of my surroundings. I’m more attentive to the information that my senses are bringing in. I watch, listen, and smell is also important. The calls and body language of other animals and humans are important.

Think of it this way–humans use phones to constantly be connected to the internet and that web of information. A wolf’s senses and awareness keep it plugged into the environment and all of that information that is available. A tremendous amount of communication takes place in nature between the plants, animals, and the environment.

When I say that Therianthropy is about personal power and raw instinct, it’s also about learning to control and balance that with being human. We can’t escape being human. We have to accept that part of ourselves too. It’s really hard to sum up all of this in a few minutes. It’s really impossible, and everyone has a slightly different experience. But I hope that gives you an idea of what my life is like as a Wolf Therianthrope. Thanks for reading.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

As part of showing what my life as a Wolf Therianthrope is like, this is what my mate and I ate this week. All of these meals were made at home.

Monday: Borscht (vegetarian)
Tuesday: Mushroom and Spinach Crepes (vegetarian)
Wednesday: Meatloaf with a side of Butter Beans
Thursday: Tuna Salad Sandwiches and Winter Squash Soup
Friday: Zucchini Fritters and Falafels with Tzatziki Sauce and Baba Ganouj (vegetarian)

I had a bowl of Shredded Wheat for breakfast each morning. My mate had a poached egg. And I would just take leftovers for lunch at work. My mate might have eaten out for a couple of his lunches, but he also ate leftovers if he could make it home for lunch during the day. I also put a couple meals worth of borscht in the freezer for later.

We spent less than $150 for two adults to eat well for a week. We don’t always eat this healthy or budget this well, but this was a good week.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
First of all, I know that I'm human. I can't deny that. I'm thirty years old and do the 9-5 full time job as a graphic designer. Therianthropy is a personal identification as a non-human animal on an integral level. I'm a wolf-person. I'm physically a human, but sometimes in other ways, I'm a wolf.

Therianthropy is a deeper connection to myself. Before I go into details, I want to state that none of these sensations, emotions, behaviors, or experiences on their own make me a Therianthrope, but all of these combined together make up my being and my existence as wolf.

Being wolf is mimicking human behavior and daily tasks, such as knowing that I must go to work to eat and provide shelter for myself. I don't like being in the same place for 8 hours a day, but my current job, as a graphic designer and printer assistant actually keeps me busy and physically active. I think of a job as equivalent to needing to roam and hunt as a wolf. In a way, human life is easier and safer, yet I often long for the ruggedness and brutality of the wolf's life.

Mimicking human behavior often causes me to question why I'm performing a task. These human tasks, which should feel normal, often feel alien and strange to me.

I have anxiety about new things and experiences. Wolves are taught what is safe and what is not safe in the environment at an early age. New objects or animals that they haven't seen before cause a mixture of curiosity and cautiousness. This often happens to me. While humans can also experience similar anxiety, they see anxiety as a disorder. I recognize it as instinct, and part of my survival.

Along with anxiety comes some skittishness. I try to control my flinching and little jumps to sounds and sudden movement, but those reactions can't always be covered up. Yes, humans instinctively flinch too, but mine is usually accompanied by phantom canine ears rotating or laying flat against my head. Sometimes, I also feel the longer phantom hairs of hackles standing up and/or a tail bristling as well.

I must control wanting to snarl and growl at people as a way to tell them that I don't feel comfortable. Sometimes, I can't avoid my nose flaring and wrinkling and my brow furrowing. If possible, like any wolf, I will move away and give myself more distance from the person or thing that is suspicious that I do not like. In most cases, however, most humans don't cause that reaction.

I consider myself to be more aware of my surrounds and environment than most humans. I am always listening and looking around me, trying to be aware of changes and new people or objects that come within range around me.

Being wolf is why I can also be one with the silence. I can just be part of the world around me. I don’t always nee to be making noise or having an impact on my surroundings. Most humans on the other hand seem to have a need to constantly be hearing themselves or another human. A TV or music is always on in most homes. I can just sit in silence and observe and absorb my surroundings, usually while in nature, but this often occurs at the workplace as well. I just immerse myself in the hums of computers, the muffled voices of coworkers in other rooms, and their footsteps as they walk through the building. 

Wolf is also why I have patience. Put patience together with being able to sit calmly in silence and just be an observer is what causes the vulnerable member of the herd to reveal itself.

I have a strange knack for unintentionally sneaking up on people and scaring them. I am not particularly quiet or stealthy. Perhaps, these individuals are just distracted. But it still always amuses me. Does this have anything to do with being a wolf? I can't actually say for sure. Maybe it has something to do with unconsciously/instinctively knowing how to approach prey from an advantageous angle like a hunting wolf would. It crossed my mind, so I thought that I would include it. Perhaps other Therians experience this.

Sometimes, I do feel the urge to chase animals that I see like squirrels, rabbits, and deer. But I know that I don't have a chance of actually catching them with this human body, so those animals are usually left in peace.

It's common for people to get upset or moody when they are hungry. I also get this way. Get between me and food when I'm hungry, and I will still restrain myself from growling and biting you, but sometimes I do feel more aggressive around food, especially if I'm hungry.

I enjoy sleeping curled up, as much as human anatomy will allow me to. I wish I had a tail to cover my nose on cold winter nights.

I honestly need to keep something to chew on. I wish I had better options than gum. I don't like ingesting the chemicals and sugars. But it's probably the best option during work.

I find it hard to sit normally in chairs. I often sit on my legs or try to sit cross-legged. And I often find myself leaning forward, the way a dog leans forward to rest on its front paws while sitting. I often get uncomfortable with chairs or car seats touching my back. This makes me feel confined.

Not all of the time, but sometimes I have trouble with speech. I see images in my mind of what I need to tell people about or describe to them, but it's difficult to turn that image into words.

When I was young, my Mother would always tell me to put a hand over my mouth if I was yawning. That was the polite thing to do. I always thought it felt weird. I will unashamedly yawn and roll out my tongue in canine fashion when no one is watching.

I often complain about not having a body covered in fur. I can get cold easily and envy all fur-bearing creatures.

Smells are important to me. I seem to be more mindful of the changing smells around me than normal humans. The scent of my mate is special and important to me. I'll happily admit that I enjoy the smell of his sweat. There is nothing gross about it. There have been times in my life when I wished I could have gotten to know other people in my life by their smell. Recognizing people by their appearance is still important, but I also recognize people by the sound of their voice and their smell. I have to restrain myself from sniffing people around their necks and armpits. That's where the majority of human scent comes from.

Wolves like strong, putrid smells. I know that if I were a wolf, I'd enjoy rolling in carcasses and the urine of my pack so that I smell like them. I go through a strange internal struggle when I come across a horrid smell. The human part of me wants to hold my breath or gag and move away as quickly as possible. The wolf part of me wants to breath deeper and taken in the stench and examine it. I often get the urge to move closer to the source of the smell. I control these urges because finding the source of these smells and getting closer and being exposed to them probably would not be healthy for this human body. The human olfactory nerves are obviously nothing like that of a wolf's, so I wouldn't be able to gain any information from examining the smell any further. 

I wish my teeth were sharper, longer, and stronger. I wish my bite was more powerful. I wish I could crack open and chew on bones.

The previous statement about teeth leads me to food. I wish my body could handle digesting raw meats without getting sick.

I have always enjoyed the company of dogs. Of course, in the wild, wolves and dogs usually do not get along. As a human, I can't be with other wolves, but I can be with dogs. It works out. It's like a compromise.

I do not like to run heal to toe. This has never been natural to me. I've always run on the balls of my feet and my toes. I don't “fox walk” as often as I used to when younger, but sometimes I still do. Although, it's normal for humans to run toes first, a lot of other animals such as dog and cats, also use this motion.

( Interesting related articles: http://www.livescience.com/8053-running-shoes-changed-humans-run.html and http://www.livescience.com/6115-humans-walk-flat-footed.html )

It's the wolf in me that encourages me to stay active and healthy. Wolves can cover great distances. I'm no athlete, but I am also no stranger to long hikes or physically hard work. Wolf's needs to be healthy and ready to take on the challenges of day to day life. Unhealthy wolves die. I aim to survive. That's my mentality.

Wolf is in how I move throughout my day. Wishing I could twitch my ears and turn them towards sounds. It's how I stretch and shake my entire body when I feel the need to.

I do enjoy taking off the human mask and being outdoors in nature. As many fellow Therians have said before, being an animal-person gives us a different perspective on life. We understand the world differently.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Christmas party for the courier company that my mate and I have both been working with. There is a small room filled will three round tables for everyone. When I first arrived, there were only three tables, almost completely filled. My mate and I took the last available seats. Our backs are to the door and most of the other people there. These round tables are so socially awkward! Then, the staff realizes that there is supposed to be another table in the room. They begin to set up the forth table, squeezing it in as more people arrive. I felt trapped and boxed in. I was a little anxious and felt as if I shouldn’t be there. I wasn’t familiar with anyone else sitting at this table, and felt very awkward. But a couple alcoholic drinks fixed that. And dinner. The food was awesome. I probably scarfed it down quickly in wolf-like fashion, but I didn’t care. I tried to pace myself. Some of the humans at the same table were done eating full plates of food just as quickly. It turned out to be a good time. That’s my Wolf Therianthrope experience for the night. I’m having another drink at home after the taxi ride home. Tequila. And playing some Minecraft with my mate. G’night.
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I have hands that allow me to grasp objects more easily than paws. This allows me to do more.

I can draw, paint, be creative.

I love listening to music. I took piano lessons for many years, and appreciate the practice and dedication that it takes to be a good musician.

I can drive a car, which allows me to move faster than I'd be able to run as a human or a wolf.

I can understand how to read and write, and I enjoy these activities.

I enjoy sleeping on my bed, under blankets, and with pillows. Though, I've slept on the ground plenty of times while camping, and I don't mind that either.

I like being able to use technology, such as computers.

I also enjoy watching movies and playing video games.

I've enjoyed unique human activities such as martial arts, HEMA, and archery. Although I see martial arts and wrestling as not unlike wolves play fighting. It's the human equivalent and these activities have helped me express my instincts to fight in a safe and controlled environment.

I enjoy being able to cook food for myself. I have a wider variety of food available to me as a human.

I can have a dog and cat companion without seeing them as threats or food.

I love tea and have tried many varieties. I will drink herbal to black and anything in between.

I can eat chocolate as a human, which would make me sick if I were a canine.

As a human, I'm thankful that I don't need to lick myself clean. Toilet paper is nice. Though, you know, if I were a wolf, I wouldn't really care.

Hot showers and saunas are also amazing.

Hopefully, time permitting, there will be a list of things I don't like about being human. Maybe also a list of things I like/don't like about being a wolf Therianthrope or what I would like about being a wolf.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 You may have read “From Human to Beast” ( ulfrvif.dreamwidth.org/7882.html ) but I'd felt the need to write about that part of my life again, explain it in a different way, from another perspective that might help others understand.

To remove the wolf from myself would be to destroy myself. Wolf is integral, so intertwined within my being that it's just who and what I am. Denying the wolf caused pain and depression in the past. I won't do that again.

I am the product of seven to eight years of mental, emotional trauma, abuse, and neglect. My choice was survive or die. My Therianthrope identity is partially an unconscious defense mechanism. But I think the wolf was always within me, lurking, waiting to escape. The depression and suicidal thoughts altered the function and wiring of my brain, making a way for the wolf to come out.

The wolf is what survived. There is some human remaining. Enough for me to function as human. I am the product of needing a family, a role model, and only finding the spirit of a dead pet wolf-dog to comfort me. I looked up to wolves and other canines. I wanted the family structure that they had. In a way, I am the product of imprinting on wolves during my vulnerable teenage years because most of the humans around me were poor examples.

I am a survivor. I am the product of survival instinct clawing and gnashing its way out of a human body in the form of a wolf as I pressed the blade to my skin and drew blood. I hoped that I wouldn't wake up every morning for seven to eight long, hellish years. But I did wake up. And I called the instinct of perseverance, Wolf. I called the determination and stubbornness, Wolf. Wolf is what rose to the challenge during the bad years of my life. Wolf is permanent.

I am both a spiritual and psychological Therian. I mentioned before that I think wolf had always been within me. I do believe that I have been a wolf in a past life as well. The soul within me has always been wolf. But I probably would not have awakened in this life if not for the need to survive. If not, the wolf within would have been content to remain dormant. Or maybe it would have come out anyway. The possibilities are many, but I don't concern myself with the what-ifs. I just know what has occurred and what is.

I am the product of being raised Christian. Of feeling guilt at a young age when I had done nothing wrong. I am the product of being hollowed out by that guilt, fear, depression, and other negative emotions that haunted me. What filled the hollowed core of my being was wild and primitive. It thrashed and bared its teeth and growled at the feelings that caged me. The wolf defied those things. Stood up to them, and told them that they would not be my masters. Wolf had no written rules or laws. Only the laws of nature. Christianity would no longer shackle me.

My mind, heart, and soul required fresh air, and the space to run free. Becoming wolf offered me the chance. Actually, a second chance at life. Becoming wolf gave me the strength and fortitude to face each day. Wolves and other wild animals don't wish and hope for death. Their instincts make them do everything necessary to avoid death. I am wolf now. I fought back chronic depression and suicidal thoughts for years without resting. Wolf won. Wolf Survived.

I am human because of the wolf. And wolf because I am human. They are one and the same. One cannot be or exist without the other. I am the result of needing to accept the duality of being human. There is an animal inside. I had to get to know that animal-side better to keep living.

Wolf Daughter
September 10, 2016

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Wake up, Wolf.

Stretch your tired,
Stiff human muscles.
Let Spirit set them ablaze.
Wake up, Wolf.
Test the limits.
Spirit is stronger than Flesh.
More powerful than Mind.
Wake up, Wolf.
Flesh and Mind are malleable.
Heat them, shape them.
Spirit is eternal.
Howl, Wolf.

Copyright Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif August 19, 2016

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 I've come to feel as if my therianthropy is both spiritual and psychological. This is my story, recently written. Feel free to ask questions and leave comments.

I was once a normal, happy, ignorant human child. Youth is shed painfully. Certainly in my case. My first hard lesson came at the age of nine. I tried to show care, concern, and love for a puppy. My mother scolded me and told me not to cry. She said that if I ever cried like that again, she would take that dog away from me. Those words crushed my soul. They killed any true happiness or love in me.

Why get attached to another being if showing any emotional connection to it will result in someone ripping it away from me? I would never have the ability to properly form attachments, make friends, or truly know love. Sure, I have a mate, but to this very day I sometimes question my feelings. I question their authenticity. Are they real? Are they true? I try not to question too much or think of it too often. But mimicry is a major tool for survival. Do I mimic the actions of one in a loving relationship? I don't have the answer.

Even if I can express emotions better after several years of healing, I'm still afraid that my attachments might not be healthy ones. But again, thinking too much only makes it worse.

I suffered depression for months after being told to bottle up my emotions. I suffer to this day. Next my humanity was slowly, agonizingly chipped away. The hell created by my parents went on for seven or eight long years. It continued long after they divorced. Every day of those years was filled with my parents fighting and arguing. I was surrounded by verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. During those years, I think my father asked me once if I was okay. Every night I thought of ending my life. My parents taught me, for the second time, that love did not exist. It was fake. Only anger, hate, distrust, and disappointment are true emotions.

I was broken. I did not allow myself to give in to any emotions. Except when they escaped in rare uncontrollable outbursts. Those outbursts drew too much attention and landed me in more trouble. So, I pushed emotions down deeper into darker corners of my mind. I had no relationships in high school. I trusted no one. I was as anxious and wary as a caged animal as I sat in classrooms. I was a tormented beast that wanted out of my own mind and body.

After one outburst, I was sent to the high school's councilor. I spoke with her three or four times. Then, my mother found out. My mother said that I had no right to talk to other people about her and my father's private problems and private lives. I also took it as being reprimanded again for having emotions and for seeking help with them because they were becoming darker and more destructive. I stopped visiting the councilor. To feel only brought me scorn.

How does a teenager survive all of this? How did I think of suicide every night and day for years and not attempt the the act? How did I wake up and walk through another day filled with depression, self-loathing, anger, and hate? I also had no relationships simply to protect anyone I thought I cared about. I kept them at a distance to protect them from the damning darkness that seethed inside of me. I was worthless. I knew I was incapable of caring or truly loving another person. Why even try? Love was a joke. My parents taught me well. Love did not exist.

Why didn't I give up, with nothing good to live for? Humans are animals. They have basic survival instincts. They just don't admit to being so base. I had nothing else. Without emotion and higher feelings, I became a beast.

That puppy which my mother had told me not to cry over had been a wolf-dog. By forcing us apart my mother brought us together in a way that she could never have imagined. By separating us, my mother actually made that wolf-dog my only reason to exist. Somewhere deep down inside my sick mind, I latched onto the idea that the wolf-dog was my pack and only true family. Even after his mysterious death at only two years of age, I felt as if he was the only one who had ever cared for me. He had been my brother and mentor. That wolf-dog taught me everything I know. A wolf-dog saved this wretched human and with his help, through hell's fire, this soul and mind have been forged into those of a wolf. A beast of survival.

Every day I thought about suicide was a day of perseverance. The wolf in me knew that the famine wouldn't last forever. Every day was just about blending in, acting as normal as possible so no one got suspicious and asked questions. I tried to hide the chaos inside. It was chaotic suppressing emotions while becoming less human and more wolf with each passing day. Again, I protected those around me from this chaos by keeping them at a distance, even pushing them coldly away. But I was surviving. My human brain struggled against the beast growing and taking over. Buy my spirit was beginning to shine through the darkness.

Here, I will throw in another facet of this experience and transformation. In the beginning, I had called myself a Christian. I feared God. I feared being damned and going to hell. It's what led me to hate myself. I was born a sinner. I thought I had read somewhere that children of divorced parents were damned and sent to hell. So, my life was hopeless. My soul was irredeemable. Why was I trying? Why not kill myself since I was damned anyway?

But wolf doesn't think that way. Wolf survives. Wolf does not need to be saved by anyone. I came to realize that there was no Jesus or God. No one was going to save me. Only I could help and save myself. If anyone is responsible for helping to save me, it was, of course, a wolf-dog. Discarding the concept that I was predestined to spend an eternity in hell for my parents' decisions started a reaction that has slowly dissolved a lot of pain. That also led to the wolf being a more free, confident, and powerful being.

The wolf within me was actually the light in the darkness. I saw my physical human form as ugly. I was not desirable. I was weak and sickly. Stress and depression ravage the body and can cause long-term health problems. Through the years, I went to several doctors. Each doctor gave a different diagnosis. Mononucleosis. Irritable bowel syndrome. I could be doubled over from the pain of ovarian cysts. I was anemic and had no energy. A weak wolf does not survive, but the wolf in me was strong and beautiful. I never turned to smoking, alcohol, or drugs during those challenging years of my life. The wolf within forced me to make healthier choices. I began to eat better food and exercise. I got stronger to survive. To this day, not being active enough and eating poorly causes IBS and cyst flare ups. But I manage them.

I still struggle with emotions. But wolves are emotional beings. Wolves are pack animals. They form bonds with others. I am still wary of other humans and don't really trust anyone. Other than my mate, I still don't have any friends. I still just go through my days trying to blend in and look normal. Being a wolf is what makes me a decent human being. Believe it or not, canines and other creatures have systems of morality and fairness. If not for becoming a wolf, the hateful person that I had been would have started to hurt herself and others on purpose.

Believe it or not, my mind is not so sick anymore. I said I still suffer from depression, but I attribute that to being human. I've never taken any medication for depression. I see it like the waves of the ocean. They come and go. Depression rises up and falls down on a regular basis. I'm learning to manage depression along with my other health problems. Being mindful is the key. I am much better off as a wolf that I ever was as only a human. I hated myself enough over the years. I don't hate myself now. I am content with being this beast. This wolf is content with being a survivor instead of a suicide.

Addition:
My parents actually have a good friendship after being divorced for a few years, and I have a fairly good relationship with them.

Wolf Daughter
December 12, 2015

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I dreamed of Crow last night and wanted to share some information about Crow as a totem and spirit guide.

Crow Medicine
 
There is a medicine story that tells of Crow’s fascination with her own shadow. She kept looking at it, scratching it, pecking it, until her shadow woke up and became alive. Then Crow’s shadow ate her. Crow is Dead Crow now.
 
Dead Crow is the Left-Handed Guardian. If you look deeply into Crow’s eyes, you will have found the gateway to the super-natural. Crow knows the unknowable mysteries of creation and is the keeper of all sacred law.
 
Since Crow is the keeper of sacred law, Crow can bend the laws of the physical universe and “shape shift.” This ability is rare an unique. Few adepts exist in today’s world, and fewer still have mastered Crow’s art of shape shifting. This art includes doubling, or being in two places at one time consciously; taking on another physical form, and becoming the “fly on the wall” to observe what is happening far away. Crow medicine people are masters of illusion.
 
All sacred texts are under protection of Crow. Creator’s Book of Laws or Book of Seals is bound in Crow feathers. Crow feathers tell of spirit made flesh. Crow is also the protector of the “ogallah” or ancient records.
 
The law which states that “all things are born of women” is signified by Crow.
 
Children are taught to behave according to the rules of a particular culture. Most orthodox religious systems create a mandate concerning acceptable behavior within the context of worldly affairs. Do this and you will go to heaven. Do thus and you will go to hell. Different formulas for salvation are demanded by each “true faith.”
 
However, human law is not the same as Sacred Law. More so than any other medicine, Crow sees that the physical world and even the spiritual world, as humanity interprets them, are an illusion.
 
There are an infinitude of creatures. Great Spirit is within all. If an individual obeys Crow’s perfect laws as given by the Creator, then at death he or she dies a Good Medicine Death and goes on to the next incarnation with a clear memory of his or her past.
 
Crow is an omen of change. Crow lives in the void and has no sense of time. The Ancient Chiefs tell us that Crow sees simultaneously the three fates—past, present, and future. Crow merges light and darkness, seeing both inner and outer reality.
 
Crow medicine signifies a firsthand knowledge of a higher order of right and wrong than that indicated by the laws created in human culture. With Crow medicine, a person can speak in a powerful voice when addressing issues that are out of harmony, out of balance, or unjust.
 
Allow personal integrity to be your guide, and the sense of being alone will vanish. Personal will can emerge so that you can stand in truth. The path of Crow people is to be mindful of opinions and actions. Be willing to walk your talk, speak your truth, know your life’s mission, and balance past, present, and future in the now. Shape shift that old reality and become your future self. Allow the bending of physical laws to aid in creating the shape shifted world of peace.
 
Information taken from the book, "The Discovery of Power through the Ways of Animals" by Jamie Sams and David Carson.

Walk softly and thanks for reading.

Wolf Daughter
September 17, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I find myself on a journey.

In an unfamiliar place on every level of existence.

Thrust here by events outside of my control.

Emotionally wavering between nothing and everything, mentally juggling emptiness, voids in thought and those times when thoughts fire so rapidly I can’t hold onto them all. Some ideas slip away never to be found again. Others remain and imbed themselves, never to leave. Physically cycling from restless energy to exhaustion. Moments when I feel like anything is possible to moments when each breath is surely my last. But I place one foot before the other. I do take another breath. I continue my journey.

A journey that every wolf takes, and if their trials can teach me anything, it is that all of my experiences are real. Every emotion, thought, and doubt is necessary.

I may not know where I am going or what my goal is, but I will discover it along the way…as I wander, at times seemingly without direction or purpose, sometimes looking over my shoulder at the past as I stray back into old habits, I find truth.

Without realizing it, certain ideas and beliefs attach themselves to my being, become part of me. As the journey goes on, these beliefs will manifest in my actions. I will act without thinking, guided by principles which have lodged themselves deep within my heart and soul.

And once I do realize what I am, what I truly believe, and my goal or purpose is clearly before me, I will be able to fight and die if necessary for what I hold dear, without any fear or regret.

So I am reminded that I am in the developmental stage of my journey. The end or conclusion, if there is one, lies far over a distant horizon that is not even within my sight…and won’t be for a long time.

One foot goes in front of the other…and sometimes I’m even running.

Events may happen along the way that threaten to break my spirit. Continuing may seem impossible, when some beliefs are shattered, faith crushed, and loyalty betrayed, but those things can be found again…but only if I keep going. There is no such thing as giving up. May that idea be permanent.

Even if I deny some truths for a while, the ones I need will repeat until I begin to accept new possibilities.

And what if I misinterpret the signs? How long could I waste time going in circles before I run out of time to learn the truth? What if I’m wrong and believe the lies instead of the truth? What if I become blind? How far can I stray and still be able to redeem myself? Is there a point at which a soul can no longer be reclaimed or saved from a darker path? .

But I said there was no giving up. There is no point at which forgiveness can not be obtained…from others and from within myself. Sometimes we must stray to learn lessons and find the truth.

So even through darkness and uncertainty, when I feel torn apart, I must not stop…even when I question every action and word, when everything is out of my control, and I feel like everything is wrong…I must not give up.

That is actually the point at which I could run the farthest, shine the brightest, and be the strongest and fiercest to show the world what I am and prove that I don’t lay down and die on command when things get hard.

And if I did find out that I was following only lies…what would I do? If everything was taken from me…what would I do?

Would my journey start over? Could I really keep moving forward? Or should I look back, shift through the past to find where I veered off course? Maybe the hardest trial is facing myself…breaking down all the barriers…making myself vulnerable in order to reach out… find hope…the tiniest grain of truth to lead me to a new beginning.

Wolf Daughter
February 20, 2009
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Last night my spirit beckoned me to run as if something awaited me or should be witnessed in the darkness. Although I did not go, a similar feeling suddenly returns tonight.

Physically, I sit still.
Inside, I feel my spirit move. A wind teases my fur.
I'm rushing forward. My spirit is a streak of light moving at light speed.
The stars and galaxies blur around me, creating a tunnel of color and light.
All is light and energy!
I don't know my destination, but that doesn't really worry me.
I'm no longer lost or searching for something in the dark.
I might finally have a destination.
 
But what has caused these feelings and inner shifts or journeys? I feel that the physical world and the people around me, including recent events, have catalyzed my spiritual state.

It's the small things. They have the greatest impact. A glance, a second of eye-contact, body position and body language can actually be the strongest communicators, transmitting the greatest amount of information.

It's my spirit now having the ability to react with the spirits of others. Or rather, a stronger ability to recognize and understand how my spirit reacts to those around me. I might also understand why my spirit reacts the way it does to stimuli and why that makes me feel the way I do.
 
I feel held, lifted up by an energy that is warm and encouraging.
I stand taller, more confident, more aware of my surroundings.
My spirit soars through space now.
Within minutes, I have traveled an incomprehensible distance.
Farther than ever before. So far I can't possibly go back.
And I'm okay with that truth.

.....There is only forward.....being guided by something that calls to me, tugs on me.....

I can't know what the outcome will be, but I can't be afraid to find out.

Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could slow my momentum. I can't stop the events that have been set in motion.....but that doesn't really worry me either....

Wolf Daughter
October 18, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Lakota Words of Wisdom

"It is important to walk in balance and live in harmony although people today have lost that balance."

"Everything has its own song. When you have spiritual knowledge, you will learn to hear those songs. For instance, the rocks and colors sing; the fire has a song; so do the earth, the water, the green leaves and grass. There are songs in all life forms -- four-legged, two legged, and even creeping-crawler creatures."

All things have a voice. All things speak to us, but we rarely choose to listen. It's hard to hear the Earth and animals as they whisper to us these days. Humans create a lot of noise in this modern world, including vehicle motors, tires against the pavement, trains, cell phones, music, electronics, TV's, computer, and more. The hardest noise to quiet is our own voices, whether talking out loud or holding conversation with ourselves, in our own minds. All of these things distract us, separate us from the quieter sounds of the Earth.

The Earth is always sending signals and messages to us. If we could learn to be silent and open our minds, the messages of the creatures and spirits around us could be heard. The trees and plants sigh and creak in the wind. The grass rustles and flowers sing softly. Birds chirp and sing. The Earth is always speaking. She's alive, reaching out to those who will listen.

The world is filled with mystery and secrets that can be discovered. I believe there is still magic here. Spirits surround me, and they all have stories and lessons to share. Being closer to the Earth and all the beings around me is not an easy thing to achieve in this fast-paced hectic life, but it is a life goal that I am setting for myself. I want to find balance and harmony with everything around me.

Wolf Daughter
October 12, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Dream from June 22, 2008

I was standing in a sandy arena. Other soldiers were lined up on either side of me. A king sat at one end, towards my left. A ceremony was taking place in his honor. The setting seemed to be Medieval from the looks of clothing and armor. I was among the knights and warriors there to protect and serve the king. 


The festivities continued as planned. The king ordered us to march in the arena. Men dressed in bright colors were probably clowns and performers. As the king became drunk, he ordered them to join our ranks and march too. He and the audience laughed and enjoyed themselves.

Until the situation changed. Spectators began to scream and scatter. Enemy soldiers rushed into the arena. They were clearly after the king, but we were alert and prepared. Swords were out in seconds and fighting erupted.

I was right in the middle of it, unafraid. Swords clashed and rang as soldiers grunted and yelled. The arena was also becoming dark. Late afternoon was upon us. Night was approaching, and there was a lot of dust in the air. I fought well. A couple enemies were quickly cut down. More took their place. I parried, spun, and killed another. I grappled with one soldier, threw him to the ground, and finished him.

As I stood and looked for my next opponent, a sword stabbed my chest. With one hand, I held the blade, preventing my attacker from pulling it away. With my sword in the other hand, I fought on fiercely. Soon, after two or three cuts, my foe was down. But I was bleeding, weakened, and stumbling.

I think it was also at this point that I started to feel the wolf within calling to me. My hand was still gripping the sword protruding from my chest. I gritted my teeth, pulled, and the blade slowly emerged, slick with blood. The pain buckled my knees. I fell back. The swords, released from my limp hands, landed beside me.

I remember feeling very much like a wolf during the dream, almost as if I was transformed. A wolf might have also come to watch over me. This most likely happened as I lay on the ground in pain, feeling my breaths get slow and labored as I died.
I saw the fight continue, but it was almost over. There were very few soldiers remaining. The arena was must darker. I felt sand under my cheek and hands. Dead bodies were all around me. As my eyes closed, the feeling of being a wolf was the strongest. I think it is the wolf spirit that would not give up or die. My life was not meant to end there.

I don't know how long I slept or was unconscious. Perhaps it was for centuries. As I opened my eyes, I found myself in a modern setting. To be more specific, I was on the floor of my grandmother's house. I was still in some pain. Slowly, I moved stiff, aching muscles and sat up. A sword was also on the floor, within reach. It frightened me. I looked down at my shirt. There was no blood or hole in the fabric. But when I stretched the collar down, a healing white scar was on my chest.
I carefully stood. I heard my grandmother coming into the house, snatched up the sword, and found a place to hide it. The dream ended there.

The pain and being stabbed had seemed very realistic. Upon waking, I did look at my chest. No white scar, but there is a red rash where one had not been yesterday. Maybe I was bitten by a mosquitoe or something in the night as I slept, causing my mind to fabricate my death. Or maybe it's something more. The mind is powerful, and sometimes what we imagine does have small physical effects on the body. Of course, I can't know for sure. I just try to think of multiple possibilities.

I do believe that this dream is a sign of the strong wolf spirit within. Even when our physical bodies die, the soul remains.

"There is no death. Only a change of worlds." - Chief Seattle, Dwamish Tribe

Wolf Daughter

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

I was in the city, walking down the road, and people were staring at me. It was because four or five white wolves were following me. I came to a stop in a parking garage. Too many people were watching, and the wolves needed to leave. They turned and faded into the shadows. But one lingered.

I kneeled and beckoned to him. He slowly approached and allowed me to pet his neck. He said he had something to give me. I held out my hands, and a small pouch dropped from the wolf's mouth into them. He said I must not open the pouch. I needed to search for and find something else. He couldn't tell me anymore and disappeared.

So I walked through the city all night searching for something. I didn't know where I was going or why. I just had the pouch given to me by the white wolf. I finally climbed to the top of a building, and it seemed like a dead end. I didn't know where else to go. But there was a man there. It seemed like a strange place to find another person.

He asked what I was doing there. I said I was searching for something, and it seemed like I was lost. He offered to help me and asked if I had any clues or anything that might point the way. All I had was the pouch, and if I remember correctly, I let him see it after some hesitation. I believe I told him it couldn't be opened. The end of the dream is fuzzy. I'm not sure if this happened or not, but I think he told me not to be afraid. Then, we might have opened the pouch together.

I'm not sure what was inside. That I don't remember. But after thinking about it, maybe it contained some courage, hope, and trust. Or maybe we climbed down from the building and continued on the quest together. 
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The following poem is about the wolf spirit within and the watchful spirits of other wolves who have helped guide me through life. It is also about reaching a place, or state of mind, where I could accept what I was and stop denying.

"Dare to Follow"
I stand in a dream
That shows true reality.
The one I hide inside.
Colorless and cold.
A desolate place.
Containing only a weak heart,
A trapped spirit,
And a broken soul.
All stunted and barren.
Clouds filled only with torment and sorrow,
Raining memories full of regret.
Screams and cries are carried on the wind.
How do I escape?
Which direction?

Follow me.

A voice whispers at my side.
A calming presence
Stirring new life into my spirit
As I look up towards the horizon...
A wolf stands there, looking back at me.

Will you follow me?
Strength and courage will be tested.
Also your faith, loyalty, and love.
Beyond your past awaits the future!
Face all doubt and emptiness.
Conquer all fears.
I am here.

One step at a time, I follow my guide, leaving the pain behind...

Wolf Daughter
December 31, 2007
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

This journal entry marks the day that I was finally done with being a Christian. It also includes an in depth look into the development of my Therianthropy.

I had two friends. I suspected that the first one didn't believe me. We had an argument last week, and I was right. He doesn't believe people can have animal souls. The second friend believed me for a while. Then, he went overseas on a mission trip. He came back and doesn't believe me. "That's not the way God works," He told me. "I think you are lost and don't want to be found." It was late, and I didn't ask for a further explanation. He doesn't agree with my beliefs, but he did say he respects them. At least that's something.

The first friend acted as if he didn't even want to respect my beliefs. He didn't think I could be happy this way. Well, I told him I couldn't talk to him any more, and I waited for the feelings of loneliness and emptiness to tell me I'd done something wrong. Instead, I felt as if it should have happened long ago, as if he and I had been holding each other back from better possibilities. Now, I think I can move on and prepare for the next stage of my journey.

I'm not mad or angry at either of them. I still wish for their happiness and hope they are blessed in life. Yet, at the same time, I still ask myself some questions and examine some things from my own life again. It's not like I had problems in my life, found a group of people, and decided to be like them to hide or run away from my problems. That's not it at all.

It's true that my parents had problems and are divorced now. That could have made me change. But why change the way I did if I could have picked up the habits and stuff of my friends at school? No, I still wasn't like them either. The wolf came to me, gave me hope and comfort. I didn't believe at first. The wolf disappeared for a while, but it kept returning. I had dreams of the wolf, and it told me I could be happy. I started to accept the wolf as a part of me instead of taking the many other paths set before me. There were so many chances to be someone else, to be "normal," but I guess that wasn't truly me. I accepted the wolf and wanted to learn more. That's when I found others like me.

I guess I'm writing this, because I might be doubting a little. However, I don't think I could ever go back now. If I pushed the wolf away, rejected her, and tried to forget my soul and my beliefs to be more normal, I would be living a lie.

So what's worse - ending a friendship and being myself, or living a lie to please someone else? Does keeping my beliefs make me selfish? I try to imagine being like them, like other humans, ignorant of new possibilities, some never giving their spirits or souls a single thought. I try to see myself acting more like them to fit in, belong, have more friends, and possibly be popular.

But I feel something inside me cringe. It's afraid of those thoughts. I guess it's the wolf in me. She doesn't care about being popular, fitting in, or pleasing people who don't understand. She just wants the freedom to be true to herself and what she believes. And I believe that I'm quite capable of being happy the way I am. I think the more I embrace the wolf within, the stronger and more confident I will become. The wolf is my guide, and it is there to help me.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

Usually at night when I lie still and quiet, I feel most of my body phantom-shift into a wolf. Arms become forelegs, fingers shorten into paws, legs shorten and feet also become paws. It’s becoming easy to feel a tail. Sometimes I feel it wag whenever I feel good or get excited about something. Sometimes when I’m sitting, my tail is curled around me so it won’t be sat on. I also feel ears at night. It’s harder to imagine or feel my face elongate, but on some occasions I can feel the powerful jaws and more teeth. It’s also a nice surprise to feel fur on most of my body too.

There was a time when mental shifts came unexpectedly and they were confusing. But now I believe or feel as if the wolf is almost constant. When I’m alone, I might shift deeper into the wolf. In other words, my actions and movements are more wolf-like, but I can’t stay that way all the time.

However, the last few nights, I’ve been shifting into something else. I tried to resist it. I thought I was only a wolf, but maybe I was wrong. My arms didn’t become thin wolf legs. They felt heavy, muscular, and bulky. I asked myself what animals are like that. Tigers, lions, and other large cats came to mind, but I don’t really feel feline. I might have a few small feline characteristics. There has been a pet cat in the family as long as I can remember, and I do mimic the current one at times. My Chinese zodiac is also the tiger, but I just don’t feel like it’s a major part of me. My Greek zodiac is Sagittarius. I do believe I have the horse as a spirit guide, but it’s not a constant either. The wolf is constant, always there, just under the surface.

So, the new feeling isn’t a cat. Then I thought about bears. They are large and heavy, especially grizzly bears. But that didn’t fit. Neither did black bears. They are smaller and the size didn’t seem right. I was about to give up and dismiss the feeling when polar bear came to mind. I’ve never felt like I had a bear as a spirit guide, and I never imagined having one as a major part of my being. I let the heavy, bulky sensation of front legs come again. My hands felt odd too, much bigger. I pictured a polar bear in my mind, lumbering across the snow. The way its front legs moved, muscular and thick, felt right this time. The large paws that helped it walk across the snow also fit. And the white of its fur seemed strangely accurate.

That was last night. Today, I considered it again. I know I need to research polar bears and their behavior. I also need to see if the feeling or shifts continue or get stronger. But as I was picturing the polar bear in my mind, the wolf came forward too. I saw the wolf’s face and polar bear’s face together, slightly transparent and on top of one another, as if the bear is now and equal part of me, and the wolf and bear have an understanding. They are there to work together.

I had been in a rut for a while. I felt like I wasn’t advancing or growing spiritually, but after thinking of the bear, I felt a lot better today. I was more active, energetic, alert, and awake. It felt good. Maybe it’s just the feel of fall in the air though. So I’ll keep thinking of the bear, and wait for more shifts. See what happens and how it makes me feel.  


Wolf Daughter
July 30, 2007

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