Wolf Human

Jun. 8th, 2017 11:11 pm
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Wolf Human

Innate and ingrained within is an essence that can not be denied. It can be hidden behind a human mask, but it can not be forced away or destroyed lest I destroy myself.

Those outside looking in may hate and fear because of the unknown. Sometimes, I am frightened too. Yet, I am also empowered by the mystery that I carry. I exist. I am real.

Therianthropy is looking outward at a wolf and seeing familiarity where other humans do not. Therianthropy is looking inward to see the wolf within. It is being aware that I am between worlds, unable to deny the wolf and unable to deny the human aspects of life.

Therianthropy is balancing the civilized routine with a spark of untamed wildness. Tempering the bestial instinct with human intelligence. I am a wolf with a human mind and body. A human with the mind and spirit of a wolf. I am a Wolf Therianthrope.

© Ulfrvif June 2017

Note: There is an artsy audio video of this available on Youtube.
https://youtu.be/M9I8AV8Ptmg

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

While wolves are good at hunting, they will not pass up the opportunity for an easy meal. They are also scavengers. Every other day, I must resist the temptation to sneak away with unguarded food from coworkers’ desks. I never look in the fridge because it might be too much to handle. I will confess that I gave in today. A large bag of fruit gummies was left unattended. The owner will never miss that handful of sweet fruit-shaped candy. If someone has left open a bag of Cheetos or chips, a couple of those are definitely snatched.

This mischievous, instinctual urge will hit me even if I’m not hungry. It’s the primal thought and supposition of the joy that I would get from being stealthy and leaving a coworker confused about where the remainder of their bagel went. They might even ask themselves if they ate it and didn’t remember eating it. Of course, I restrain myself. Most of the time I’m a decent human being who follows the unwritten rules of being human. I also consider the risk of becoming sick from eating after a strange person that I have never had contact with before.

Maybe this is normal human behavior? I’m not exactly sure. Let me know what you think. If you feel like sharing, let me know if you do this too and share your scavenging experiences.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

This was some of the most tender meat I can recall eating. And after eating mostly vegetarian meals last week, and mushroom and spinach crepes again last night, this meal made this Wolf Therian very happy. 

So, the recipe was originally for cooking the roast in beer, but I had a small bottle of mead instead. It didn’t turn out too sweet. I’d added a little balsamic vinegar into it and a splash of beef broth. I seared the roast first. Then just threw everything into the pot, along with onions, carrots, and potatoes. It slow cooked in the oven at 325 for 3 hours. I love meals that allow me to step away and do other tasks. And a meal like this actually feeds me and my mate for two or three days. The initial cost of a nice, big cut of meat may seem high, but it goes a long way. 

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif
 

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
This was shared as part of Therian Nation.

The related video is available.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19UCVej1Wu8

Hi. I’m Shannon Jackson. I’m also known as Wolf Daughter in the Therian community. Recently, I took on the name Ulfrvif (Wolf Woman).

I’m 30 years old. I attended 5 years of university to earn a BFA in graphic design and painting. I’m currently  working full time in that field as a graphic designer and printer assistant. My hobbies include hiking, camping, and canoeing. I enjoy being out in the remote wilderness. I enjoy archery. I also practice HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts), with the main focus currently being on the German longsword.

I am a Wolf Therianthrope. My life is not entirely human. I consider myself to be both spiritually and psychologically a wolf. I think spirit works through and with the physical body, including the brain. I interpret aspects of my mentality and behavior as wolf. I have identified as a Wolf Therianthrope for 17-18 years, since I was 12-13 years old. I’ve never felt like I quite fit in with humans. But I can’t deny that I’m also human. That’s very obvious.

Therianthropy is about existing in two different worlds at the same time. It’s about having two different perspectives on life. I’m human and I’m something else. I actually think it’s really important. The world needs multiple perspectives and diversity. It’d be a really boring place if everybody thought the same, and experienced the same things.

For me, personally, Therianthropy is not about wearing ears, and tails, and looking cute. For me, being a Wolf Therianthrope is about personal power and inner strength. It’s about perseverance in difficult times. For example, wolves can go a long time without eating. It’s about survival. Being wolf is just about raw existence. It is a connection to nature, and a deeper, integral, and instinctual part of myself, the animal within. For me, it means to be tough and rugged. My life hasn’t been kind or easy, and I wouldn’t be alive today, if it wasn’t for tapping into that instinctual part of myself.

Therianthropy does makes navigating and interacting within the human world a bit harder for me. I think Katmandu said it really well in the A.H.W.W FAQ from 1994. 

“We exist in the human world, but long to seek connections with the animal one. We cannot completely leave the human world, nor completely enter the animal one. We are in-between, half animal and half human in psyche…mental or spiritual, shapechangers.”

Wolves are elusive creatures who are wary of humans. This causes me to have some anxiety. Although, wolves are also curious creatures. Being fearful of and inquisitive about people at the same time is a strange dichotomy. It’s a challenge in and of itself that I must deal with every day, but Therianthropy is not about shying away from responsibility. Being a Therianthrope is about taking on life’s challenges head-on with determination.

How do I know that I’m wolf? I seem to be more alert and aware of my surroundings. I’m more attentive to the information that my senses are bringing in. I watch, listen, and smell is also important. The calls and body language of other animals and humans are important.

Think of it this way–humans use phones to constantly be connected to the internet and that web of information. A wolf’s senses and awareness keep it plugged into the environment and all of that information that is available. A tremendous amount of communication takes place in nature between the plants, animals, and the environment.

When I say that Therianthropy is about personal power and raw instinct, it’s also about learning to control and balance that with being human. We can’t escape being human. We have to accept that part of ourselves too. It’s really hard to sum up all of this in a few minutes. It’s really impossible, and everyone has a slightly different experience. But I hope that gives you an idea of what my life is like as a Wolf Therianthrope. Thanks for reading.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

As part of showing what my life as a Wolf Therianthrope is like, this is what my mate and I ate this week. All of these meals were made at home.

Monday: Borscht (vegetarian)
Tuesday: Mushroom and Spinach Crepes (vegetarian)
Wednesday: Meatloaf with a side of Butter Beans
Thursday: Tuna Salad Sandwiches and Winter Squash Soup
Friday: Zucchini Fritters and Falafels with Tzatziki Sauce and Baba Ganouj (vegetarian)

I had a bowl of Shredded Wheat for breakfast each morning. My mate had a poached egg. And I would just take leftovers for lunch at work. My mate might have eaten out for a couple of his lunches, but he also ate leftovers if he could make it home for lunch during the day. I also put a couple meals worth of borscht in the freezer for later.

We spent less than $150 for two adults to eat well for a week. We don’t always eat this healthy or budget this well, but this was a good week.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
First of all, I know that I'm human. I can't deny that. I'm thirty years old and do the 9-5 full time job as a graphic designer. Therianthropy is a personal identification as a non-human animal on an integral level. I'm a wolf-person. I'm physically a human, but sometimes in other ways, I'm a wolf.

Therianthropy is a deeper connection to myself. Before I go into details, I want to state that none of these sensations, emotions, behaviors, or experiences on their own make me a Therianthrope, but all of these combined together make up my being and my existence as wolf.

Being wolf is mimicking human behavior and daily tasks, such as knowing that I must go to work to eat and provide shelter for myself. I don't like being in the same place for 8 hours a day, but my current job, as a graphic designer and printer assistant actually keeps me busy and physically active. I think of a job as equivalent to needing to roam and hunt as a wolf. In a way, human life is easier and safer, yet I often long for the ruggedness and brutality of the wolf's life.

Mimicking human behavior often causes me to question why I'm performing a task. These human tasks, which should feel normal, often feel alien and strange to me.

I have anxiety about new things and experiences. Wolves are taught what is safe and what is not safe in the environment at an early age. New objects or animals that they haven't seen before cause a mixture of curiosity and cautiousness. This often happens to me. While humans can also experience similar anxiety, they see anxiety as a disorder. I recognize it as instinct, and part of my survival.

Along with anxiety comes some skittishness. I try to control my flinching and little jumps to sounds and sudden movement, but those reactions can't always be covered up. Yes, humans instinctively flinch too, but mine is usually accompanied by phantom canine ears rotating or laying flat against my head. Sometimes, I also feel the longer phantom hairs of hackles standing up and/or a tail bristling as well.

I must control wanting to snarl and growl at people as a way to tell them that I don't feel comfortable. Sometimes, I can't avoid my nose flaring and wrinkling and my brow furrowing. If possible, like any wolf, I will move away and give myself more distance from the person or thing that is suspicious that I do not like. In most cases, however, most humans don't cause that reaction.

I consider myself to be more aware of my surrounds and environment than most humans. I am always listening and looking around me, trying to be aware of changes and new people or objects that come within range around me.

Being wolf is why I can also be one with the silence. I can just be part of the world around me. I don’t always nee to be making noise or having an impact on my surroundings. Most humans on the other hand seem to have a need to constantly be hearing themselves or another human. A TV or music is always on in most homes. I can just sit in silence and observe and absorb my surroundings, usually while in nature, but this often occurs at the workplace as well. I just immerse myself in the hums of computers, the muffled voices of coworkers in other rooms, and their footsteps as they walk through the building. 

Wolf is also why I have patience. Put patience together with being able to sit calmly in silence and just be an observer is what causes the vulnerable member of the herd to reveal itself.

I have a strange knack for unintentionally sneaking up on people and scaring them. I am not particularly quiet or stealthy. Perhaps, these individuals are just distracted. But it still always amuses me. Does this have anything to do with being a wolf? I can't actually say for sure. Maybe it has something to do with unconsciously/instinctively knowing how to approach prey from an advantageous angle like a hunting wolf would. It crossed my mind, so I thought that I would include it. Perhaps other Therians experience this.

Sometimes, I do feel the urge to chase animals that I see like squirrels, rabbits, and deer. But I know that I don't have a chance of actually catching them with this human body, so those animals are usually left in peace.

It's common for people to get upset or moody when they are hungry. I also get this way. Get between me and food when I'm hungry, and I will still restrain myself from growling and biting you, but sometimes I do feel more aggressive around food, especially if I'm hungry.

I enjoy sleeping curled up, as much as human anatomy will allow me to. I wish I had a tail to cover my nose on cold winter nights.

I honestly need to keep something to chew on. I wish I had better options than gum. I don't like ingesting the chemicals and sugars. But it's probably the best option during work.

I find it hard to sit normally in chairs. I often sit on my legs or try to sit cross-legged. And I often find myself leaning forward, the way a dog leans forward to rest on its front paws while sitting. I often get uncomfortable with chairs or car seats touching my back. This makes me feel confined.

Not all of the time, but sometimes I have trouble with speech. I see images in my mind of what I need to tell people about or describe to them, but it's difficult to turn that image into words.

When I was young, my Mother would always tell me to put a hand over my mouth if I was yawning. That was the polite thing to do. I always thought it felt weird. I will unashamedly yawn and roll out my tongue in canine fashion when no one is watching.

I often complain about not having a body covered in fur. I can get cold easily and envy all fur-bearing creatures.

Smells are important to me. I seem to be more mindful of the changing smells around me than normal humans. The scent of my mate is special and important to me. I'll happily admit that I enjoy the smell of his sweat. There is nothing gross about it. There have been times in my life when I wished I could have gotten to know other people in my life by their smell. Recognizing people by their appearance is still important, but I also recognize people by the sound of their voice and their smell. I have to restrain myself from sniffing people around their necks and armpits. That's where the majority of human scent comes from.

Wolves like strong, putrid smells. I know that if I were a wolf, I'd enjoy rolling in carcasses and the urine of my pack so that I smell like them. I go through a strange internal struggle when I come across a horrid smell. The human part of me wants to hold my breath or gag and move away as quickly as possible. The wolf part of me wants to breath deeper and taken in the stench and examine it. I often get the urge to move closer to the source of the smell. I control these urges because finding the source of these smells and getting closer and being exposed to them probably would not be healthy for this human body. The human olfactory nerves are obviously nothing like that of a wolf's, so I wouldn't be able to gain any information from examining the smell any further. 

I wish my teeth were sharper, longer, and stronger. I wish my bite was more powerful. I wish I could crack open and chew on bones.

The previous statement about teeth leads me to food. I wish my body could handle digesting raw meats without getting sick.

I have always enjoyed the company of dogs. Of course, in the wild, wolves and dogs usually do not get along. As a human, I can't be with other wolves, but I can be with dogs. It works out. It's like a compromise.

I do not like to run heal to toe. This has never been natural to me. I've always run on the balls of my feet and my toes. I don't “fox walk” as often as I used to when younger, but sometimes I still do. Although, it's normal for humans to run toes first, a lot of other animals such as dog and cats, also use this motion.

( Interesting related articles: http://www.livescience.com/8053-running-shoes-changed-humans-run.html and http://www.livescience.com/6115-humans-walk-flat-footed.html )

It's the wolf in me that encourages me to stay active and healthy. Wolves can cover great distances. I'm no athlete, but I am also no stranger to long hikes or physically hard work. Wolf's needs to be healthy and ready to take on the challenges of day to day life. Unhealthy wolves die. I aim to survive. That's my mentality.

Wolf is in how I move throughout my day. Wishing I could twitch my ears and turn them towards sounds. It's how I stretch and shake my entire body when I feel the need to.

I do enjoy taking off the human mask and being outdoors in nature. As many fellow Therians have said before, being an animal-person gives us a different perspective on life. We understand the world differently.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Christmas party for the courier company that my mate and I have both been working with. There is a small room filled will three round tables for everyone. When I first arrived, there were only three tables, almost completely filled. My mate and I took the last available seats. Our backs are to the door and most of the other people there. These round tables are so socially awkward! Then, the staff realizes that there is supposed to be another table in the room. They begin to set up the forth table, squeezing it in as more people arrive. I felt trapped and boxed in. I was a little anxious and felt as if I shouldn’t be there. I wasn’t familiar with anyone else sitting at this table, and felt very awkward. But a couple alcoholic drinks fixed that. And dinner. The food was awesome. I probably scarfed it down quickly in wolf-like fashion, but I didn’t care. I tried to pace myself. Some of the humans at the same table were done eating full plates of food just as quickly. It turned out to be a good time. That’s my Wolf Therianthrope experience for the night. I’m having another drink at home after the taxi ride home. Tequila. And playing some Minecraft with my mate. G’night.
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I saw a group of ravens in the cul-de-sac where I stopped to make a delivery at an apartment building on the end of a street. Maybe these ravens are there often. Maybe not. I honestly can’t recall having seen them at this location on any other Sunday. I happened to have some doughnuts which I’d purchased with my tea before the beginning of my shift. It did cross my mind that feeding the ravens, even a plain doughnut which I had, might not be healthy for them, but it’s what I had to offer in that moment. I took a small piece and decided to share. I wanted to take that opportunity. Not often do I get the chance, and I certainly won’t make a habit of it.

No sooner had I thrown the first tiny piece, than a car came down the street and parked nearby. The lady who got out started on me immediately. “You’re causing trouble for the seniors who live in the building. They won’t be able to sit outside and enjoy themselves without being bothered by these birds now. You shouldn’t be feeding them. It’s inconsiderate.” Honestly, I’m at this building every Sunday morning, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone sitting outside. There aren’t any chairs. No one in this building has a lawn, porch, or balcony. The woman sounded like the typical person who sees any creature other than another human as a nuisance and a pest that should be eradicated.

I had continued to toss little pieces of doughnut all the while she was nagging me. The ravens ignored her too. I always think of good comebacks after the situation is over, but if I could, I would tell that woman that I was communing with my gods. This thought was a rebellion against her ignorance and anthropocentric view of the world. It was a rebellion against the self-defeating, intrusive thoughts that wanted to enter my mind along with her criticizing. If anything, that woman’s words strengthened the idea of the ravens being god-like. I understand that they are just wild creatures, but sharing a small pinch of doughnut was a rare and important moment for me. Afterwards, I felt a reverence for the ravens and the world around me. A couple trees, adorned in bright orange and yellow, caused me to be awestruck. I considered those trees and all trees around me to be gods.

Gods and spirits like offerings. People who follow major religions go to commune often, sometimes multiple times a week. I must also make time and take opportunities to connect with the spirits around me. I doubt that the ravens will bother anyone there. People who already have a bias against them will continue to complain every chance they get. The ravens won’t stay there all day every day waiting for handouts. Ravens move around during the day. Like I said, I won’t make a habit of feeding the animals. I know that wild animals who become habituated to people can cause a lot of harm. It usually ends up with the animals dying too. I certainly wouldn’t do something like leave out food hoping a bear came along. That would be foolish. I usually over-analyze stuff, and thought that sharing a piece of doughnut with the ravens once would not cause any harm.

Later in the day, while still feeling reverent towards the trees and the natural world around me, I thought of how delusional it is that humans think a god made them in its image. Would a god care about such things? Why would a god want to look like a hairless ape? Why would it not?

My gods shape-shift. They can be anything they choose to be, from a raven to a tree. Therefore, the natural world in all its glory should be respected, including all creatures. Christians and members of other religions are supposed to fear their gods. Why? I think it would be more sensible if humans remembered that they are supposed to have a fear of the powers of nature instead of a supernatural being. But fear isn’t the right word. Fear goes hand in hand with ignorance. Ignorance has caused humans to get the idea that the natural world can be enslaved, broken, ignored, and paved over. However, we are seeing consequences to that. 

We need to stop praying to a god that we can’t interact with in the physical world. We do need to take responsibility for the damage that we are doing to the world around us. Humans need a relationship with what’s real. We stopped communing with the gods all around us that we can see and touch, but that needs to be reversed. Our ancestors didn’t have satellites and technology to tell them about the weather, but they could predict it just as well, if not better. They had a more intimate relationship with the world.

It’s time to start up conversations again. We need to form a better relationship with the earth again so that we respect its power. This planet is our Eden if we chose to restore it. This planet is our Heaven if we chose to make it so. In order to make that happen, we must drop the anthropocentric views and treat all life equally. After all, did not the gods of major religious supposedly create everything? Why would a god favor only one of its creations over all the others? Most humans need to start thinking differently. They might start to realize that they are no more or less important than anything else.

So, there’s an experience and ramble of the day—an odd bundle of my thoughts.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 You may have read “From Human to Beast” ( ulfrvif.dreamwidth.org/7882.html ) but I'd felt the need to write about that part of my life again, explain it in a different way, from another perspective that might help others understand.

To remove the wolf from myself would be to destroy myself. Wolf is integral, so intertwined within my being that it's just who and what I am. Denying the wolf caused pain and depression in the past. I won't do that again.

I am the product of seven to eight years of mental, emotional trauma, abuse, and neglect. My choice was survive or die. My Therianthrope identity is partially an unconscious defense mechanism. But I think the wolf was always within me, lurking, waiting to escape. The depression and suicidal thoughts altered the function and wiring of my brain, making a way for the wolf to come out.

The wolf is what survived. There is some human remaining. Enough for me to function as human. I am the product of needing a family, a role model, and only finding the spirit of a dead pet wolf-dog to comfort me. I looked up to wolves and other canines. I wanted the family structure that they had. In a way, I am the product of imprinting on wolves during my vulnerable teenage years because most of the humans around me were poor examples.

I am a survivor. I am the product of survival instinct clawing and gnashing its way out of a human body in the form of a wolf as I pressed the blade to my skin and drew blood. I hoped that I wouldn't wake up every morning for seven to eight long, hellish years. But I did wake up. And I called the instinct of perseverance, Wolf. I called the determination and stubbornness, Wolf. Wolf is what rose to the challenge during the bad years of my life. Wolf is permanent.

I am both a spiritual and psychological Therian. I mentioned before that I think wolf had always been within me. I do believe that I have been a wolf in a past life as well. The soul within me has always been wolf. But I probably would not have awakened in this life if not for the need to survive. If not, the wolf within would have been content to remain dormant. Or maybe it would have come out anyway. The possibilities are many, but I don't concern myself with the what-ifs. I just know what has occurred and what is.

I am the product of being raised Christian. Of feeling guilt at a young age when I had done nothing wrong. I am the product of being hollowed out by that guilt, fear, depression, and other negative emotions that haunted me. What filled the hollowed core of my being was wild and primitive. It thrashed and bared its teeth and growled at the feelings that caged me. The wolf defied those things. Stood up to them, and told them that they would not be my masters. Wolf had no written rules or laws. Only the laws of nature. Christianity would no longer shackle me.

My mind, heart, and soul required fresh air, and the space to run free. Becoming wolf offered me the chance. Actually, a second chance at life. Becoming wolf gave me the strength and fortitude to face each day. Wolves and other wild animals don't wish and hope for death. Their instincts make them do everything necessary to avoid death. I am wolf now. I fought back chronic depression and suicidal thoughts for years without resting. Wolf won. Wolf Survived.

I am human because of the wolf. And wolf because I am human. They are one and the same. One cannot be or exist without the other. I am the result of needing to accept the duality of being human. There is an animal inside. I had to get to know that animal-side better to keep living.

Wolf Daughter
September 10, 2016

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 I've come to feel as if my therianthropy is both spiritual and psychological. This is my story, recently written. Feel free to ask questions and leave comments.

I was once a normal, happy, ignorant human child. Youth is shed painfully. Certainly in my case. My first hard lesson came at the age of nine. I tried to show care, concern, and love for a puppy. My mother scolded me and told me not to cry. She said that if I ever cried like that again, she would take that dog away from me. Those words crushed my soul. They killed any true happiness or love in me.

Why get attached to another being if showing any emotional connection to it will result in someone ripping it away from me? I would never have the ability to properly form attachments, make friends, or truly know love. Sure, I have a mate, but to this very day I sometimes question my feelings. I question their authenticity. Are they real? Are they true? I try not to question too much or think of it too often. But mimicry is a major tool for survival. Do I mimic the actions of one in a loving relationship? I don't have the answer.

Even if I can express emotions better after several years of healing, I'm still afraid that my attachments might not be healthy ones. But again, thinking too much only makes it worse.

I suffered depression for months after being told to bottle up my emotions. I suffer to this day. Next my humanity was slowly, agonizingly chipped away. The hell created by my parents went on for seven or eight long years. It continued long after they divorced. Every day of those years was filled with my parents fighting and arguing. I was surrounded by verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. During those years, I think my father asked me once if I was okay. Every night I thought of ending my life. My parents taught me, for the second time, that love did not exist. It was fake. Only anger, hate, distrust, and disappointment are true emotions.

I was broken. I did not allow myself to give in to any emotions. Except when they escaped in rare uncontrollable outbursts. Those outbursts drew too much attention and landed me in more trouble. So, I pushed emotions down deeper into darker corners of my mind. I had no relationships in high school. I trusted no one. I was as anxious and wary as a caged animal as I sat in classrooms. I was a tormented beast that wanted out of my own mind and body.

After one outburst, I was sent to the high school's councilor. I spoke with her three or four times. Then, my mother found out. My mother said that I had no right to talk to other people about her and my father's private problems and private lives. I also took it as being reprimanded again for having emotions and for seeking help with them because they were becoming darker and more destructive. I stopped visiting the councilor. To feel only brought me scorn.

How does a teenager survive all of this? How did I think of suicide every night and day for years and not attempt the the act? How did I wake up and walk through another day filled with depression, self-loathing, anger, and hate? I also had no relationships simply to protect anyone I thought I cared about. I kept them at a distance to protect them from the damning darkness that seethed inside of me. I was worthless. I knew I was incapable of caring or truly loving another person. Why even try? Love was a joke. My parents taught me well. Love did not exist.

Why didn't I give up, with nothing good to live for? Humans are animals. They have basic survival instincts. They just don't admit to being so base. I had nothing else. Without emotion and higher feelings, I became a beast.

That puppy which my mother had told me not to cry over had been a wolf-dog. By forcing us apart my mother brought us together in a way that she could never have imagined. By separating us, my mother actually made that wolf-dog my only reason to exist. Somewhere deep down inside my sick mind, I latched onto the idea that the wolf-dog was my pack and only true family. Even after his mysterious death at only two years of age, I felt as if he was the only one who had ever cared for me. He had been my brother and mentor. That wolf-dog taught me everything I know. A wolf-dog saved this wretched human and with his help, through hell's fire, this soul and mind have been forged into those of a wolf. A beast of survival.

Every day I thought about suicide was a day of perseverance. The wolf in me knew that the famine wouldn't last forever. Every day was just about blending in, acting as normal as possible so no one got suspicious and asked questions. I tried to hide the chaos inside. It was chaotic suppressing emotions while becoming less human and more wolf with each passing day. Again, I protected those around me from this chaos by keeping them at a distance, even pushing them coldly away. But I was surviving. My human brain struggled against the beast growing and taking over. Buy my spirit was beginning to shine through the darkness.

Here, I will throw in another facet of this experience and transformation. In the beginning, I had called myself a Christian. I feared God. I feared being damned and going to hell. It's what led me to hate myself. I was born a sinner. I thought I had read somewhere that children of divorced parents were damned and sent to hell. So, my life was hopeless. My soul was irredeemable. Why was I trying? Why not kill myself since I was damned anyway?

But wolf doesn't think that way. Wolf survives. Wolf does not need to be saved by anyone. I came to realize that there was no Jesus or God. No one was going to save me. Only I could help and save myself. If anyone is responsible for helping to save me, it was, of course, a wolf-dog. Discarding the concept that I was predestined to spend an eternity in hell for my parents' decisions started a reaction that has slowly dissolved a lot of pain. That also led to the wolf being a more free, confident, and powerful being.

The wolf within me was actually the light in the darkness. I saw my physical human form as ugly. I was not desirable. I was weak and sickly. Stress and depression ravage the body and can cause long-term health problems. Through the years, I went to several doctors. Each doctor gave a different diagnosis. Mononucleosis. Irritable bowel syndrome. I could be doubled over from the pain of ovarian cysts. I was anemic and had no energy. A weak wolf does not survive, but the wolf in me was strong and beautiful. I never turned to smoking, alcohol, or drugs during those challenging years of my life. The wolf within forced me to make healthier choices. I began to eat better food and exercise. I got stronger to survive. To this day, not being active enough and eating poorly causes IBS and cyst flare ups. But I manage them.

I still struggle with emotions. But wolves are emotional beings. Wolves are pack animals. They form bonds with others. I am still wary of other humans and don't really trust anyone. Other than my mate, I still don't have any friends. I still just go through my days trying to blend in and look normal. Being a wolf is what makes me a decent human being. Believe it or not, canines and other creatures have systems of morality and fairness. If not for becoming a wolf, the hateful person that I had been would have started to hurt herself and others on purpose.

Believe it or not, my mind is not so sick anymore. I said I still suffer from depression, but I attribute that to being human. I've never taken any medication for depression. I see it like the waves of the ocean. They come and go. Depression rises up and falls down on a regular basis. I'm learning to manage depression along with my other health problems. Being mindful is the key. I am much better off as a wolf that I ever was as only a human. I hated myself enough over the years. I don't hate myself now. I am content with being this beast. This wolf is content with being a survivor instead of a suicide.

Addition:
My parents actually have a good friendship after being divorced for a few years, and I have a fairly good relationship with them.

Wolf Daughter
December 12, 2015

Bear Dream

Oct. 7th, 2010 12:07 am
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
My mate and I were walking along a two-lane road through the woods. Soon, we reached the edge of a small town. We approached a couple of kids, and they pointed out a mother black bear and her three young cubs. The mother and one of the cubs was in a yard eating berries from a bush near a house. The two other cubs were on the other side of the road, afraid to walk across the hard pavement.

I slowly made my way across the street, around some trees and shrubs, and got behind the two cubs. I waved my arms in the air and made loud noises. The cubs became more afraid of me and joined their mother and sibling. I was content and found myself back and my mate's side. We watched the bears quietly, but the mother was becoming nervous as more people gathered around.

She began to lead her cubs away from the house when a crowd of people arrived. This part of the dream was less clear, but these people must have harassed and frightened her. They didn't want her near the town. I think she had started for the woods on the other side of a field. She was leaving, but the people continued to follow her, yelling and screaming. They went too far. She must have turned around and charged at them because she felt the need to protect herself and her cubs. I know that no human was harmed. Her charge was brief before she turned and ran for the woods again, following her cubs. But a man had a gun. He shot her in the back of the head.

I was horrified at what was happening. So many people were yelling and screaming. The man that shot her saddled his horse. He tied a rope around her neck, and disrespectfully dragged her body back to the yard. Other people patted him on the back, congratulating him, and thanking him. I was disgusted. How could they brag about what they had done?

This innocent bear was dead. Her cubs were alone and would probably starve. I was beginning to cry as I stared at the limb body, which had been filled with life and love. She had only been feeding her family and trying to protect them. I stared at the bloody hole in her head. I saw the shattered skull. I was crying as I walked over to her. I kneeled down next to the body. I hugged her and ran my fingers through her fur. I closed her eyes. Many of the people around me were confused at my actions, but I felt like my own mother had been killed. I didn't care what they thought.

Thankfully, not all of the people there were celebrating the bear's death. Natives had arrived. They were moved by my tears. They brought offerings, moved the bear to a proper location, and began to build a pyre around her. Drummers and dancers appeared. They began to dance and sing. The man responsible for the bear's death and many other people wandered away, thinking the ceremony was silly. I watched as the body burned into the night, my mate holding me close and offering me comfort.

Near the end of the dream a strange man walked over to me. He looked mostly white, but I understand that the Natives respected him for his knowledge, beliefs, and way of living, which was similar to their own. He looked me in the eye. His voice was sincere. “There aren't many people like you left in the world who feel connected to the animals. And the time you've spent with wolves truly makes your spirit unique. Don't forget that.” He slowly walked away. I had never seen this man before. How did he know about the wolves?

The Natives continued to dance and sing to the drums. The fire continued to burn, setting the bear's spirit free from the physical body. My dream faded into blackness, then gray, and I slowly woke up. The dream was vivid and left me with a strange feeling. It was very powerful and emotional. I suppose its lesson and meaning will reveal themselves to me on a future date.
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
Second Chance

They want me to stay.
Their words held me back years ago,
Their words try to convince me now,
But the memories of this place are
      Filled with Pain
      Filled with Fear
      Filled with Regret
I vowed not to endure again.
Everything threatens to trap me here.
And I don't deserve a second chance.

But my spirit beckoned me
      To a distant place
      Where I found a missing part of myself.

He wants me to live.
His words set me free each day,
His words call to me gently,
And new memories are forming
      Filled with Happiness
      Filled with Promises
      Filled with Love
We vowed to protect forever.
Everything leads to freedom there.
And I have been given a second chance
      To fix my mistakes
      And not take Love for granted.

Wolf Daughter
January 22, 2010
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
A wealthy royal family lives in seclusion from the impoverished world below their ornate palace. The prison is nothing but a barren fenced in field, with no shade or shelter from the elements, where wrongfully accused peasants slowly die. Beyond the barren field an untouched forest holds promises of freedom and a new life.
“Shut up,” I grumble under my breath at the two clumsy men trying to cut the magically electrified fence. “I don’t know how you managed to get back here without being noticed.”
“We’re not getting out of here,” another woman beside me said with her arms crossed and a bored look on her face.
A third man appeared. “You should be able to cut it now. Hurry up.”
They begin to cut the fence with large sheers, but don’t get very far before patrolling guards come around the corner and shout. The men run for their lives towards the forest. I run too, heading for the end of the prison. With the charge still disabled, I scramble over the fence, along with the other woman who had been beside me. Other prisoners, those with the strength to run, have also rushed the fence.
I catch up with the three men, and the five of us continue running for the forest. A steep hill blocks our path, but we are determined to escape and start to climb. Half way up, an alarm sounds from the prison. Screams come from the stragglers seconds later as a deadly spell, resembling a wall of water, crashes down on them. We don’t stop and climb the spruce covered hill high enough to avoid the first magical attack, but we know another will soon follow. We reach the top and quickly scramble down, sliding on dry needles that cover the ground and stumbling over dead branches.
I’m startled by a noise behind me like a horrendous wind blowing through the trees. I turn around to see what’s going to kill me. To my surprise, a native woman with long black hair dressed in deer skins stands in front of me. She glows with a white light that holds back another magical attack. She takes a few steps forward and stretches out her arms. That’s when I notice the limp body of a juvenile white wolf. I wonder if it is wounded or asleep.
The woman speaks in a soft, wise voice. She tells me to take the wolf and that it will protect me. I reach out to accept the wolf. The light around her grows brighter, more intense, and it envelops me as I shut my eyes. When the light suddenly disappears, I open my eyes again only too see the sky through the tree limbs. My friends call out to me from the bottom of the hill. Their voices bring me out of my stunned state, and I dash down after them.
We ran through the woods for a few minutes and broke through to the shore of a lake. A large tall ship constructed of a golden-colored wood and golden sails was anchored near the shore. No other people seemed to be around. The ship was unguarded. We went aboard to search for food and supplies. Two of the guys went below. The other, along with me and the other woman stayed on deck. (Sadly, I don’t remember any names from my dream.) The other woman suddenly began to yell from the helm. “It’s moving on its own! I can’t control it!”
The ship had detached itself from the moorings and moved out into deeper water. The other two men rushed back to deck. “I can’t control it!” the woman yelled again, unable to move the wheel. There was nothing we could do to stop the ship, and we were in for an even greater surprise. The golden ship lifted up from the water and took to the air. We were flying over the trees and hills. We didn’t know where the ship was taking us or why, but we had no choice.
 
 
 
 My friends and I had imagined escaping to an endless wilderness, but we quickly realized how wrong we had been. After a few hours of flying, the forest turned into a barren dead landscape. Only patches of brambles and thorns grew, and those looked more brown than green.
The trees were either burned to black charcoal or cut so that only stumps remained. The water changed from clear blue to black, as if the rivers and lakes held tar and oil instead of water. The sky turned from blue to grey. The world was no longer one we were familiar with. We’d had no idea this existed, and we all wondered what had happened. What could have caused the destruction of so much land?
 
 
 
 Our answer revealed itself sooner than we’d hoped. The ship rose over a hill and we were suddenly able to see the form of a massive black city that took up the entire side of a mountain. Below, thousands of people were gathered in front of what was noticeably a ruler of some kind. More noticeable were the number of guards and soldiers in armor and masks with blood red capes shifting in the chilly yet choking breezing.
Gasps and screams could be heard from the huge gathering as the ship passed over them. But the guards kept a strict order. To our dismay, the ship landed near this horrible place, and guards quickly approached us. There was no point in hiding, fighting, or running. We let ourselves be captured without a struggle. As we were pushed through the crowd, we got a glimpse of how ruthless and uncaring this place was.
A woman cried as guards separated her from her husband. She screamed. “Please don’t take him away! Don’t make him do those things.” The man did not fight back. He hung his head and faded into the crowd, being taken from his family for some unexplained reason to be a slave.
We were not chained or shackled, but blood red robes were placed on us. The hoods covered our faces. A wide path was open before the ruler. We were positioned in the middle in a V-shape with me strangely in the center, at the apex. The guards shoved us down, forcing us to kneel.
I was the closest to the throne. I lifted my head slightly to see past the dark hood which obscured my vision. What appeared to be a young woman in a light grey dress sat on a black throne. I had never seen her before, yet something inside me said I knew her. I felt immense anger and hatred, as if she had taken everything from me and had destroyed all I had loved. I felt as if I wanted revenge on this woman. I felt as if I wanted to kill her.
She spoke in a commanding tone. “One of you is hiding your true self. You can either reveal yourself or my servants will do so. They can sense the difference in consciousness.”
Other woman moved from beside the throne and approached us. I felt as if I should know what she was talking about. I sensed that my friends were confused and didn’t know what she meant. That left me.
Suddenly a servant was behind me. A hand grasped my shoulder. I was jolted as the woman’s mind entered mine with a shock of pain. And memories flooded me. I remembered. I knew my true self.
I stood up, unafraid. I lifted my head and boldly pushed back the hood, looking the witch in the eye. “I’m the wolf therian. I’m the one you want.”
The witch smiled a sinister smile. “You are the one I’ve been hunting.” She stood and took a couple steps towards me. I tensed. Adrenaline filled my veins, and I reacted on instinct. Without much thought, I charged at her, throwing off the robe as I ran. As I did, I partially transformed into a wolf. My hands became paws. My face elongated into a muzzle. My teeth grew longer and sharper. It felt as if I were stronger, and fur covered most of my body.
The witch screamed and lifted her hand to cast a spell. I dodged to the side, placed my feet firmly under me, regained my balance, and leaped. An invisible force slammed me to the ground, knocking the air from my lungs. I was disoriented. I felt a weight on my chest as the witch placed a foot on me and prepared to strike with a dagger.
I rolled, throwing her off balance and to the ground. I didn’t waste the opportunity and pinned her down. I snarled, showing my fangs. I wanted to sink them into her thin pale neck. Rage boiled inside of me. Every muscle was drawn tight.
“Kill me,” she hissed, staring at me with cold silver eyes.
But I hesitated. Would anything really change if I killed her now?
“You can’t kill me,” she laughed. “You’re too weak.”
A soldier stepped up beside us and a blow to the back of my head made me go limp. I wasn’t completely unconscious, but I was paralyzed. I saw my friends in the distance, huddled together in fear and surrounded by guards. I briefly wondered what would happen to them because I had failed. I wanted to tell them I was sorry for not being strong enough. My eyes slowly closed and everything went black as soldiers dragged me away.

~~~

A light breeze made ripples on the water of a lake. The reflection of a half moon shimmered. My friends and I were relaxing on a veranda. It was quiet and peaceful. But I began to feel as if things were out of place. How did I get here?
The moon in the sky shimmered too. A ring of colors appeared and swirled around it. I felt pulled in as if my insides were also being twisted.
“Are you okay?” the guy closest to me asked. “You look sick.”
I was sick. Lights flashed before my eyes like fireworks. Sparks bounced across the water of the lake. Finally, I could take the disorientation no longer. I went to the rail and threw up. Thick green liquid was ejected from inside me, and my head started to clear. The illusion before my eyes broke and faded away. Memories returned again, in such a rush that I gagged and threw up more of the green liquid.
With my head clear, and a spell broken, I began to tell my friends the truth. They soon felt sick and purged their bodies of the mind controlling substance. Once they were returning to themselves, old feelings rose to the surface within me. I had an unfinished task to complete. I felt the need for revenge.

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
I find myself on a journey.

In an unfamiliar place on every level of existence.

Thrust here by events outside of my control.

Emotionally wavering between nothing and everything, mentally juggling emptiness, voids in thought and those times when thoughts fire so rapidly I can’t hold onto them all. Some ideas slip away never to be found again. Others remain and imbed themselves, never to leave. Physically cycling from restless energy to exhaustion. Moments when I feel like anything is possible to moments when each breath is surely my last. But I place one foot before the other. I do take another breath. I continue my journey.

A journey that every wolf takes, and if their trials can teach me anything, it is that all of my experiences are real. Every emotion, thought, and doubt is necessary.

I may not know where I am going or what my goal is, but I will discover it along the way…as I wander, at times seemingly without direction or purpose, sometimes looking over my shoulder at the past as I stray back into old habits, I find truth.

Without realizing it, certain ideas and beliefs attach themselves to my being, become part of me. As the journey goes on, these beliefs will manifest in my actions. I will act without thinking, guided by principles which have lodged themselves deep within my heart and soul.

And once I do realize what I am, what I truly believe, and my goal or purpose is clearly before me, I will be able to fight and die if necessary for what I hold dear, without any fear or regret.

So I am reminded that I am in the developmental stage of my journey. The end or conclusion, if there is one, lies far over a distant horizon that is not even within my sight…and won’t be for a long time.

One foot goes in front of the other…and sometimes I’m even running.

Events may happen along the way that threaten to break my spirit. Continuing may seem impossible, when some beliefs are shattered, faith crushed, and loyalty betrayed, but those things can be found again…but only if I keep going. There is no such thing as giving up. May that idea be permanent.

Even if I deny some truths for a while, the ones I need will repeat until I begin to accept new possibilities.

And what if I misinterpret the signs? How long could I waste time going in circles before I run out of time to learn the truth? What if I’m wrong and believe the lies instead of the truth? What if I become blind? How far can I stray and still be able to redeem myself? Is there a point at which a soul can no longer be reclaimed or saved from a darker path? .

But I said there was no giving up. There is no point at which forgiveness can not be obtained…from others and from within myself. Sometimes we must stray to learn lessons and find the truth.

So even through darkness and uncertainty, when I feel torn apart, I must not stop…even when I question every action and word, when everything is out of my control, and I feel like everything is wrong…I must not give up.

That is actually the point at which I could run the farthest, shine the brightest, and be the strongest and fiercest to show the world what I am and prove that I don’t lay down and die on command when things get hard.

And if I did find out that I was following only lies…what would I do? If everything was taken from me…what would I do?

Would my journey start over? Could I really keep moving forward? Or should I look back, shift through the past to find where I veered off course? Maybe the hardest trial is facing myself…breaking down all the barriers…making myself vulnerable in order to reach out… find hope…the tiniest grain of truth to lead me to a new beginning.

Wolf Daughter
February 20, 2009

The Cave

Aug. 19th, 2008 11:10 pm
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
My dream from last night still has me wondering about all the symbolism and meaning that was possibly included. It is a dream that I will think about often in the days, weeks, and possibly months to come.

I don't remember all of the dream. The first half is unclear or forgotten. I know I was in a Native American village. An elder or shaman was guiding me through the village. He pointed out objects, herbs, and other things which were important as we walked. I might have met several people, but I only remember the warrior. After we had met, he began to follow the shaman and me.

The day was sunny with a few clouds, and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the nearby oak trees. The seasons were changing, like they are now, and fall was approaching.

The shaman led me and the warrior to a river. A canoe waited there for us. The warrior stepped in first and took up a paddle. It was his duty to ensure my safe journey. I also got into the canoe, but the shaman was not going with us. He pointed at a cave nearby that went deep into the opposite bank. 

The shaman said, "To understand the meaning of life and to know your true self, you must first die and be reborn. You must go there and face your fears."

The warrior began to paddle across the river towards the cave. As we entered and the light faded, the dream came to an end.

I don't think the shaman was refering to an actual death. Entering the cave is more likely symbolic, like a vision quest. It is a time of reflection. I agree with the shaman that I have fears which I need to face. They are holding me back and keeping me from having as fulfilled a life as possible. Some little fears are faced each and every day. But I know of some larger fears that will come later in the future. They all have a proper time at which I will need to confront them.

Wolf Daughter 
August 19, 2008

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
This dream began at college, in class, with some people that I know. Later, we were at the beach, and that's when it got a little strange. I walked away from the others and was exploring the beach. Many people were there swimming and playing, doing ordinary activities. I changed into a wolf, and no one seemed to notice as I walked along, heading up a large dune.

As I approached the top, the sand didn't feel the same under my feet. I lowered my nose to the ground and smelled a terrible odor. Flocks of seagulls and other birds clearly stayed there often. The sand was covered with their feces. It made me uneasy and hesitant, but I moved forward. At the top of the dune, I saw a bird on its nest. I wanted to chase it, but I stopped myself. Something wasn't right. The bird should have been more alert, and it should have flown away. I was able to get a little closer and saw that the bird was malformed and sick. I kept my distance and moved on.

A few other interesting events occurred on the beach, but I don't want this description to be too long. So I will skip to the part where the dream environment changed. I was now running along a paved road through some woods. I startled a deer and once again wanted to take chase. But something told me not to as it leaped deeper into the trees, away from the road. I think the deer might have also seemed a little sick, like the bird.

As I continued to run, the trees became smaller. They appeared to be young, but I think it was because the soil was bad, not allowing them to grow properly. A large truck, loaded with recently cut trees, entered the road ahead of me. The sounds it made frightened me. The fumes from the truck, of diesel and grease, filled my nose. I coughed and felt choked. I was saddened by the sight, but kept running. Even though the truck disappeared, the smells lingered in the air. Something also wasn't right about the trees and plants. They all looked unhealthy. I began to feel scared and unsure of where I was.

That's when a large black wolf appeared from the woods. He took the lead in front of me, and I had confidence in him. I recognized this wolf as my spirit guide, who has appeared in many of my dreams before. I stayed close to him, pushing myself to run faster when I fell behind. I didn't want to loose my guide. I needed to show him that I could keep up with his pace.

The road became rough and deteriorated. There was no longer forest to either side. It has been replaced by thick growth of brambles and weeds, as if the land had been clear-cut. As I followed my guide, we started to meet sad, dejected wolves along the way. Each was curled up tightly on the ground, as if they had lost their will to live and were simply waiting to die.

Each time we came to one, my guide would touch his muzzle to the other and lick the wolf, encouraging it to get up. My guide was trying to restore their spirits, and he was asking them to join us. Soon, a pack had formed behind me as we ran and followed the black wolf.

But the landscape grew increasingly dark. It wasn't ordinary clouds that kept the sun from shining. It was smog and filth that filled the air. The ground turned to slick mud. All the plants were wilted and on the verge of death, struggling to live in the putrid environment. At this point, my guide slowed his pace. He carefully stepped on leaves, remaining patches of grass, and anything that helped keep his feet from sinking deep into the mud. "Watch your step," he warned us. "The ground here is poison."

We continued forward slowly. I don't know our destination. I don't know why we were in such a place. Perhaps it was our duty to find the source of the pollutants and try healing the land.

I've also thought that the landscape might reflect something inside of myself that needs to be cleansed and healed. But there is hope in my dream. In previous dreams when my guide had appeared, I had been unable to follow him to where he was going. This time I was able to run and keep up with him. But I also shouldn't ignore the warning he gave me. I need to be cautious and watch my step.

Wolf Daughter
July 19, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
The shrill sound of a hawk's call woke me up today. For many hours its cry periodically filled the air. Each time, my heart beat a little faster as if with anticipation of the Unknown. The hawk's voice was moving and powerful, but I went outside and also watched the bird of prey circle above the trees. It moved so easily and gracefully in the wind. Its freedom inspired my spirit, and I felt elation at the sight of the effortless glide. As I stood there, I noticed the hawk's wing movements changing.

A special display was about to be performed. The hawk folded its wings close to its body, remained suspended for a blink of the eye, and began to free fall. As the dive began, my heart raced with the hawk in a flood of joy and adrenaline. I almost couldn't believe I was witness to this beautiful act of nature as the hawk transformed into a plummeting white speck as its feathers reflected the afternoon sun.

I wondered what it would be like. Did the hawk understand that the dive could be the difference between life and death as it aimed for a potential meal? The precise, instinctual movements of the hawk were amazing to watch. I have glimpsed this sacred event and feel blessed. This day has been a blessing, and I am thankful.

As a totem the hawk symbolizes power, magic, and it serves as a messenger between this world and the spirit realm. It holds the key to a higher level of consciousness. The hawk awakens vision and inspires a creative life purpose. It reflects a greater intensity of energy within life: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual forces.

The shrillness of Hawk's call pierces the state of unawareness and asks us to seek the truth.

Hawk tells us to remember that all gifts are equal in the eyes of the Great Spirit.

Wolf Daughter
July 16, 2008
ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)
 This dream was a series of events. There were jumps and and skips in the dream, but I believe it was all linked together. I’m not exactly sure in what order things happened, so I will try to remember what I can.

A middled-aged man and woman are looking for someone or something. They talked to other people, asking for directions. This couple had a younger woman with them, and I believe she was me. I am the woman because I see from her point of view. We eventually find a couple men to help us. We are in a vehicle when we come to a shopping center. The lights are going off. The store is closing, and people are scurrying to purchase food. Others are stealing it and running away. The men helping us also steal some food.

Maybe I should go backwards though. I remember a part of the dream where I’m in a dim room like a bar, except it’s mostly empty. There is one counter where a couple guards sit. I’m at a lone table, sitting and coloring a drawing. I have a backpack next to me. At the back of the room, I sense another person. He is completely in shadow. I can’t see him, but I don’t like how he makes me feel. I know he is watching me. I start to feel like it is time to leave. I believe I entered the place willingly, but I could be wrong. It’s also possible that I was being held captive, because I sneak out during a disturbance. The guards go outside to check on something they have seen on surveillance cameras.

Maybe at this point, the older lady and gentleman help me. It’s also at this point that I begin to realize something bad is happening. There is like a war starting, and we look for a safer place to stay.

The man leads us to a house, and he talks to a guard there, convincing him that we are friends of the master or owner of the house. This new man is strange in a way, but he is also kind. I think he is actually someone quite powerful, like a magician or wizard, but those aren’t really the best words to describe him. He always has plenty of food. The chocolate pasteries are my favorites. The oddest and most noticeble thing is the interior of the house. It is all shades of blue. The painter, as I will now call him, continuously repaints the rooms of the house. The shades of blue are the most beautiful, painted in intricate, expressive patterns.

One day as I watch him paint, I ask him why he only uses blue. He says it is because he is poor. That is the only color he can buy, or it is the only color people don’t use often. I tell him that one day, I will buy him more colors. He simply nods and smiles. I think I begin to fall in love with the painter of few words. After being in the house for a while, I begin to understand that he is creating a protective barrier by constantly changing the rooms. All the symbols and patterns he paints change the energy in and around the house. He is keeping us hidden.
Something goes wrong though. The dream does not end peacefully. One day, soldiers find the house. 

The painter tells the older couple and me that it’s not safe any more. The house seems to crumble around us. I remember being on cliffs over a waterfall. The cliffs were breaking apart too because the soldiers were attacking. Then, beautiful, calming music filled my ears. It penetrated my spirit and lifted me upward. I transformed into a bird. I didn’t really have a physical body. I was spirit. I was soaring and flying away from the danger. It was one of the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. It was like flying through a rainbow. I was free! But not for very long. The painter had probably put the spell on me and the couple so we could escape. I did fly for a long distance, but when I turned to fly into space, a voice told me I couldn’t go that far. I had to return.

It’s as if I blinked, and I was flying above the desert. Red mesas and cliffs passed by below me. I was back in my human body. I think the older couple was flying too, but the painter wasn’t there. Someone else had taken his place.

Below, I saw more soldiers on horses. The horses were able to run and jump almost vertically across the mesas and cliffs. They were clearly chasing us. At this point, I understand that some person was trying to take control of the land. In order to accomplish that goal, he needed to find and destroy the powerful protectors of the land. Again, they are similar to wizards. They are strong and use some form of magic and energy manipulation.

I blink again. I’m sitting in a room beside a powerful, dark man. He seems to be cloaked in shadow like a dark silhouette. But I’m not afraid of him. I think I’m actually glad to be there. But I’m also feeling guilty. By being there, I have put this man at risk. The person trying to conquer the land has found this shadowed man’s hidden fortress. He is using his energy to keep us safe, but the soldiers are breaking through his defenses. The rooms shake. I see the older couple there too, across the room. They have done their best and protected me as long as they could, but they can’t do anything against the combined strength of all the soldiers. 

My new protector, the stranger beisde me, has his arm tightly around me. I feel tired and my head is on his shoulder. I’m causing him to be in danger. His face comes close to mine. A hood he wears puts me in shadow too. He holds a device that shows the remaining strength of the defenses around the fortress. The number of green bars decreas as explosions cause more shaking damage.

We don’t have much time he says in a deep, calm voice. The soldiers are coming soon, but he seems unafraid while I tremble. But I could be trembling because he is closer to me now. He puts away the useless device he had to monitor the fortress. His hand clasps mine. Our lips almost touch.

But I still feel guilty for leading the soldiers to this man. I turn to a window and look down on the struggling soldiers. The magic, though weakened, is killing many of them. Horses leap away screaming and rider-less down the red mesa cliffs.

The man is silently, patiently watching me. I face him, and he leans in toward me. Our lips touch tentatively at first. Soon, he is hugging and kissing me strongly.

The soldiers are approaching. The fortress is almost defenseless. Yet this strange man seems unworried. I don’t know what he has planned, but giving up and being captured clearly isn’t part of that plan. Unfortunately, I don’t know what happens next. That’s where I woke up, with intense kisses slowly fading from my lips.

Looking back, I feel like the painter and the mysterious man, dressed in the deepest black and masked in shadow were possibly the same person. Being a painter was possibly a disguise, and the other form showed this man’s true power and determination. It was clear that he is capable of affection and caring for me. However, there was something sad about him. It seemed like I was the only person who ever understood him or accept him for his powers and how he truly was as a person. I also don’t know why I needed the protection, but maybe the tyrant trying to conquer the land knew I was this other man’s love or that he cared deeply for me. Maybe that’s why he was sad and also guilty. His power and resposibility to fight and defend the land had put me in danger.

I could probably some up with some other therories, but I honestly don’t know for sure. It was just a dream. But it was a dream I kind of wish was real. I kind of wish I could have stayed and died beside this man, but maybe I should be careful what I wish for.

*heavy sigh* 

Maybe in some alternate universe that powerful shadowed man is fighting an epic battle. I wish him a glorious victory. Maybe he will come find me one day...


Yeah...Back to reality. I have class work to finish.


Sweet Dreams

ulfrvif: Stylized, Nordic wolf head. (Default)

This journal entry marks the day that I was finally done with being a Christian. It also includes an in depth look into the development of my Therianthropy.

I had two friends. I suspected that the first one didn't believe me. We had an argument last week, and I was right. He doesn't believe people can have animal souls. The second friend believed me for a while. Then, he went overseas on a mission trip. He came back and doesn't believe me. "That's not the way God works," He told me. "I think you are lost and don't want to be found." It was late, and I didn't ask for a further explanation. He doesn't agree with my beliefs, but he did say he respects them. At least that's something.

The first friend acted as if he didn't even want to respect my beliefs. He didn't think I could be happy this way. Well, I told him I couldn't talk to him any more, and I waited for the feelings of loneliness and emptiness to tell me I'd done something wrong. Instead, I felt as if it should have happened long ago, as if he and I had been holding each other back from better possibilities. Now, I think I can move on and prepare for the next stage of my journey.

I'm not mad or angry at either of them. I still wish for their happiness and hope they are blessed in life. Yet, at the same time, I still ask myself some questions and examine some things from my own life again. It's not like I had problems in my life, found a group of people, and decided to be like them to hide or run away from my problems. That's not it at all.

It's true that my parents had problems and are divorced now. That could have made me change. But why change the way I did if I could have picked up the habits and stuff of my friends at school? No, I still wasn't like them either. The wolf came to me, gave me hope and comfort. I didn't believe at first. The wolf disappeared for a while, but it kept returning. I had dreams of the wolf, and it told me I could be happy. I started to accept the wolf as a part of me instead of taking the many other paths set before me. There were so many chances to be someone else, to be "normal," but I guess that wasn't truly me. I accepted the wolf and wanted to learn more. That's when I found others like me.

I guess I'm writing this, because I might be doubting a little. However, I don't think I could ever go back now. If I pushed the wolf away, rejected her, and tried to forget my soul and my beliefs to be more normal, I would be living a lie.

So what's worse - ending a friendship and being myself, or living a lie to please someone else? Does keeping my beliefs make me selfish? I try to imagine being like them, like other humans, ignorant of new possibilities, some never giving their spirits or souls a single thought. I try to see myself acting more like them to fit in, belong, have more friends, and possibly be popular.

But I feel something inside me cringe. It's afraid of those thoughts. I guess it's the wolf in me. She doesn't care about being popular, fitting in, or pleasing people who don't understand. She just wants the freedom to be true to herself and what she believes. And I believe that I'm quite capable of being happy the way I am. I think the more I embrace the wolf within, the stronger and more confident I will become. The wolf is my guide, and it is there to help me.

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