Letting Ideas Flow - Journal Entry - July 23, 2007

[ulfrvif]

*Some mentions of God remain as I still considered myself a Christian when this was originally written.

It stormed this afternoon. The air is cool and crisp outside. I wish I could go outside and run, but I guess I won’t. I don’t have anyone to run with me. That’s really a terrible excuse though – not running because I’m lonely. A lot of wolves are running alone out there. They have to in order to survive. They keep going. And that’s what I plan to do, in my own way. I just hope it leads me to somewhere or something good in the future.

I really started writing this because I wanted to say I’ve been trying to understand my human emotions again. I guess no one will ever be able to understand what they feel or why. I’ve said this before, but it’s come up again. I wish I could live without my emotions. Without the complicated human ones anyway. Because I know wolves must have emotions of some kind, but I guess they would be geared towards survival, the pack, and accomplishing necessary things. I’m sure wolves don’t worry about events they can’t control. I’m sure they don’t have time to waste on imaginary problems or irrelevant things. They probably think only about what is beneficial to the pack. It must be a blessing to be a simple animal. But wolves aren’t really that simple, are they? They have very complex lives too. But somehow they still seem more pure and truly free. God, what have you done? What have you created and why? Did you really put a wolf soul in me?

Well, I said I wouldn’t doubt that any more. But why place a wolf soul in a human? Why trap something so wild, pure, and free inside such an insignificant shell? Maybe it was a mistake instead of planned. Some people say god doesn’t make mistakes, but what if death and rebirth are just random? What if everything is just random? There’s no order in the universe. The wolf in me says that’s silly. Not everything can be random. There is an order or a pattern.

The whole world breathes. Besides, I’m not the only one. Hundreds of people feel like they have an animal soul. I don’t think God or Mother Earth would make that many mistakes. God may have created the Earth and all planets, but I feel as if the Earth is alive. In a sense, she has a free will of her own. God may control some storms, but some are the will of the Earth itself. Forget scientific explanations. That’s just a safeguard. While scientists are busy with their theories, the true believers are people with stronger spiritual understanding. They are the ones searching for the real truth as they get closer to the Earth and God. Not that science is bad. It helps us in some ways, but it does a lot of harm too.

Anyway, that’s interesting to think about, but not really the other thing I wanted to talk about. How does a wolf soul live in a human body? How does it learn to adapt? How do I live a normal life without going insane? Well my life will never be normal, but there are everyday human tasks that must be performed. I’m getting through college classes alright, but I will need a job soon. The freedom that the wolf needs won’t be available any more. I will have less time for daydreaming and running through the snow in my mind. I’m already 20. The time has come to grow up and be more mature. I need to start shouldering more responsibility. I can’t be an adolescent puppy forever. Maybe if I were serious about writing. That could be my release for things outside of work. It’s what I’m doing now. But writing thoughts and problems doesn’t really get me anywhere. Does it? I need to write more of my daydreams as short stories. That might really help me be more creative.

Can I not stay on topic? Oh well, I’m just letting ideas flow. Back to being a wolf in a human world. It’s scary and depressing. Being alone doesn’t help, but I can’t do much about that problem. What we want isn’t always what we need. With that said, there are rules a wolf must follow. As if I haven’t written a lot already – this might take a while. Or maybe I will surprise myself and get to the point and make this short.

Physical contact is essential to the bonds in a wolf pack. Playing and mach fights are important. Grooming each other also reinforces bond between pack members. Is any of this possible in a human world? No. I could never bump into my friends or rub shoulders whenever I wanted. I have more male friends that female. A girl who plays with two or three guys at once will be considered a flirt and probably several other unwanted titles. And what of a female who shows another female that kind of attention? What would other humans see and think? Also, about the guys, they would see the attention as something it’s not, and they would probably get jealous of each other. So, physical contact must be kept to a minimum if unwanted human situations are to be avoided. That really confuses a wolf who understands that touch and play is vital.

Body language is rather complex for humans and wolves. Unfortunately, humans don’t even really understand what they are telling each other half the time. Signals get really mixed up and confused between humans. Wolves know exactly what they are saying with every muscle twitch and every sound. They are probably the world’s best communicators. But being part wolf and part human means I don’t always understand what other humans are saying. I have to be careful to not let any growls or snarls lose when I’m angry. Also, I think I’m a bit more animated with facial expressions than other humans, but I could be wrong about that.

I still wonder why I’m here. I still wonder why I feel like a wolf instead of a human. There are so many things I can’t explain. So many strange thoughts that I can’t grasp. And dreams of wolves. Hopes and wishes that surely, no normal human ever thinks of. Feelings that others probably never have. Internal confrontations between the wants of a human and the duty of a wolf. I don’t want to be here. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my true home. I wish I could run and run forever, until I found what I’m missing.

Or maybe I still haven’t fully awakened. Chief (family's pet wolfdog) woke me up once. For years, I wasn’t sure of what I was on the inside. Then, I realized I wasn’t alone. There are other wolf people in the world. So I’m more sure of my spiritual self. But I’m beginning to feel as if that’s holding me back. Maybe that’s not the right term. But my eyes are still closed. I can’t see completely yet. It’s like there is one final awakening that needs to take place. So I can finally become what I’m meant to be. Then I will understand my purpose. But what’s going to wake me up? How long will I continue to wait? What must I do?

Wolf Daughter