ulfrvif

I am back home from a small private Howl that took place this past weekend. For those that may not know the term, a howl just means a meeting or gathering of Therians in person, in real life. Bax and I traveled to North Dakota to meet two other Wolf Therians there. One actually traveled from Minnesota to meet us. There will hopefully be a more detailed blog later after I process and write down all of my thoughts. I did take some photos, and I recorded a video interview for Therian Nation. However, I want to get an okay to share the photos first. I also need permission to share the final cut and edited version of the video interview before it can go public. I will let everyone know about the progress of that in a couple weeks. Hopefully, it won’t take me any longer than that to put the final video together. 

*Howls*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19UCVej1Wu8

Hi. I’m Shannon Jackson. I’m also known as Wolf Daughter in the Therian community. Recently, I took on the name Ulfrvif (Wolf Woman).

I’m 30 years old. I attended 5 years of university to earn a BFA in graphic design and painting. I’m currently  working full time in that field as a graphic designer and printer assistant. My hobbies include hiking, camping, and canoeing. I enjoy being out in the remote wilderness. I enjoy archery. I also practice HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts), with the main focus currently being on the German longsword.

I am a Wolf Therianthrope. My life is not entirely human. I consider myself to be both spiritually and psychologically a wolf. I think spirit works through and with the physical body, including the brain. I interpret aspects of my mentality and behavior as wolf. I have identified as a Wolf Therianthrope for 17-18 years, since I was 12-13 years old. I’ve never felt like I quite fit in with humans. But I can’t deny that I’m also human. That’s very obvious.

Therianthropy is about existing in two different worlds at the same time. It’s about having two different perspectives on life. I’m human and I’m something else. I actually think it’s really important. The world needs multiple perspectives and diversity. It’d be a really boring place if everybody thought the same, and experienced the same things.

For me, personally, Therianthropy is not about wearing ears, and tails, and looking cute. For me, being a Wolf Therianthrope is about personal power and inner strength. It’s about perseverance in difficult times. For example, wolves can go a long time without eating. It’s about survival. Being wolf is just about raw existence. It is a connection to nature, and a deeper, integral, and instinctual part of myself, the animal within. For me, it means to be tough and rugged. My life hasn’t been kind or easy, and I wouldn’t be alive today, if it wasn’t for tapping into that instinctual part of myself.

Therianthropy does makes navigating and interacting within the human world a bit harder for me. I think Katmandu said it really well in the A.H.W.W FAQ from 1994. 

“We exist in the human world, but long to seek connections with the animal one. We cannot completely leave the human world, nor completely enter the animal one. We are in-between, half animal and half human in psyche…mental or spiritual, shapechangers.”

Wolves are elusive creatures who are wary of humans. This causes me to have some anxiety. Although, wolves are also curious creatures. Being fearful of and inquisitive about people at the same time is a strange dichotomy. It’s a challenge in and of itself that I must deal with every day, but Therianthropy is not about shying away from responsibility. Being a Therianthrope is about taking on life’s challenges head-on with determination.

How do I know that I’m wolf? I seem to be more alert and aware of my surroundings. I’m more attentive to the information that my senses are bringing in. I watch, listen, and smell is also important. The calls and body language of other animals and humans are important.

Think of it this way–humans use phones to constantly be connected to the internet and that web of information. A wolf’s senses and awareness keep it plugged into the environment and all of that information that is available. A tremendous amount of communication takes place in nature between the plants, animals, and the environment.

When I say that Therianthropy is about personal power and raw instinct, it’s also about learning to control and balance that with being human. We can’t escape being human. We have to accept that part of ourselves too. It’s really hard to sum up all of this in a few minutes. It’s really impossible, and everyone has a slightly different experience. But I hope that gives you an idea of what my life is like as a Wolf Therianthrope. Thanks for reading.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

Therianthropy is a deeper connection to myself. Before I go into details, I want to state that none of these sensations, emotions, behaviors, or experiences on their own make me a Therianthrope, but all of these combined together make up my being and my existence as wolf.

Being wolf is mimicking human behavior and daily tasks, such as knowing that I must go to work to eat and provide shelter for myself. I don't like being in the same place for 8 hours a day, but my current job, as a graphic designer and printer assistant actually keeps me busy and physically active. I think of a job as equivalent to needing to roam and hunt as a wolf. In a way, human life is easier and safer, yet I often long for the ruggedness and brutality of the wolf's life.

Mimicking human behavior often causes me to question why I'm performing a task. These human tasks, which should feel normal, often feel alien and strange to me.

I have anxiety about new things and experiences. Wolves are taught what is safe and what is not safe in the environment at an early age. New objects or animals that they haven't seen before cause a mixture of curiosity and cautiousness. This often happens to me. While humans can also experience similar anxiety, they see anxiety as a disorder. I recognize it as instinct, and part of my survival.

Along with anxiety comes some skittishness. I try to control my flinching and little jumps to sounds and sudden movement, but those reactions can't always be covered up. Yes, humans instinctively flinch too, but mine is usually accompanied by phantom canine ears rotating or laying flat against my head. Sometimes, I also feel the longer phantom hairs of hackles standing up and/or a tail bristling as well.

I must control wanting to snarl and growl at people as a way to tell them that I don't feel comfortable. Sometimes, I can't avoid my nose flaring and wrinkling and my brow furrowing. If possible, like any wolf, I will move away and give myself more distance from the person or thing that is suspicious that I do not like. In most cases, however, most humans don't cause that reaction.

I consider myself to be more aware of my surrounds and environment than most humans. I am always listening and looking around me, trying to be aware of changes and new people or objects that come within range around me.

Being wolf is why I can also be one with the silence. I can just be part of the world around me. I don’t always nee to be making noise or having an impact on my surroundings. Most humans on the other hand seem to have a need to constantly be hearing themselves or another human. A TV or music is always on in most homes. I can just sit in silence and observe and absorb my surroundings, usually while in nature, but this often occurs at the workplace as well. I just immerse myself in the hums of computers, the muffled voices of coworkers in other rooms, and their footsteps as they walk through the building. 

Wolf is also why I have patience. Put patience together with being able to sit calmly in silence and just be an observer is what causes the vulnerable member of the herd to reveal itself.

I have a strange knack for unintentionally sneaking up on people and scaring them. I am not particularly quiet or stealthy. Perhaps, these individuals are just distracted. But it still always amuses me. Does this have anything to do with being a wolf? I can't actually say for sure. Maybe it has something to do with unconsciously/instinctively knowing how to approach prey from an advantageous angle like a hunting wolf would. It crossed my mind, so I thought that I would include it. Perhaps other Therians experience this.

Sometimes, I do feel the urge to chase animals that I see like squirrels, rabbits, and deer. But I know that I don't have a chance of actually catching them with this human body, so those animals are usually left in peace.

It's common for people to get upset or moody when they are hungry. I also get this way. Get between me and food when I'm hungry, and I will still restrain myself from growling and biting you, but sometimes I do feel more aggressive around food, especially if I'm hungry.

I enjoy sleeping curled up, as much as human anatomy will allow me to. I wish I had a tail to cover my nose on cold winter nights.

I honestly need to keep something to chew on. I wish I had better options than gum. I don't like ingesting the chemicals and sugars. But it's probably the best option during work.

I find it hard to sit normally in chairs. I often sit on my legs or try to sit cross-legged. And I often find myself leaning forward, the way a dog leans forward to rest on its front paws while sitting. I often get uncomfortable with chairs or car seats touching my back. This makes me feel confined.

Not all of the time, but sometimes I have trouble with speech. I see images in my mind of what I need to tell people about or describe to them, but it's difficult to turn that image into words.

When I was young, my Mother would always tell me to put a hand over my mouth if I was yawning. That was the polite thing to do. I always thought it felt weird. I will unashamedly yawn and roll out my tongue in canine fashion when no one is watching.

I often complain about not having a body covered in fur. I can get cold easily and envy all fur-bearing creatures.

Smells are important to me. I seem to be more mindful of the changing smells around me than normal humans. The scent of my mate is special and important to me. I'll happily admit that I enjoy the smell of his sweat. There is nothing gross about it. There have been times in my life when I wished I could have gotten to know other people in my life by their smell. Recognizing people by their appearance is still important, but I also recognize people by the sound of their voice and their smell. I have to restrain myself from sniffing people around their necks and armpits. That's where the majority of human scent comes from.

Wolves like strong, putrid smells. I know that if I were a wolf, I'd enjoy rolling in carcasses and the urine of my pack so that I smell like them. I go through a strange internal struggle when I come across a horrid smell. The human part of me wants to hold my breath or gag and move away as quickly as possible. The wolf part of me wants to breath deeper and taken in the stench and examine it. I often get the urge to move closer to the source of the smell. I control these urges because finding the source of these smells and getting closer and being exposed to them probably would not be healthy for this human body. The human olfactory nerves are obviously nothing like that of a wolf's, so I wouldn't be able to gain any information from examining the smell any further. 

I wish my teeth were sharper, longer, and stronger. I wish my bite was more powerful. I wish I could crack open and chew on bones.

The previous statement about teeth leads me to food. I wish my body could handle digesting raw meats without getting sick.

I have always enjoyed the company of dogs. Of course, in the wild, wolves and dogs usually do not get along. As a human, I can't be with other wolves, but I can be with dogs. It works out. It's like a compromise.

I do not like to run heal to toe. This has never been natural to me. I've always run on the balls of my feet and my toes. I don't “fox walk” as often as I used to when younger, but sometimes I still do. Although, it's normal for humans to run toes first, a lot of other animals such as dog and cats, also use this motion.

( Interesting related articles: http://www.livescience.com/8053-running-shoes-changed-humans-run.html and http://www.livescience.com/6115-humans-walk-flat-footed.html )

It's the wolf in me that encourages me to stay active and healthy. Wolves can cover great distances. I'm no athlete, but I am also no stranger to long hikes or physically hard work. Wolf's needs to be healthy and ready to take on the challenges of day to day life. Unhealthy wolves die. I aim to survive. That's my mentality.

Wolf is in how I move throughout my day. Wishing I could twitch my ears and turn them towards sounds. It's how I stretch and shake my entire body when I feel the need to.

I do enjoy taking off the human mask and being outdoors in nature. As many fellow Therians have said before, being an animal-person gives us a different perspective on life. We understand the world differently.

Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif

I can draw, paint, be creative.

I love listening to music. I took piano lessons for many years, and appreciate the practice and dedication that it takes to be a good musician.

I can drive a car, which allows me to move faster than I'd be able to run as a human or a wolf.

I can understand how to read and write, and I enjoy these activities.

I enjoy sleeping on my bed, under blankets, and with pillows. Though, I've slept on the ground plenty of times while camping, and I don't mind that either.

I like being able to use technology, such as computers.

I also enjoy watching movies and playing video games.

I've enjoyed unique human activities such as martial arts, HEMA, and archery. Although I see martial arts and wrestling as not unlike wolves play fighting. It's the human equivalent and these activities have helped me express my instincts to fight in a safe and controlled environment.

I enjoy being able to cook food for myself. I have a wider variety of food available to me as a human.

I can have a dog and cat companion without seeing them as threats or food.

I love tea and have tried many varieties. I will drink herbal to black and anything in between.

I can eat chocolate as a human, which would make me sick if I were a canine.

As a human, I'm thankful that I don't need to lick myself clean. Toilet paper is nice. Though, you know, if I were a wolf, I wouldn't really care.

Hot showers and saunas are also amazing.

Hopefully, time permitting, there will be a list of things I don't like about being human. Maybe also a list of things I like/don't like about being a wolf Therianthrope or what I would like about being a wolf.

Stretch your tired,
Stiff human muscles.
Let Spirit set them ablaze.
Wake up, Wolf.
Test the limits.
Spirit is stronger than Flesh.
More powerful than Mind.
Wake up, Wolf.
Flesh and Mind are malleable.
Heat them, shape them.
Spirit is eternal.
Howl, Wolf.

Copyright Wolf Daughter/Ulfrvif August 19, 2016

Dream from June 22, 2008

I was standing in a sandy arena. Other soldiers were lined up on either side of me. A king sat at one end, towards my left. A ceremony was taking place in his honor. The setting seemed to be Medieval from the looks of clothing and armor. I was among the knights and warriors there to protect and serve the king. 

The festivities continued as planned. The king ordered us to march in the arena. Men dressed in bright colors were probably clowns and performers. As the king became drunk, he ordered them to join our ranks and march too. He and the audience laughed and enjoyed themselves.

Until the situation changed. Spectators began to scream and scatter. Enemy soldiers rushed into the arena. They were clearly after the king, but we were alert and prepared. Swords were out in seconds and fighting erupted.

I was right in the middle of it, unafraid. Swords clashed and rang as soldiers grunted and yelled. The arena was also becoming dark. Late afternoon was upon us. Night was approaching, and there was a lot of dust in the air. I fought well. A couple enemies were quickly cut down. More took their place. I parried, spun, and killed another. I grappled with one soldier, threw him to the ground, and finished him.

As I stood and looked for my next opponent, a sword stabbed my chest. With one hand, I held the blade, preventing my attacker from pulling it away. With my sword in the other hand, I fought on fiercely. Soon, after two or three cuts, my foe was down. But I was bleeding, weakened, and stumbling.

I think it was also at this point that I started to feel the wolf within calling to me. My hand was still gripping the sword protruding from my chest. I gritted my teeth, pulled, and the blade slowly emerged, slick with blood. The pain buckled my knees. I fell back. The swords, released from my limp hands, landed beside me.

I remember feeling very much like a wolf during the dream, almost as if I was transformed. A wolf might have also come to watch over me. This most likely happened as I lay on the ground in pain, feeling my breaths get slow and labored as I died.
I saw the fight continue, but it was almost over. There were very few soldiers remaining. The arena was must darker. I felt sand under my cheek and hands. Dead bodies were all around me. As my eyes closed, the feeling of being a wolf was the strongest. I think it is the wolf spirit that would not give up or die. My life was not meant to end there.

I don't know how long I slept or was unconscious. Perhaps it was for centuries. As I opened my eyes, I found myself in a modern setting. To be more specific, I was on the floor of my grandmother's house. I was still in some pain. Slowly, I moved stiff, aching muscles and sat up. A sword was also on the floor, within reach. It frightened me. I looked down at my shirt. There was no blood or hole in the fabric. But when I stretched the collar down, a healing white scar was on my chest.
I carefully stood. I heard my grandmother coming into the house, snatched up the sword, and found a place to hide it. The dream ended there.

The pain and being stabbed had seemed very realistic. Upon waking, I did look at my chest. No white scar, but there is a red rash where one had not been yesterday. Maybe I was bitten by a mosquitoe or something in the night as I slept, causing my mind to fabricate my death. Or maybe it's something more. The mind is powerful, and sometimes what we imagine does have small physical effects on the body. Of course, I can't know for sure. I just try to think of multiple possibilities.

I do believe that this dream is a sign of the strong wolf spirit within. Even when our physical bodies die, the soul remains.

"There is no death. Only a change of worlds." - Chief Seattle, Dwamish Tribe

Wolf Daughter