Excerpts from a Diary 2003-2007

[ulfrvif]

I want to share old writing that has never been shared before. I've gone through all of the old journals and poems and random stuff that I have access to, and I've found about 20-25 documents that I will be sharing in the weeks to come. I'm hoping that this helps give some insight into my personal journey as a wolf Therianthrope.

June 9, 2003

Do dreams mean anything? Are they just a way to get away from the world or do they hint at something? Clues for harsh reality? I don’t want to say they mean nothing, but I’m also afraid to say that dreams do have a meaning to our lives. I’ve been having a lot of them the last few nights. They are of everything. Werewolf chasing me. One that couldn’t be killed

June 19, 2003

The last day or two I’ve called myself a lone wolf. And I kinda like it.

Wednesday August 6, 2003 9:30 P.M.

Something has got to change. Home just isn’t the comfortable warm environment it’s supposed to be. I just want to be somewhere else a lot. I sometimes feel like I don’t belong here. But maybe a lot of teens feel that way. 

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I haven’t written for a year.

By the way, I’d still prefer to be a wolf more than a human. Even before I loved Chief (family's wolfdog), I loved wolves, now just more so. It’s helped me open my eyes and my mind. I see, feel, and react to things so differently from other people. I just seem to be very different from everyone around me.

Wednesday March 9, 2005 6:30 P.M.

I feel like I’ve driven away the wolf in me or destroyed part of her. I’m more human now than ever, and I’m not sure if I can heal this time. I think I still have a wolf soul or spirit in me. It’s very strong sometimes. But there are a lot of things in this human world trying to bring me down. 

Friday March 11, 2005

I’m hiding the wolf in me, because I know others won’t accept me. I need to change. I need to let the wolf out, so she can guide me through my life. I know my life would be a lot better if I set free the one within me. I would be even more connected to the Earth and the world around me. I think I know how to set her free, but the human in me is afraid of the wolf. My two halves haven’t found an understanding yet. They are unsure of each other. They don’t know how to work together, but I must find a way…

Thursday, June 16, 2005 12:19 A.M.

I’m trying to live the best way I know how. I might be a terrible human being, but there is also a wolf trapped within me, and that wolf is a beautiful, amazing creature. When I think about the wolf in me, I feel stronger. I could take on the whole world and accomplish whatever I wanted to. There is an unbreakable will in me and endless strength…if only I knew how to unleash it. If only I didn’t let this human life and human world get in my way. I just want to be free like any wolf. I want a simple life.

The wolf in me protects me from the cold cruel human world that I have no desire to be a part of.

Friday, August 25, 2006 12:40 A.M.

Does the wolf know? What lies deep within my soul? What secrets do I hide from myself? Perhaps, if I remain patient, a day will come when I know what I need to know. That’s all I can do. Wait. Be patient.

January 8th, 2007

Perhaps some things are not meant to be written. Perhaps I was afraid. Afraid of a new beginning? Afraid of all the possibilities? Afraid of hurting those I cared about? But mostly, I was afraid of myself. Some pages are missing, and a diary titled Forlorn Wolf is no longer, no more than a memory of the past. I don’t want to be afraid any more. I want to look deeper. I don’t want to be forlorn. I want to know who I am. I want to look inside and find some truth. I don’t want to keep fighting myself. I want to discover what I am. Why I’m here. For years, I’ve been dying. Today, I want to start living. I pray to the Great Spirit, my Creator, and I ask my Brother, a Wolf, to guide me.